WHO Poll
Q: 2020/2021 Where will we finish up this season?
a. Top Four, Champions League here we come
7%
  
b. 5th-7th Europa League is well within our grasp
1%
  
c. 8th to 14th anywhere in mid table is about right
13%
  
d. We're in a dog fight before a ball has been kicked and we'll do well to finish 17th or just above
38%
  
e. GSB have derailed our season before a ball has been kicked, the Championship beckons
41%
  



gank 12:13 Fri Aug 21
Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
Good. Hope he dies.

Replies - Newest Posts First (Show In Chronological Order)

Iron Duke 10:20 Fri Aug 21
Re: Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
I wonder if he'll honour this contract?

Browno22 9:51 Fri Aug 21
Re: Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
What does this have to do with West Ham?

BRANDED 9:32 Fri Aug 21
Re: Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
With 15 million people having already miraculously recovered like Jesus on Monday morning he’ll be fine and will live many more years to fuck off Gank.


Yay

Mike Oxsaw 9:21 Fri Aug 21
Re: Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
"Just look at the curve on that mask! That's impossible!!!"

cholo 8:07 Fri Aug 21
Re: Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
westhammerer 1:41 Fri Aug 21

OneAll 6:35 Fri Aug 21
Re: Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
could never hate him for giving me the most joy as a west ham fan in 25 years

happygilmore 1:44 Fri Aug 21
Re: Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
the last player we had that got fans excited. I'm sure he will be ok.

westhammerer 1:41 Fri Aug 21
Re: Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
Many thanks for your reportage, Gank. In this age of Coronavirus it’s good to keep things in perspective. You reminded me of the day I shared a peak of the Eiger with Dmitri, and none other than Tony (‘Baldrick’) Robinson.

But I get ahead of myself, let's begin at the beginning. I grew up in a rural part of Soho with a ski slope nearby. My parents were in the local volunteer fire department, and, through that, connected with a local Crimean Turk immigrant and his family. I was closest in age with their second oldest child, and spent a lot of time hanging out there. The fourth and fifth children were Ahmet Dadali and Giray Didali, who are major freestyle skiers. Ahmet especially is influential in the 'Newschoolers' movement. As you might know, newschool skiers eschew the traditions and tropes of 'skiing' in favour of floating a mere fraction of a millimetre above the snow/ice. This floating allows them a flexibility and novelty denied those who place their skis actually on the snow/ice. They have the talent level to be an Olympic athletes but haven't pursued it because it goes against - apparently - the Olympic ethos (whatever that is). They don't enjoy the technical precision of most skiers - floating leads to lots of falling over - but have competed in the Winchester Winter Gala Games before, though. Finishing a creditable final place. Giray goes by 'Ahmet's Brother' publicly, but they're both worldclass athletes, which is pretty cool, because when I was hanging out with them, they were just a couple of wild 7/8 year olds.

This was also around the time that David Bowie would babysit us when it was Francis Bacon's day off. I say babysit very loosely. He would sit slumped in the armchair, clutching a packet of Benson and Hedges, and freebase cocaine while we watched kids tv. These were heady days of jackanory, crackerjack, and the possibility of actually renting a ghost seemed very real. Whenever I walk past a crack house today and get a whiff of that noxious but familiar metallic smell I am instantly transported to the warm cosy comfort of my youth and Timothy Claypole, Mrs Sheila Mumford , Hazel the McWitch, and Dobbin the Pantomime Horse.

We had a really good time. I could ski almost as good as the brothers and was heavily into Eddie the Eagle Edwards - as were most kids at the time. We would swap panini stickers, keen to fill our Eagle albums, and every school boys bedroom was festooned with pictures of Eddie in flight. I wrote to Jim'll Fix It to fix it for me to ski jump with Edwards but alas (or thankfully as it turns out) my letter was not replied to.

Funnily enough I was to bump into Edwards whilst exploring my sexual boundaries on the local Romford bondage scene. An event was surreptitiously advertised on a few select, shall we say, newsagent windows. So, I leathered up, dusted off my paddle, olive oil in one hand, condoms (best be safe, lol!) in the other and called a cab to a private room above a pub in nearby Ilford. I took a deep inhale of poppers and entered the room.

Well, imagine my surprise/horror when I see that its just me, Edwards, and a DJ. I recognised his oversized glasses immediately. Ok, I thought, give it some time. However, minute turned into hour, pint turned into short, and the DJ suddenly says, 'Ok, guys, last song of the night.' It was a slow one, I want to say 'Lady in Red' but it might have been 'Groovy Kind of Love' by Phil Collins.
Its just me on one side of the room and Edwards on the other. Then movement. Shit! Edwards stands up - a little unsteady - then starts walking towards me. Maybe hes just going to the toilet, I think. But no. He is heading straight for me. Gulp. Well, cut a long story short. I felt like I was burning from the inside out from the effort of keeping myself in check. The emotions that threatened me were so overwhelming, so potentially disruptive. I lived every day in the fear that I would lose control of them out on the ski slope - that I would ski until my muscles seized up and yell until my lungs burst. That I would jump and slash and lunge, kick and twist and dive, commit a career-ending act of violence or an equally career-ending act of love. 'Hello, Princess,' he said. 'You'e the best thing Ive seen since forever and Im so sorry but I cant stop thinking about you…' Well, as you can imagine, after some quick consensual oral sex lasting three or four days (the quality of ecstacy was wonderful back in the late 80s) I made my excuses and left, hit out of there as fast as possible. I got a kebab on the way home which gave me diarrhoea the next morning – better out than it, lol! But when I got back, and was eating my kebab, I got into a twitter spat with of all people Will Self.

He was being his typical pompous self – lol, geddit! – banging on about how Englands football team – who recently drew 3-nil with the Isle of Mann Under 6 Unisex team - should revert back to the classic pyramid formation rather than have attacking wingbacks. I tweeted something like, 'Nonsense. When has a team won anything with the pyramid?' 'Barcelona 2017 European Cup, matey.' He replied. 'Ok, but one swallow does not make a summer. Nor one swallow does not a summer make. Who else?' Was my razor wit retort. 'Port Lymne, Sainsburys Social Cup, Bournemouth Feb 1991.' Ha! See. I twitted. 'Not many then.' As usual when Self is beaten he goes silent after one last brain fart. 'My dear twitterlogue we must agree to disagree. Stick Bert Trautman on the left wing, Orson Welles on the right and then you will see the delights of the pyramid / diamond formations. Adios Cuntface.' I tried to respond but he had blocked me. His loss, not mine. Anyway, I signed on Twitter again with a (new) fake account and said 'Who you calling Cuntface, Cuntface?' He said, 'You, you Im nominating as Cuntface.' I must have passed out around this time. Absolutely terrible shits the next day.

But anyway, to get to the gist. I was hiking the Eiger - not northface! - with a view to some kind of ski a bit later when who do you think I saw hand in hand? Yes, Will Self and Tony (Ive got a cunning plan, sir) Robinson. I say hand in hand, rather it was glove in glove. Of course, I couldnt let this occasion pass by without some sort of comment. Im a firm believer that comedians / public figures really like having their catchphrase / slogan repeated back to them. I mean, why become famous if you dont want that kind of response. So, I shouted, 'Hey, hey you. Yes you. Hey look here. Yes you.' That soon got his attention. 'So, do you have a cunning plan? Do you? A cunning plan? Have you got one? A cunning plan?' Robinson rolled his eyes and turned away and Self tried to kind of shield him from me. 'Fuck off, why dont you. Fuck off,' emitted Self. 'Im not talking to you, Im talking to Baldrick there.' Says I. 'Oh just fuck off.' Says Self.'“You fuck off.' Says I. Baldrick seemed to escape Selfs protective hug and weakly said, 'No, I dont have a cunning plan on this occasion but thanks for asking, have a good afternoon.' Self immediately added, 'Look, hes also a renowned, indeed knighted, political activist and presents middle to high brow tv historical documentaries, He is not Baldrick.' But then Robinson turned to Self and said, 'I have a plan, sir.' Self said, 'Really, Baldrick? A cunning and subtle one?'

Baldrick: Yes, sir.

Self: As cunning as a fox who’s just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University? (Self then shows Baldrick his hand which had some beans in it.)
Right Baldrick, lets try again, shall we? This is called adding. If I have two beans, and then I add two more, what do I have?

Baldrick: Some beans.

Self: Yes... and no. Let's try again, shall we? I have two beans, then I add two more beans. What does that make?

Baldrick: A very small casserole.

Self: Baldrick. The ape-creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try again. One, two, three... four. So, how many are there?

Baldrick: Three.

Self: What?

Baldrick: And that one. Three... and that one.

Self: So if I add the three to that one, what will I have?

Baldrick: Oh! Some beans.

Self: Yes. To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?

I was just getting bored with this when I noticed a base jumper above release and eject their parachute and seemingly head for us gliding now slowly. A lime green shell suited cladded person landed awkwardly, like with a hop and skip and stumble that they tried to hide and ride out. Clearly they had broken their left ankle, it was almost at right angle and hanging limp. 'Are you ok', said I. Well, the jumper pulled off their helmet and raised their sunglasses. 'Never been better, mate.' Says he. But this very he was in fact - his identity clearly given away by removal of said sunglasses - Tony Parsons!

Baldrick said, 'Who is this?' Self said, 'Its Tony Parsons. He is the author of the novel 'Man and Boy'. He has written a number of novels and found mainstream success by focusing on the tribulations of thirtysomething men. His novels typically deal with relationship problems, emotional dramas and the traumas of men and women in our time. He describes his writing as 'Men Li'', as opposed to the female 'Chick Lit.'
Oh. Said Baldrick. Oh. Said I. 'is your ankle ok?' Said Self to Parsons. 'Yes, never better.' Lied Parsons. 'But it seems, a bit, you know, a bit floppy, like it’s hanging off a bit. Not the best look for a foot.' Says Self. 'Oh, well it’s unconventional,' says Parsons, 'but deliberate. Helps block out the electrical infetterence here in the Alps.' Says Self, 'Hmmm, I see.'

Baldrick cupped his hand and drew it to my ear and whispered, 'Do you want to get out of here?' 'Why,' said I, 'Do you have a cunning plan?' 'Yes.' Said Baldrick. 'Yes, I do.'

rochesterjohn 1:30 Fri Aug 21
Re: Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
No chance of Roberto catching it...

joe royal 1:29 Fri Aug 21
Re: Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
Cool icon.

Let’s see how long it lasts.

gph 12:56 Fri Aug 21
Re: Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
No chance of him dying anyway - according to Golden Oldie, BRANDED and Northern Sold, he's mms away from perfect health.

BLOCK reckons he's only pretending, to ruin BLOCK's holiday

Westham67 12:49 Fri Aug 21
Re: Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
He was a decent payer

PwoperNaughtyButNot 12:46 Fri Aug 21
Re: Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
A footballer player that didn’t support my team didn’t want to play for my team and now I hope he dies. Have a word with yourself.

Jaan Kenbrovin 12:35 Fri Aug 21
Re: Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
Fat people of BAME communities are at higher risk, so....

On The Ball 12:33 Fri Aug 21
Re: Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
What a shame.

Sydney_Iron 12:33 Fri Aug 21
Re: Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
Thanks Gank, WHO,s very own humanitarian.....

gph 12:31 Fri Aug 21
Re: Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
87% of the people of Reunion are Catholics, so he's probably confessed to stabbing us in the back, and been completely forgiven.

Isn't it heresy to wish him dead?

Far Cough 12:22 Fri Aug 21
Re: Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
Socially distanced free kicks?

gank 12:16 Fri Aug 21
Re: Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
Yeah, the phone did that. Apologies. I'm often quick to correct spelling on here so it serves me right.

lincslink 12:14 Fri Aug 21
Re: Dmitri Payer has contracted COVID-19
Payet

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