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THE joke threads (part 5)
Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
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Mike Oxsaw 8:25 Mon Dec 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Good deed done yesterday.

At the Tesco check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to 56.83 but when she counted out all of her change and she only had just under 10.

I thought she was probably someones Nan and Id like to think someone would have helped my Nan out when she was alive just before Christmas.

She didnt want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time at all we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

Willtell 12:33 Mon Dec 2
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
What’s the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

Aalborg Hammer 9:15 Mon Dec 2
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick...

Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.

The Stoat 2:52 Fri Nov 29
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
On her recent tour of Ireland, Diane Abbot was asked if she liked County Down to which she replied I preferred it when Carol Vorderman was in it

joyo 6:18 Thu Nov 28
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
In the same hospital there was another fella who slept under his bed every night.. I asked "why?"
He said "because I'm a little potty"

claret on my shirt 9:31 Wed Nov 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I walked into a mental hospital earlier, one of the residents had his cock between two biscuits. I said, "What are you doing?" he said, "I'm fucking crackers"...

Ridikzappa 9:20 Wed Nov 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Remember Christmas decorations are like Jeffrey Epstein.

They aren’t going to hang themselves..

eswing hammer 11:16 Fri Nov 15
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Lone Lady golfer catches up a three ball, Englishman, lrishman and a Scotsman ,on the last hole ,a par 3 they all hit the green and the lady is about 15 feet from the hole and says “l need this putt for my best ever round ,if anyone can give me the correct line l promise l will give them the best ever blow job “ Englishman says “it’s about two inches left to right “, Scotsman says “ no it’s firm ,dead straight , what do you think paddy? “ lrishmans dick is already sticking out of his pants and says “ i’ll Give you that putt lady”.

Aalborg Hammer 1:43 Tue Nov 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A cannibal came back from holiday with only one arm.
His mate said “What happened to you?”

The cannibal said “I went self-catering”

The Stoat 12:23 Sun Nov 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A German dwarf jumped in the river to rescue my dog yesterday.

Thankfully he managed to get it back on the bank and said you vill need to wrap him up vorm, give him plenty of vitamin c and keep a close eye on him for hypothermia.

I said I cannot thank you enough, are you a little vet?

A little vet he replied, I am fucking soaking

lab 7:49 Sun Nov 3
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Cheers Joyo

joyo 2:37 Sun Nov 3
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
"you can't beat Bournemouth this time of year"

lab 5:42 Sat Nov 2
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
It’s on this thread somewhere .....a Man U supporter walks into a travel agent and asks for a few days break , the punchline has something to do with Bournemouth , can someone remind me of it ? I need to wind up a Man U supporter . Thanks.

Helmut Shown 1:49 Sat Nov 2
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A man goes to the doctor's.
He says "Ive got a problem with my foot."
The doctor says : "Put it on the table I'll have a look"
The man takes out his penis and slaps it on the table.
The doctor says "That's not a foot!"
"I know" says the man "but it's a good eleven inches"

arsene york-hunt 2:21 Sat Nov 2
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Went to a fancy dress and met a black bloke with his knob in a bowl of custard looking rather angry.

I asked him:"What have you come as?"

He said "I's fuckin' dis custard."

Helmut Shown 9:55 Fri Nov 1
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

Helmut Shown 9:50 Fri Nov 1
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I'm going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She's particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon

arsene york-hunt 8:38 Fri Nov 1
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A squaddie walks into a pub and orders a pie. When he has eaten the pie he grabs a man, cuts off his ear and eats it.

The barman calls the Military Police; one comes and arrests the squaddie.

"What's your regiment?" the MP asks.

He replies: "I'm in the pie 'n' ear corps."

The Stoat 3:51 Fri Nov 1
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
An Policeman was fired for smoking cannabis and masturbating while on duty

No name has been given but he is a high wanking officer.

Slow_Joe 7:12 Thu Oct 31
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Just started a new job as a postman and everyone is saying I'm the worst postman they have ever seen..

Shit, meant to post this somewhere else..

Aalborg Hammer 3:17 Wed Oct 30
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I went to the doctors yesterday for a full check up and after removing my underwear, the doctor remarked that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone.

I explained that its a family trait and we all have genitals shaped like musical instruments.

The doctor was astounded and said in all his years he’d never seen anything like but then remembered he did have a female patient who had a vagina shaped like a mouth organ.

I told him that’ll be our Monica.

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