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Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)
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The Stoat 8:58 Sun May 24
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A man who has trained his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground said he went from Barking to Tooting in just over an hour

ted fenton 8:40 Sat May 23
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
THE APPLICATION OF THE WORD "BOLLOCKS" FOR THE NON - BRITS ..........

THE ( DOG'S ) BOLLOCKS - BRILLIANT/THE BEST

BOLLOCKS - SHIT

UTTER BOLLOCKS - LIES

BOLLOCKING - STRONG REPRIMAND

STARK BOLLOCK NAKED - NUDE

BOLLOCKS TO IT - I SHALL IGNORE IT

Queens Fish Bar 9:57 Fri May 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
At Confession:

“Bless me Father for I have sinned. My boyfriend shagged me seven times last night”

“You must go home and suck the juice from seven lemons”

“Will that absolve me?”

“No but it’ll take that smug look off your face”.

Jasnik 1:29 Sun May 17
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I thought I had corona virus as people said you lose your sense of taste.

Then I realised I was OK as it was only the salmon kipper tie I was wearing.

Lee Trundle 9:49 Thu May 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
It's awful news that Dele Alli was robbed at knifepoint in his own home. A load of watches and jewelry were nicked but they didn't make it off with any medals.

Mike Oxsaw 9:47 Thu May 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I know walking by on the pavement outside.

I immediately ran to the window and started shouting at them.

Now I understand dogs.

eswing hammer 12:17 Thu May 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Will Smith has defied stay at home and gone off snowboarding in Canada, he hasn’t been seen for 24 hours and with even more snow forecast ,they’re gonna look again tomorrow for fresh prints!

geoffpikey 4:19 Wed May 13
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Bad news.

The Flat Earth Society are reporting that the 2 metre social distancing measures are pushing some of their members over the edge.

Westside 9:36 Sun May 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
My grandad had a great life, then died peacefully in his sleep.

Unlike his passengers, who died screaming in terror.

Hermit Road 3:32 Sun May 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
My grandad always used to say: "you need to be upfront with everybody"
Great bloke, shit goalkeeper

147man 3:21 Sun May 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
my grandad always said, "fight fire with fire." Lovely man, terrible fireman

the coming of gary 3:19 Sun May 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
my grandad always said, "in the old days you could leave your door open." Lovely man, terrible submarine captain
.

mtchammer 2:54 Sun May 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
My grandad always said, "as one door closes, another one opens." Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

Willtell 12:56 Thu May 7
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. It created lots of technical problems as there are apparently conflicts between these two products. The only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off but that failed.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend 1.2, 1.3 and 1.4 proved no better, all conflicting with existing products. So I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had far too many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks!

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.3 and 1.4 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe and almost irreparable damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon became useless and relied on needing a further upgrade to Wife 1.0.

While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2020. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 then became very unstable and costly to run.

Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later long after I had forgotten all about them. Wife 1.0 also came readily installed with Diary, Explorer, E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to work out what the problem is but the logic hasn't been correctly written.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe&ClothesShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which constantly needs reinstalling weekly.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my BMW 330 Convertible hard drive, it keeps crashing frequently. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2020, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2020, it tends to delete all of your bank accounts before uninstalling itself.

Any advice would be helpful, many thanks.

Willtell 5:36 Wed May 6
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Briano 8:29 Mon Apr 27
Excellent joke and a game I'll never forget...

Westside 12:11 Wed May 6
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Out in the car after the shopping run last week, I wasn't really concentrating and found myself in a less salubrious part of town. At a set of lights, a scantily clad young lady came up to the car window (well two meters away) and said

"You looking for business?"

I thought, why not.

"How much?" I asked.

£50" she said.

Excitedly I asked "What do I get for £50?"

"Anything you want." I was trembling with excitement.

"Do you do haircuts?" I asked.

geoffpikey 8:01 Mon May 4
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Lord Nelson was only 5 ft tall.
Yet his statue in Trafalgar Square is 15 ft high.

That's Horatio of 3 to 1.

(Well, it's new to ME.)

Briano 10:39 Tue Apr 28
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I can’t believe how this crisis is pulling us all together....... I’m having a water fight with my neighbour who is a Spurs fan.......just waiting for the kettle to boil.....

Noah 8:57 Mon Apr 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
excellent work Briano

Briano 8:29 Mon Apr 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the barman when he spotted an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” asked the man.

“That’s the Memory Man.” said the barman. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.” So the man goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1980 FA Cup Final?”

“West Ham,” replies the Memory Man.

“Who did they beat?”

“Arsenal,” was the reply.

“And the score?”

“1-0,” he said.

“Who scored the winning goal?”

“Trevor Brooking,” was the old man’s reply.

The tourist was bowled over by this and told everyone back in England about the Memory Man when he returned.

A few years later he went back to the USA on holiday and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled.

Because he was so impressed, man decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting “How”.

The Memory Man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box”

geoffpikey 5:23 Mon Apr 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.

But this is as close as I could get.

(Piss poor. At least the jokes are back on the first page.)

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