Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)
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Usual rules apply
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Replies - Newest Posts First ( Show In Chronological Order)
Willtell
10:29 Sat Jan 19
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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It took me a moment Bungo but....topical!
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Briano
10:27 Sat Jan 19
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Preparing for Wedding
A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, “We realize it’s a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we’d like your permission to dance together.” “Absolutely not,” says the Mullah. “It’s immoral. Men and women always dance separately.”
“So after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?”
“No,” answered the Mullah, “It’s forbidden.”
“Well, okay,” says the man,
“What about sex? Can we finally have sex?”
“Of course!” replies the Mullah,
“Sex is OK within marriage!”
“What about different positions?” asks the man.
“No problem,” says the Mullah.
“Woman on top?” the man asks.
“Sure,” says the Mullah. “Go for it!”
“Doggy style?”
“Sure!”
“On the kitchen table?”
“Yes, yes!”
“Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators?”
“You may indeed!”
“Can we do it standing up?”
“No.” says the Mullah.
“Why not?” asks the man.
“It could lead to dancing.”
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Bungo
9:44 Sat Jan 19
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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So proud of my son for passing his Duke of Edinburgh Gold award.
He couldn't be arsed to climb Ben Nevis though so he just ran a Honda Civic off the road in his Range Rover.
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wd40
11:43 Tue Jan 15
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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A Joke for the grand kids throw in some farts and your be the funniest granddad ever.
A wife asked her hubby what he wants for breakfast he replies '' 10 tins of bake beans please '' ''is that all?'' ''yes that's all thanks ''
Come dinner and tea he again asks for 10 tins of bake beans and the following morning requests the same for breakfast.
After breakfast he states that he will be going for a short walk but fails to return and on it being 5 hours since he left the wife naturally is getting worried so calls the police who turn up and request some basic details on her hubby.
''So what sort of mood was he when he left the house madam ?'' the police asks her she replies
'' He was fine -full of beans ''
As said one for grand-kids
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Jasnik
10:20 Mon Jan 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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That joke was shit
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Helmut Shown
9:37 Mon Jan 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Due to work on the overhead lines the train company puts on a service with old slam door diesel trains with no corridor. A bloke has been sitting on his own in a single compartment and is busting for a shit. Seizing the opportunity he sticks his arse out of the window and proceeds to pinch one out. Unfortunately just as he lets go he is going through a station and the turd hits a bloke right in the face and he falls down on the platform. A porter sees what happened and rushes to help him to his feet. He says "Did you see who did it?" " Yes " say the poor victim, " I'd recognise him anywhere he had a big scar right down his face"
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Aalborg Hammer
5:46 Mon Jan 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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It’s ‘Stars in their Eyes’ and Matthew Kelly welcomes a lad called Simon from Lincoln.
Simon hobbles onto the stage using crutches and makes his painful way up to stand alongside the compare.
“Simon,you have a very bitter sweet story for us don’t you?”
“Yes,Matthew….I was in a terrible car crash on my way home from a family wedding this time last year.I was badly injured
when we hit Armco at high speed-everyone else in the car was killed.
They rushed me to hospital but too late to save my legs.They were amputated and things looked really bleak for me.
Luckily,my aunt gave permission for her husbands’ legs to be grafted onto my stumps and after 11 months physio and
top class treatment,I have the use of his legs and doctors say I’ll be playing football again in a years’ time”
“ A story of bravery and endurance, who are you performing as this evening?”
“Tonight,Matthew,I’m going to be Simon and Half Uncle”
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neco
4:52 Mon Jan 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest ever living man.
He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.
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Mirkwood
9:48 Mon Jan 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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I was chatting to a bird in a club.She whispered, "Do you fancy coming back to mine, I've got a fanny the size of a Polo."I said, "Oh yes."When we got back to her place I pulled down her knickers and gasped.She said, "Surprised?"I said, "Totally,
I thought you meant the mint not the fucking hatchback.. !!
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Mirkwood
9:40 Mon Jan 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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I discreetly removed the 'Anything Goes' call girl card from inside the phone box, quickly headed back to my hotel and excitedly rang the number.
A woman with a soft, silky voice answered,
'Hello Sir.."
"I'm in room 23 of the Travelodge Hotel", I said.
"I want a blindfold, nipple clamps, handcuffs, a small paddling pool with loads of custard, baked beans and squirty cream"
"Sounds great", she replied.
"but you've come through to reception, Mr Smith . If you press 9 first, you can get an outside line"
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Mad Dog
10:47 Sat Jan 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Two guys were picked up by the police for drugs offences and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle)is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honuor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, This is your arse before prison...."
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Anders
1:27 Sat Jan 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Whats the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex ?
One makes your day and the other one makes your whole week.
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Mad Dog
1:07 Sat Jan 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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No. We've had diminishing returns on these threads for years.
Especially since sickepedia imploded
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Exiled In Surrey
11:31 Fri Jan 11
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
when is part 6 coming out?
will that version give an upgrade in content?
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Too Much Too Young
10:42 Thu Jan 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Elderly couple in church, the wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what shall I do?
The husband says "changes the batteries in your hearing aid".
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Aalborg Hammer
3:10 Wed Jan 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Pulled a gypsy bird last night…she asked me if I wanted to go back to hers for a good time….she wasn’t fucking kidding.I went on the Dodgems,the Ghost train,waltzers and came home with a fucking goldfish!!
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yogib
9:53 Wed Jan 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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What does 40 mph and smells of curry
Usain Balti
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Bungo
4:37 Sun Jan 6
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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William Shatner is going to marry Stevie Nicks.
Apprently she will be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks.
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Willtell
11:58 Sun Jan 6
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Yes but I wasn't stupid enough to name myself CryBabies...
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CryBabies
11:38 Sun Jan 6
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Unfunny twat.
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Willtell
10:06 Sun Jan 6
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman went into a pub. The Englishman didn't like the pub so they all had to leave...
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