Happy birthday m8

Thanks Alan 
 

Thanks Alan 
 

My Grandad was the best drummer who ever lived, despite only having biscuit tins for a drum kit and two rolling pins for sticks. Although he had a poor sense of timing and rhythm, he compensated with a heavy handed playing style and practised enthusiastically for 18 hours a day. My Nan didn't apprec...

Thanks Alan

HAS ANYONE lost a flat, orange cat and some flies in the car park of Llantrisant Tescos? I found them yesterday and wonder if there is a reward.

Kris, Pontyclun

Don't invite chimps to your birthday parties. They drink tea straight out of the spout, and if you give them a bun they eat the cherry off the top and squash the rest. I know because I saw it happen in Leeds years ago. Or I had a dream about it. I can't remember.

Mark Mango Bingo, Pontefract

Are we sure he's not joking?

A poster in my doctors surgery concerning wife beating read 'Don't suffer in Silence'. Well, whenever I punch my missus on the jaw she screams like a fucking banshee. It makes me wonder if doctors know what they're talking about half the time.

R. Crumble, Northants

USAIN BOLT'S two gold medals in the Olympics are all well and good, but running quickly in a straight line isn't going to put food on the table, is it? I think he'd do well to settle down and learn a trade while he's a young man. My grandson is a dentist and he's got a five door Ford Focus.

Why is it every time I take a chimpanzee into my house, it puts fucking butter in my shoe or something? I've a good mind to stop letting chimps into my house.

Alan Mogarry, e-mail

Well done chaps. Stirling job. Thankyou 

WHOEVER coined the phrase 'cleanliness is next to godliness' was talking out of his arse. I looked them up in the dictionary last night. Godly and godsend are next to godliness. Cleanliness was 343 pages away.

Jeff Hobbs, London