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EdHammer 5:38 Wed Jun 12
Best Mans Speech
Anyone got a decent best man's speech....?

I've left it until last minute and only have a week to put one together. This speech obviously has to be as generic as possible, jokes etc

Appreciate it cheers.

Replies - Newest Posts First (Show In Chronological Order)

Sarge 11:50 Thu Jun 13
Re: Best Mans Speech
My starter a couple of times was ' when x called me to be his best man he caught me at a bad time I was in'


Might need to change the kicker to 'I had my mobile on


Depending on how well you know everybody playing on the groom being under the thumb worked for me.

'We had a poll on the stag do of who would be the dominant partner in the marriage. *pause the groom came 5th. 4th was the couple's pet / bride's vodka bottle 2nd equal the mother's in law (pause for cheer / groan) but by far the winner was the bride.

Too Much Too Young 10:20 Thu Jun 13
Re: Best Mans Speech
Always include the story about the hang glider attached to the back of an Isuzu Trooper and a cow field in Kent.

Raymond Reddington 9:39 Thu Jun 13
Re: Best Mans Speech
Always finish the speech with “ In all seriousness, I’ve never seen (grooms name) as happy as when (brides name) agreed to put her finger in he’s ring.

Thanks for coming

Far Cough 9:33 Thu Jun 13
Re: Best Mans Speech
My sister's ex was brilliant at this, he could ad lib the whole thing with no preparation

Marston Hammer 9:28 Thu Jun 13
Re: Best Mans Speech
‘I’ve been warned not to mention of any of the groom’s past girlfriends. All I will say though, in their defence, is that they did raise a lot of money for Movember’.

If you can put off the wedding until the first week in December this gag will go down a storm.

Bertolli 5:27 Thu Jun 13
Re: Best Mans Speech
A potential starter....?

Before I start the traditional character assassination of the groom, I think you would all agree that there are two people here today that deserve a special mention, as not only have they done a fantastic job today, but I know they were up early this morning, having there hair, nails and make up done to look glamorous for the occasion, so if you could all raise your glasses and join me in toasting to….


The USHERs…… James and Pete… Well done boys you look lovely….

Tomshardware 3:46 Thu Jun 13
Re: Best Mans Speech
I'm not very good at public squeaking, I pisspronunciate some of my worms.......

Eric Hitchmoe 3:41 Thu Jun 13
Re: Best Mans Speech
A line that I used - which was lifted from this very website years ago when I was in the same position as you - brought the bloody house down.

When inevitably complementing the bride on how lovely she looks, tell her that she looks like 'one in a million'. Then, quickly add how the groom must be over the moon seeing as most of his exes looked like they were 'won in a raffle'.

I know some say steer clear of exes but you are not mentioning anyone specific and it's such a clever gag (if timed right) that people will forgive it. I wish I remembered who originally posted that so I could thank them.

Westham67 3:29 Thu Jun 13
Re: Best Mans Speech
Decent joke about a wedding

He called on xmas eve and she said "Where are you" and he said' Do you remember that jewelry shop where we saw that 10000 pound diamond wedding ring and I promised I would buy it for you one day" and she said "Yes I do " and he said "Good I'm the pub next to it"

Pickle Rick 3:21 Thu Jun 13
Re: Best Mans Speech
Google is your friend, I've done 2 best man speeches and used stuff online, don't do the "this is the third time I've got up from a warm seat line"; avoid swearing, make sure any stories you use about the groom are ok with him in case his future missus knows nothing about it (avoid bringing up ex-girlfriends), thank the bridesmaids. Try and keep the speech to 5 - 8 minutes, people get bored after that. Oh, and to help you with delivery write in the word pause so that you get the delivery of a joke spot on. Other than that enjoy it.

ray winstone 11:43 Wed Jun 12
Re: Best Mans Speech
Been best man 3 times, this was a good opener......




A handsome chap, intelligent, bright, funny, generous and above all, liked by everyone.

Anyway, enough about me.......

mallard 9:14 Wed Jun 12
Re: Best Mans Speech
You’ll gain more respect if you don’t read it from a piece of paper

JLAP 9:04 Wed Jun 12
Re: Best Mans Speech
EdHammer has posted two threads, both requesting gags or speech content for different events.

Suspish ??

dealcanvey 6:58 Wed Jun 12
Re: Best Mans Speech
I'm a bit nervous but the groom promised me if i do a good speech I can be the best man at his next wedding aswell.

Woodford Green 6:52 Wed Jun 12
Re: Best Mans Speech
good stuff from Stubo there.

Do not and I repeat do not get everybody to stand for a toast and then say "to the bar staff".

I've seen that one done more than once and all you'll get are groans and wanker signs.

Remember it is your duty to try it on with all of the bridesmaids.

Grumpster 6:50 Wed Jun 12
Re: Best Mans Speech
Keep it short, as people dont want to sit there for over half an hour listening to the speeches.

Just stick some bullet points down about things you want to talk about and then make it all up.

If you write it down and are nervous, you'll just stand there stuttering while trying to read it.

Jim79 6:45 Wed Jun 12
Re: Best Mans Speech
Spot on Stubbo

Stubbo 6:44 Wed Jun 12
Re: Best Mans Speech
Oh and remember the anecdotes are stories not one liners so set some context/scene setting, try and avoid in jokes or you had to be there type stuff, and take your time telling them.

Stubbo 6:41 Wed Jun 12
Re: Best Mans Speech
Wrote the speech for my best man in one sitting.

It's pretty formulaic:

1. Quip about being lumbered with being best man
2. Anecdote about how you know him, and why he'd have picked you for the job (and why he shouldn't have done given all you know).
3. Anecdote that is embarrassing for him about him growing up, with advice to his wife on marrying such a miscreant/loser.
4. Anecdote about his more recent years, again somewhat embarrassing for him, probably already known to his wife, and accessible to the audience...could be doing something stupid, something non-sexual that happened when he was drunk, or maybe some weird OCD habit that he has that he can't deny but they won't all know about.
5. Statements that despite all this he's not a bad bloke, with a few of his good points (because on the day everyone is rooting for the Groom, and if you can make the good points have some kind of double entendre that raises a laugh all the better).
6. Comments about how lovely the bride is looking, and any toasts you're meant to be doing (e.g. gifts for anyone, thank you's to anyone, apologies of absence from anyone...check with the groom on that score).
7. Some generic advice to the happy couple for their future together...I went with something along the lines of always communicating, talking through difficult decisions, and then doing whatever she wants. Generic and lazy but a cheap laugh from a friendly audience.
7. Toast to the Bride and Groom.
8. Finish.

That will give I reckon about 20 minutes of speech.

Then the basic rules are:.

- Don't bring up former conquests or anything sexual (unless it can be hinted at without being overt, and is about the grooms sexual deficiency/failings).
- Don't swear.
- Don't criticise the bride.
- Don't criticise the families.
- Don't reveal anything that is more than superficially embarrassing or that the bride probably didn't already know
- Don't say anything nasty since the audience all want things to go well for the couple overall, so don't make yourself the villain.

And remember to pause when you want support, not rush, and look up at the room.

Sit back, get smashed, and reel in the plaudits from everyone about how you should do comedy and the speech was brilliant.

Jim79 6:41 Wed Jun 12
Re: Best Mans Speech
Sorry but a generic best man's speech is just poor, if it has no personalisation or relevance to the groom or couple personally its just a shit stand up act of cheesy one liners. If you can't do it properly don't bother.

Russ of the BML 6:28 Wed Jun 12
Re: Best Mans Speech
Google 'Best Man's Speech' and you will get a ton of content. You just cut and paste as necessary.

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