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Q: 2021/22 What competition should we prioritise this season?
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Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)
Usual rules apply

Replies - Newest Posts First (Show In Chronological Order)

ted fenton 3:32 Tue Oct 19
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.
She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.

Noah 6:37 Mon Oct 18
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Aalborg Hammer 8:11 Thu Oct 14
Took me a minute.

ted fenton 12:55 Fri Oct 15
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Nurse Ratched 11:47 Fri Oct 15


Kaiser Zoso 11:55 Fri Oct 15
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
penners obviously didn't use his LOAF

Nurse Ratched 11:47 Fri Oct 15
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Penners, allow me...

His car cost $50,000

She has had an accident in his car and the car is all mangled/crumpled up.

She is trying to soften the blow of the bad news by 'being all seductive'

penners28 11:44 Fri Oct 15
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
ted fenton 3:40 Thu Oct 7
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Ive read this joke about 20 times, and still dont get it. Can someone explain if poss


The Stoat 11:41 Fri Oct 15
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing ."

WHU(Exeter) 8:20 Thu Oct 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Penners, that's an idea I'd like a slice of

Aalborg Hammer 8:11 Thu Oct 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Q. How do you tell the sex of an ant?

A. Drop it in water.

If it sinks - girl ant.

ted fenton 1:38 Thu Oct 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler
approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am
not too clear on."
"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
"Aplomb," My Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is
self-assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a
few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend
a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and
myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills
plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs."
"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself
remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty
"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore. Kate had to cut up
his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship,
Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick
still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT
is aplomb."

penners28 11:14 Wed Oct 13
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Ive decided that next week im going to dress as a different piece of bread each day

Roll on monday!

Aalborg Hammer 9:06 Mon Oct 11
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
JK Rowling talking about 20 years of Harry Potter.
I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee

Aalborg Hammer 11:45 Sat Oct 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
The wife says we need to chat about my childish behaviour.
As if that's going to happen during conker season

ted fenton 9:47 Thu Oct 7
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.
I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

riosleftsock 9:45 Thu Oct 7
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Ted - ignore the twonk. Keep em coming, they normally make me laugh.

Exiled In Surrey 9:44 Thu Oct 7
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I'm selling my dogging kit on ebay.

I've got 24 watching.

lab 9:42 Thu Oct 7
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Just when I thought Vexed and Swiss were the most horrible *unts on here . Crack on Ted.

Dandy Lyon 9:22 Thu Oct 7
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Can’t you find a funnier website to cut and paste your jokes from. Seriously unfunny.

ted fenton 3:40 Thu Oct 7
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her undies... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
He said "No!" trying to hide his expectant joy.
She said ...... "Check the garage."

ted fenton 6:13 Tue Oct 5
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Husband went to the Police station to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home....
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Colour of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I think.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been Joggers, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my Lexus.
Sergeant: What kind of Lexus was it?
Husband: A 2007 SC 430 V8 engine just 32k on the clock and climate controlled air conditioning custom leather stitched seats multi CD player plus cassette player with navigation, satellite radio receiver cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Take it easy Buddy, we'll find your Lexus.

ted fenton 11:22 Wed Sep 29
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.
"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.
"Oh really?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."
"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."

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