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Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)

Usual rules apply

Iron Duke 9:34 Sat Apr 17
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Do you know what boils my piss?

Hotel kettles

wd40 9:27 Sat Apr 17
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

My lesbian cousin and her girlfriend bought me a Rolex for my birthday. Very generous of them, but it wasn't what l had in mind when they asked what l wanted for my birthday and l answered "l wanna watch".

Mike Oxsaw 5:43 Fri Apr 16
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Ted - I never actually watched that beyond the scenes in the ground before. I need new sides.

p.s. Kenny Lynch was one of my brother's best mates. Together they were a comedy act without peer - or respect for anyone.

ted fenton 1:42 Fri Apr 16
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Pre-Woke


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzFkLfubDpw

The Stoat 1:38 Fri Apr 16
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Young buffalo:
'Dad, what does it mean if I like cows and bulls'?
'Means you're Bi, son'

The Stoat 9:25 Wed Apr 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Three parrots are for sale at a pet shop for £250, £150 and £20.
A woman asks "why is that one so cheap ?" The shopkeeper replies "It used to live in a brothel and says some vulgar stuff."
The woman thinks its funny and buy's the parrot.
When the woman gets home the parrot says "blimey, a new brothel," and the woman laughs.
Next her two teenage daughters come home from work and the parrot says "blimey new hookers!" and they all laugh.
Finally the woman's husband arrives home and the parrot says ,
"Blimey Ted I haven't seen you for weeks !"

The Stoat 10:49 Tue Apr 13
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Marriage guidance counsellor; “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”

Husband; “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”

Wife; “Seven weeks.”

The Stoat 10:25 Mon Apr 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"

ted fenton 9:50 Mon Apr 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Hahaha

These should make Dandy Lyon smile :-)

The Stoat 9:47 Mon Apr 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

ted fenton 9:11 Mon Apr 12

Or his Brother Skyd who invented brown pants

ted fenton 9:11 Mon Apr 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and political theorist, but very few people know about his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol.

Aalborg Hammer 12:32 Mon Apr 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Q. What do you call a magician who's lost his magic?

A. Ian

Helmut Shown 8:29 Fri Apr 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Three blokes go on a ski trip together. When they get to the ski lodge there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the bloke on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, “Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job.” The bloke on the left side of the bed has also woken up and says that he’s had the same dream, too. The bloke in the middle says, “Wow that’s funny, I dreamt I was skiing.”

Helmut Shown 8:26 Fri Apr 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

See you next month

Aalborg Hammer 8:36 Thu Apr 8
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Just went to see a faith healer perform.

He was so bad even a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

Aalborg Hammer 7:36 Tue Apr 6
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Q. What do you call an Aardvark that gets beaten up all the time?
A . A Vark

brabrook 12:51 Tue Apr 6
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'

joe royal 5:14 Fri Apr 2
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

I rung up work this morning..

"My wife died last night." I explained. "I'm going to need some time off."

"Oh my goodness, that's awful." Replied the secretary. "We understand though, take as much time off as you need."

"Thank you." I said. "It'll be about eighteen years, if I behave myself."

Darlo Debs 9:04 Wed Mar 31
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Bunch of 5 lads come out of Elland Road after having their covid jabs singing I Predict A Riot -They are the Pfizer Chiefs.

The Stoat 3:58 Wed Mar 31
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

The other day I spotted an Albino Dalmation


Well it was the least I could do for him

arsene york-hunt 11:15 Tue Mar 30
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Martians land in london on a research probe. They start by watching TV and the adverts are on.

They mission commander immediately calls back to mission control and says: " Our navigation is faulty, we've landed in fucking Africa!"

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