WHO Poll
Q: 2023/24 Hopes & aspirations for this season
a. As Champions of Europe there's no reason we shouldn't be pushing for a top 7 spot & a run in the Cups
b. Last season was a trophy winning one and there's only one way to go after that, I expect a dull mid table bore fest of a season
c. Buy some f***ing players or we're in a battle to stay up & that's as good as it gets
d. Moyes out
e. New season you say, woohoo time to get the new kit and wear it it to the pub for all the big games, the wags down there call me Mr West Ham

Send Coffee a WHOmail


Northern Sold describing "Fuck me this place is surreal.... like eating a fucked up mushroom, " Never a better description.

Westham67 in response to criticism of the night shift's choice of conversation:
"It's just a bunch of middle-aged blokes talking bollocks."

"There are plenty of cunts on facebook, but they are cunts by accident. You lot really put the work in."



"I'm watching the Oscars. Fuck off."
(In response to a minor provocation.)

"When I was a wee nipper on holiday in Spain, a Spanish chap told my Mum that he thought I was intelligent. On overhearing this I piped up and asked what intelligent meant. True story."


Bleeding Claret 4:20 Sat Mar 1
Re: What happened to pentonville....
I met him in KL before. Decent bloke. Hope he's ok.

:^) 4:30 Sat Mar 1
Re: What happened to pentonville....
Last I heard he was suffering severe depression after a short visit to KL.


Bleeding Claret 7:12 Tue Sep 14
fivestar - Why do you have such a cuntish user name?

fivestar 7:23 Tue Sep 14
Because somebody had already taken Bleeding Claret



Livingstone in response to the verbal writhing of a poster caught in the TwinHammer Net:
"One who does not understand The Network is like one who cannot get a grasp of the Trumpington's Variations of playing Mornington Crescent."

Monk-koknee in a welcome message to a new poster:
"All new posters must take the oath of allegiance. Please complete, copy and paste onto a new, separate thread.

I, (Insert full username), do swear that I will well and truly serve our honourable community. I promise not to drone on and on about any fixation that I have in my head and not to type repeatedly in CAPITAL LETTERS. I agree to get easily outraged, to find a suitable clique to join and I will do right to all manner of people after the laws and usages of this forum, without fear or favour, affection or ill-will. So help me Ged."



(Isaac Hock's original definition)

Some of you are still struggling with Zoltaneering, just follow this guide and you won't go far wrong.

1. Take the fact that you want to impress WHO-ites with. For the sake of this example you can use the fact that you are being sent to Hong Kong on business in a few weeks. Remember, it matters little that you have not got a passport, it matters less that you haven't got a job. That's the beauty of Zoltaneering, and the reason that it remains the fastest growing passtime on WHO.

2. Think of a question. It should be a question which provides maximum flexibility in terms of combining other questions. For the purpose of this example, we can use a question relating to the purchase of a PSP.

3. Combine the fact you wish to tell everyone about (part 1) with the mundane question (part 2) MAKING PART 2 THE FOCUS OF THE STATEMENT.

Correct:- "Will I be able to buy a PSP when I'm in Hong Kong next week?"

Incorrect:- "I'm going to Hong Kong on business. Will I be able to buy a PSP whilst there?"

Again, I am quite prepared to offer this thread as a Zoltaneering school, offer up your examples and I will attempt to help you along. So long as while I am typing I don't have one of my many page 3 girlfriends attempting to suck me off, of course.

Happy Zoltaneering!


The phenomenon of reverse Zoltaneering occurs when the opposite intention of a Zoltanesque comment occurs, often with toe-curlingly embarrassing consequences. The majority of cases of reverse Zoltaneering will involve a naive comment, made to impress, which reveals information about the commentator for which they will be ridiculed and/or pitied.

Consider the attempted Zoltan:- "Does anyone know if Claridges is open on Sunday, as I am taking my new bird Dana International out for some grub."

The intention of the comment is to reveal that the commenter has a glamorous lifestyle and a famous girlfriend. The actual effect is to reveal that his new girlfriend has a c*ck.


IsaacHock 4:41 Sat May 12
Re: Family Chased by Cheetahs
gank 3:24 Sat May 12

"And what the FUCK does it have to do with West Ham anyway?"

Group embarks on European Tour, ignores warning signs and gets mauled by a group of Cheetahs.

I'd say it has a good deal to do with West Ham.



"I know what belongs on your profile, Coffee."

Ronald_antly 12:29 Wed Jul 13

Prickle wrote...

"Shall be roaring through my third bottle of vodka by that time of night."

Good to hear that you're making an effort to cut back.


chim chim cha boo 6:19 Tue Sep 15
I'm all for womens rights and I'm as PC as the next man wanting to see equality in the workplace but let's face it, every series Sue Barker becomes a tougher and tougher wank.

Sven Roeder 8:56 Tue Sep 15
Tufnell still does it for you though?


gph on the scientific reason why you should wait until you get home to put vinegar on your chips:

Assume you don't add the vinegar in the chippy, and the chips have temperature T. Then they lose heat equivalent to a temperature drop of f(T), say. When you get them home, you add vinegar, causing a further temperature drop of Δt. Final temperature: T - f(T) - ΔT.

If you add the vinegar in the chippy, the temperature drops to T - ΔT. When get them home, the temperature has dropped by f(T - ΔT), so the final temperature is T - ΔT + f(T - ΔT) > T - f(T) - ΔT (as f(T) > f(T - ΔT) - hot things lose heat more rapidly).

All this assumes that heat capacities are temperature-independent, and the amount of fucking around getting vinegar on chips is the same in the chippy and at home.



PANCHO 9:45 Fri Jul 13
Re: Which WHOer would you take to lunch?


She is a fucking nightmare! Trust me...

Do you have any bavarian wild mushrooms? Or how about the slowly baked intestines of a lesbian fair trade cow?

She fucking make a holy show of me in my local Little Chef.



Apple 1:45 Mon Jan 4

Let’s compare the record of Slaven Bilic in his first 20 Premier League games to Sam Allardyce’s last 20, shall we?

Pancho 1:59 Mon Jan 4


More like a fucking plum.


neilalex 11:25 Thu Sep 3
Nurse 10.39 - I think you misunderstand. Being high maintenance doesn't mean being 'spoilt' it references the degree to which you don't do what you're told by a bloke. My money is on high maintenance.

Nurse Ratched 11:27 Thu Sep 3
By your metric, Neil, I am stratospherically high maintenance.

neilalex 11:28 Thu Sep 3
That's not a huge surprise.

Northern Sold 11:49 Thu Jan 14
Re: Decent hotels in Berlin?

Ich Bien Cutzandpastenz Hotel is a nice place to stay...

Eddie B 12:15 Thu Jan 14
Re: Decent hotels in Berlin?

NS, are you spelling that right? I've googled it, but it's not coming up.


Nurse R expressing her undying love to H&P:

I didn't bother with it. It's boring. You're boring. And thick. I only interact with you because poking chimps through the bar of their cage with a sharp stick is probably illegal. When I engage with you it will be on my terms and my agenda only. You are mere pixels and exist ONLY to satisfy my amusement.

Nurse Ratched 7:30 Fri Jun 8
Re: Veganism and vegetarianism
Hey, Road.

When I smell bacon in the pan or a sirloin steak caramelising beautifully on the griddle, my tummy rumbles with hunger and I salivate in anticipation.

Does the same thing happen to you when you mow the lawn?


It'll be nice to have a break from the work WhatsApp group.

The constant fucking bingbongs (I was 'encouraged' not to keep muting the group) and the tyranny of having to select an appropriate emoji or line of emojis in response to colleagues' family bereavements, new babies, nightmare commutes, meltdown over the photocopier being jammed again, Hanukkah, Eid, Diwali, daughter's pineapple upside down cake and happy birthdays.

Does this emoji convey the right level of 'concern' or 'empathy'? Could it potentially come across as insincere (perish the fucking thought)? Is it vaguely pornographic, like the aubergine? I haven't had sex for over two years, everything's starting to look pornographic to me. Even that pineapple upside down cake. It's probably the addition of the glacé cherries.

boltkunt 2:59 Tue Dec 11
Re: EU Referendum 23rd June 2016 declares Cameron

Pickle, you haven't even seen my head.


Wils 12:24 Sat Aug 28
Re: Did anyone catch Covid from going to the game last Monday?

Manuel, You are following me around threads because of my view on baked beans.
Pork Pies thread: http://westhamonline.net/forum_flat.php?6923462||1||


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