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Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)
Usual rules apply

Replies - Newest Posts First (Show In Chronological Order)

geoffpikey 8:25 Sat Mar 28
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
We live in strange times. I put the bins out Thursday night and the whole street gave me a round of applause.

Keep dreaming 3:37 Sat Mar 28
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Germany may be forced to put the production of sausages and cheese to a halt because of the pandemic.
This is a wurst kaase scenario.

ted fenton 2:09 Sat Mar 28
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Hi, all jokes aside our neighbour was taken into hospital last night with suspected covid , luckily he has been put on one of the new dyson ventilators and is now picking up nicely!

Jasnik 10:02 Fri Mar 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Someone tried to rip me off with a toilet roll.
5 pounds a roll .

I told him to shove it up his arse.

ted fenton 12:15 Fri Mar 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Literally just ordered a Chinese to my house.
The Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door and I start to walk out to meet him. He started shouting at me “isolate isolate”. I said mate calm the fuck down you’re not that late I only ordered half an hour ago !

jack flash 10:49 Fri Mar 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A plane carrying Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and a 12 year old boy is about to go down

There are only 3 parachutes left

Nicola Sturgeon shouts 'Ladies first, I'm the first lady of Scotland'. With that, she grabs a parachute and leaps out the plane

Donald Trump beats his chest and says 'I'm the most intelligent and greatest leader of th most powerful nation on earth' With that, he grabs a parachute off the young boy and leaps out the plane

Boris Johnson turns to the young boy and says 'Look son. You've got your full life ahead of you. I've done my bit, I've seen the country through one crisis after another and can't do much more. Here, take my parachute

With that the young boy says 'Don't worry Boris, there's 2 parachutes left for us. That idiot Trump just grabbed my school kit bag before he leapt out!'

The_Phantom 10:14 Fri Mar 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Have started uncontrollably singing Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby and Dean Martin songs.

Concerned I might croonervirus

Ridikzappa 9:47 Fri Mar 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Burger King, KFC and McDonalds have announced that they are responding to the Covid-19 crisis by introducing a policy for regular handwashing for all their members of staff.

wd40 12:25 Thu Mar 26
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Police now have powers to break up groups let hope they start with coldplay.

roltrader 7:21 Wed Mar 25
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
We are only a few days into self isolation and it's really upsetting me to witness my other half standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space, with tears running down her cheeks.

It breaks my heart to see her like this, and I've thought very hard of how I can cheer her up.




I've even considered letting her come in, but rules are rules.

Aalborg Hammer 6:18 Wed Mar 25
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Prince Charles is isolating at Balmoral with Coevid-19.Prince Andrew is isolating at Windsor with Jennifer-14

Mike Oxsaw 5:50 Tue Mar 24
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Pritti Patel has already put out a call for additional security staff.

A BBC spokesman said earlier that the police station at Toytown had been called twice but they were otherwise engaged with someone accused of impersonating Gary Linaker.

Camberwick Creen nick had also been contacted but everyone was helping out at Windy Miller's harvest gathering.

The Woodentops have said they will help but only if "A little weed" from behind the garden shed and "falling down the stairs" was involved.

Postman Pat said he'd try and make sure mail was delivered but at the moment he was busy looking for his black and white cat, last seen in the vicinity of the Chinese restaurant.

Sooty ruled himself right out as he still believes the police suffer from institutionalised racism.

Bob the Builder would only do it for cash in hand.

Onto transport issues, the Fat Controller said most services were fine apart from being an engine short on the branch like. He said "What I really need is another Thomas the Tank to ease the pressure".

ted fenton 2:17 Tue Mar 24
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
If you receive an email or WhatsApp with the Subject “Ding Dong” don’t open it, they’re Jehovah’s Witnesses working from home !!

Mike Oxsaw 11:59 Mon Mar 23
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
In order to determine if you qualify for exemption from the lock-down, define emergency.

Does one or more of these apply:
- Prada emergency
- Gucci emergency
- Louis emergency
- Dior emergency

Or if you are from Essex:
- red lipstick emergency
- new shoes emergency
- lace dress emergency

Son of Sam 4:13 Sun Mar 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Ted thats excellent nice one

ted fenton 4:09 Sun Mar 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Just something to give everyone a giggle and smile

At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
There was no loo roll down at Aldi and I nearly cried.
Oh, how I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong,
I used to wipe,
And now I’m forced to just drip dry!

No anti-bac!
No bloody soap!
And if you think you’re buying pasta, well, you’ve got no hope!
I would have bought that box of eggs, I would have rationed out my bread,
If I’d have known for just one second everyone would lose their head!

Go on now go, walk out the door!
You bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more!
Weren’t you ones who just bought all the sodding beans?
You selfish gits!
I hope you spill them down your jeans!

Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy!
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive, hey, hey!

It took all the strength I had not to not to fall apart,
There was just apples and a carrot in my shopping cart,
And I spent hours walking round just feeling sorry for myself,
The empty store, with boxes strewn across the floor!

And you’ll see me, somebody who,
Cannot buy anything she came for, and it’s down to you
And frickin’ Reg from down the road is such a selfish blimmin’ git!
Because he stockpiled all the loo roll no one else can have a s@*t!

(x2)
Go on now go, walk out the door!
You bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more!
Weren’t you ones who just bought all the sodding cakes?
Can’t you make a crumble,
Do you people not know how to bake?

Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy!
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive!

Coffee 1:08 Sun Mar 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and he asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?"

The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!"

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"

Westside 11:53 Sun Mar 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
For some reason, at the moment, I just can't stop singing Kylie Minogue songs around the house. Driving the wife crazy. She says if I don't stop, she'll leave me.

I Should Be So Lucky.

Mike Oxsaw 4:30 Sat Mar 21
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I just went down the shops to buy some provisions. I tried to follow the advice and self-distance, but there was nobody was about to self-distance from.

I had to identify as a crowd then run like fuck from myself to follow the rules. I'm knackered. This ain't gonna work.

Exiled In Surrey 11:21 Sat Mar 21
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
It's a little known fact that during the Blitz the Germans only dropped one bomb and then Londoners passed it on to each other in pubs and clubs.

Son of Sam 8:48 Fri Mar 20
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Who says quarantine and self-isolating is boring? Not me. My only problem today is I cant figure out how one of my 1kg bags of rice has 49,722 grains and the other only has 49,168 grains

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