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Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)
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Troy McClure 4:07 Wed May 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
cheeses cruyf 1:55 Wed May 22

Niki Lauder jokes? Really?

Come on... His body's not yet cold..

Queens Fish Bar 2:33 Wed May 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Woman in a bar turns to her friend and says "see that bloke over there?" nodding towards me.

She continues "he has an office with a corner window and drives a £400k vehicle. I'm gonna fuck him".

The next morning, we're sitting on her her roof terrace, overlooking the Thames, drinking bucks fizz. Both happy as Larry.

She turned to me and said "so what do you actually do for a living?"

Me "bus driver".

cheeses cruyf 1:55 Wed May 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Ladbrokes are offering 4/1 on Niki Lauda surviving the cremation

BRANDED 6:57 Tue May 21
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
“You know that unbelievable urge just to eat that thing in front of you?”
“ Yeah. That’s why I’m no longer a gynaecologist”

Hammer and Pickle 8:43 Mon May 20
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
My wife fell into an upholstering machine at the weekend...after a night in hospital, she is now firm and bouncy.

chim chim cha boo 8:16 Mon May 20
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
My wife fell into an upholstering machine at the weekend...after a night in hospital,she is now comfortable.

Aalborg Hammer 1:53 Mon May 20
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
My wife fell into an upholstering machine at the weekend...after a night in hospital,she has recovered nicely

BRANDED 10:14 Sat May 18
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Most Americans say 'Arabic numerals' should not be taught in school, finds survey

mashed in maryland 9:08 Sat May 18
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Aalborg Hammer 12:06 Fri May 17

Hahahhaahaha

Aalborg Hammer 8:55 Fri May 17
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her Tourettes..turn out she doesn't have it.I am a cunt and really does want me to fuck off

Too Much Too Young 7:41 Fri May 17
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Bloke buys a cockney parrot but gets sick of it saying, "I'm from East London and i'm hard as fuck!", so he puts a Kestrel in its cage. Next morning, he finds the kestrel dead and the Parrot says, "I'm from East London and i'm hard as fuck!", so the bloke puts a Golden Eagle in the cage. Next morning, he finds the Eagle dead and the Parrot with no feathers. As the bloke looks in the cage, the Parrot says, "Had to take me coat off for that cunt".

joe royal 1:17 Fri May 17
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
An undercover cop called at my farm...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”

I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.

I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,

“Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”

Aalborg Hammer 12:06 Fri May 17
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Geordies must be perpetually confused that "Aldi" is not open 24 hours a day

tr3bor 9:36 Tue May 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Just met a Chinese drug addict.

He asked me 'have you seen my cocaine?''

I replied, 'No, not since I watched the Italian job'

ted fenton 8:04 Tue May 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

“Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The priest then asked, “ Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied,

“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,

“Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith”

The rabbi then asked him,
“Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied,
“Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said,

“Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”

Sir Alf 6:16 Tue May 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
*** were in ***

Sir Alf 6:16 Tue May 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
BREAKING NEWS:
Police in Madrid have raised concerns that Tottenham fans may take flares to the Metropolitano stadium on 1st June.

That was what they were wearing last time they in a European final.

arsene york-hunt 1:05 Tue May 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Two poofs and a farmer sitting in a train carriage.

One of the poofs says "Do you mind if I fart?"

The others say "Go ahead."

He does a silent fart

Later:

The other poof says "Do you mind if I fart?"

The others say "Go ahead."

He also does a silent fart.

Later:

The farmer then says "Dya moind if oi fahhrt lads."

They say "Go ahead

He lets rip with a massive long and loud fart..

One of the poofs says to the other "Ooooo he's a virgin."

Aalborg Hammer 10:54 Tue May 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I went to a nice Cuban restaurant last night.

I say restaurant, it was more of a Castro pub

Coffee 8:36 Fri May 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl starting crying and getting very cranky, her father asked what was wrong with her.
As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?

Too Much Too Young 4:16 Thu May 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
With the two comebacks of Liverpool and Spurs, it wouldn't surprise me if Maddie MacCann presented the trophy.

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