Mad Dog 12:40 Tue Jan 10
THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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looks like the replacement joke thread has bitten the dust. use this one. usual rules regarding racism apply
crap one to start it off...
A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath. I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.
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Replies - Newest Posts First ( Show In Chronological Order)
Aalborg Hammer
10:11 Mon May 20
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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A man invited a friend back home for dinner.
When they get home, his wife, upset at not being notified begins yelling at him...
"I haven't done my hair, not to mention my make up, I haven't done any cleaning, let alone the dishes! Besides, I'm not interested in cooking tonight!"
"Why the *^#%!$* did you have to go and invite him tonight?"
The man replies...
"Cos' he was thinking of getting married."
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BillyBondsBirthday
10:08 Sat May 18
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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The Stoat 6:14 Thu May 16
"tape recorder"
that wouldn't be an old joke would it!
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Danbury Hammer
11:33 Fri May 17
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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I'm thinking of opening a pay day loan shop in Tottenham and calling it 'Credit where it's Jew'.
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ted fenton
11:31 Fri May 17
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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I went up to a young looking check-out girl in Asda today I whispered, "Where's your Tampax, love?"
"Up my chuff," she replied chewing her gum.
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The Stoat
6:14 Thu May 16
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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A woman visits the Doctor and tells him that every time she leans forward she gets a whistling noise from her nether regions.
She demonstrates and the Doctor is rather perplexed and tells her that he has never been presented with such a problem.
“I know what we can do” he mutters
“We can record it and send it to my colleague who is an expert in such rare problems”
So she leans forward and the Doctor gets a recording on his tape recorder and sends the tape to his colleague
Some weeks later and still none the wiser the woman returns to see if the Doctor has got the information she requires.
“No I haven’t heard from him but I will ring him right now as you are here and see what he makes of it” he tells the distraught female.
“Hello Brian this is Michael here did you get the tape I sent you?”
“Ah hello Michael, yes I did” he replies
“Well what did you make of it”
“Well it sounds like some c**t whistling to me mate”
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Josh
1:31 Thu May 16
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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Although Liverpool didn't win a trophy this year, Luis Suarez still managed to taste European success.
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ted fenton
12:23 Thu May 16
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams
“I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters
“Too bloody late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork”
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Briano
12:17 Thu May 16
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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Paddy is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he then realizes she has no underwear.
The blonde knows where he is staring and says "Are you looking at my vagina?" "Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to desist. "It's OK" replies the woman, "It's very talented -just watch I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss. Paddy, who is completely absorbed, asks what else the wonderful vagina can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
When Paddy moves over she asks, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, Paddy exclaims, "You're kidding-you mean it can whistle, too?"
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The Stoat
11:03 Thu May 16
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames Barrier in London.
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
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Fortunes Hiding
2:25 Wed May 15
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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it's always the delivery that makes a joke funny PDC
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PDC ON THE VOLLEY
12:51 Wed May 15
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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qatada
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PDC ON THE VOLLEY
12:51 Wed May 15
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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Breaking news Man City have just confirmed their new manager as Abu Quatada...........apparently he knows a thing or two about staying in Europe
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Aalborg Hammer
12:35 Tue May 14
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look
like she's moving during sex.
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Aalborg Hammer
7:52 Tue May 14
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats into the water?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the f*****g boat!"
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Mad Dog
6:43 Mon May 13
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes.
I didn't see the person so I'm not going to assume what gender she was.
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Briano
5:09 Mon May 13
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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Missus just had our first nipper.
Wife was exhausted, I was holding the baby completely overcome with emotion and said to the doctor 'when will my wife be able to play the piano?'
Doctor said ' don't worry she'll be right as rain back home and playing within two days'
'unbelievable' I said 'she couldn't play before'
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Danbury Hammer
4:36 Mon May 13
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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I was playing a trumpet outside Asda earlier when an elderly lady approached me and said, "That's excellent, especially with no sheet music. Do you always play by ear?"
"No," I said, "I'll be outside Tesco tomorrow."
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hammer 74
4:33 Mon May 13
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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that has to be one of THE oldest jokes in the world! lol
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Aalborg Hammer
4:26 Mon May 13
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the toilet. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”
The next day the same thing happens, only his mum is taking the shower. He says, “Mum I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”
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ted fenton
1:42 Sun May 12
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times," I shouted at my daughter.
And yet the spoiled brat still insists on leaving her dirty hearing aids on the kitchen table.
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Pringle
8:34 Sun May 12
Re: THE JOKE THREAD part 3. Usual rules apply
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ha ha Mad Dog
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