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Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)
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Usual rules apply
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Replies - Newest Posts First ( Show In Chronological Order)
claret on my shirt
6:56 Tue Sep 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Met a women down the pub last night who cleans her minge with floor cleaner, flash cunt!
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Mike Oxsaw
2:36 Sun Sep 20
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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The inventor of Gore-Tex has died at the age of 83.
His family say there WILL be a dry eye in the house.
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Willtell
12:38 Sun Sep 20
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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A beginner's guide to chromosomes:
XY - Male
XX - Female
YYY - Delilah
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Aalborg Hammer
4:49 Sat Sep 19
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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I have been trying to understand this LGBTQ business; but I can't get a straight answer.
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The Stoat
11:54 Sat Sep 19
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Two Policemen knocked on the door earlier.
"Evening, we just doing covid spot checks" says one of the policemen, “how many people you have in there??" He asks.
"6" I said.
" Can we come in and check?"
"No”. I said
"Why not?"
"Because that would make it 8!"
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Aalborg Hammer
11:19 Tue Sep 15
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Q.What's 'Jargon?'
A. It's what people in Dorset do to keep fit.
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Aalborg Hammer
10:46 Fri Sep 11
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Bill Gates was going to name his next kid after the man he respects so much these days, Elon Musk. But he thought that would be stretching it a bit ....
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Willtell
6:01 Tue Sep 8
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin."
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Willtell
5:59 Tue Sep 8
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Now I’m getting older I find that I only use 3 shops.
Spec savers, Boots and Greggs.
My life is just specs, drugs and sausage rolls....
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Bungo
6:56 Sat Sep 5
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Viewer: This programme is really boring.
Manager: Once again, this is a Zoom meeting.
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ted fenton
5:53 Fri Sep 4
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Jimmy Tarbuck addresses the Liverpool crowded stadium.....
"We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers (Liverpudlians) are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please ?"
Jingo gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Tarbuck asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Jingo says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then the Scousers start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
Tarbuck says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?"
Tarbuck looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Jingo starts crying, but then the 45,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting.......
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!
GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Tarbuck, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good, eventually says, " What is 2 plus 2?"
Silence hangs over the stadium. Jingo closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouser crowd stands to a man, waving their arms, stomping their feet and screaming .............
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
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Sniper
1:39 Thu Sep 3
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Speaking of farm animals, I recently went walking through a field when I saw an old farmer leaning on a walking stick, tears rolling down his face
I asked him what was wrong and could I help at all.
He looked at me with intense gratitude as he said ‘My sheep dog got run over yesterday, and I can’t walk properly. Could you round up my 297 sheep for me?’
‘Sure,’ I said, ‘300’ and I left him to his thoughts.
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ted fenton
8:48 Wed Sep 2
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Me and the wife were driving to visit some family . She starts as usual "watch that tree, slow down, "moaning away , anyway got so heated we ended up not speaking. Next thing the stupid sat nav leads us down this narrow lane to a farm yard by mistake . She looks at the pigs, sheep and cows and says sarcastically "relatives of yours?" I replied "yeah in-laws"
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Aalborg Hammer
12:15 Mon Aug 31
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards and backwards, forwards and backwards. Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, in and out.
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back, she was so wet. She moaned softly at first then began to groan louder.
Finally, she screamed loudly "Okay, okay!! You smug bastard! You park the **** car!!".
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WSM Hammer
8:43 Sat Aug 29
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Despite getting A-level results of
A, B, B, A
it seems that no employer will take a chance on me!
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Aalborg Hammer
8:19 Tue Aug 25
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Went to the gym earlier, while working out I noticed a hole in my trainer... just big enough to get my finger in.
So anyway... she's made a formal complaint and now I'm banned for life
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ted fenton
12:35 Sun Aug 23
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IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN WHERE YOU'LL BE SINGING THIS ALL DAY 🙂
A mate of mine was scuba diving when he was attacked by a snake-like creature which kept biting at his face mask, and he asked me what it might be.
I told him "When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie .... that's a Moray!"
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Nutsin
4:22 Sun Aug 23
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip!
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Nutsin
3:36 Sun Aug 23
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint!
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Manip
2:31 Sun Aug 23
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I Had A Teacher At School Called Mr Turtle.
Strange Name.
But He Tortoise Well.
swt
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Exiled In Surrey
11:18 Sat Aug 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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What is the square root of 69?
Ate something.
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