West Ham Online

"Been through bad time lately with suffering with this. Dark thoughts as well. I know some posters on here suffer with this. Anyone come through the other side of this shit?

"A number of posters have been yellow carded and told to stay off this thread unless they have anything constructive to add.This is a thread that has been very useful to so many, for any other posters with scores to settle, argue on another thread. This thread is sacrosant.Thank you"

"Angry. Wow mate, that's so story and fair play play finally sharing. If it's any consolation, the body is alot stronger than u realise. I have no right to be here if u laid out the amount of booze and drugs I took. A new start for u is just what the doctor ordered. Just stopping booze or drugs is great but needs to be monitored. I weaned off it under orders rather than just stopping and that was a highly respected doctor words. Ur daughter who had had troubles deserves alot of credit too for turning her life around. Keep us all in the loop of how Croatia is going. What a turnaround. Jonwhufc Well done mate. Its great to see or at least read all these people doing so much better. It really is good to talk it seems."

Had my second session of six tonight and going really well. Like this thread speaking to like minded people helps. We are not alone. Love to all of you and COYI xxx

Fair play angry and hats off to you for not only turning your own life around but also bringing your daughter through those darkest days. None of you can do anything about the past but you can and will the future. Good luck

"Going to be honest, never been able to read this thread until the last 7 days, which is why I havent posted in it. Which in itself is a worry."

"Ok, now it is my turn, been posting on here for a long time but never really allowed it to get personal but seeing some of the stories in here perhaps it is time I did. My story might help a few and some of you might be able to help me. As I posted in another thread, I have recently moved out of the family home and travelled to Croatia, we are in the process selling the house, I have two grown up daughters who are 19 and 21 (she was 21 today and it was the first of her birthdays I have missed). Like most marriages it has had its ups and downs but things really went tits up about 6 years ago, when my youngest daughter completely went off the rails (aged 12). She was sleeping boys, running away from home, doings various drugs, then she tried to kill herself for the first time. This is when I found out that she had been sexually abused by my late father in law, from the age of 8....... What made things worse is, I found out that my wife knew, as she too had been abused (but still let her parents look after our kids). The next 5 years were hell, she continued to rebel, we had social services involved, she went through 4 schools, rans away to London twice and attempted suicide 4 times, twice having to have her stomach pumped. The only way I could get close to her to discuss stuff was to slip back into old habits (I used to be a raver in the 90s') we ended up smoking weed together as I tried to help unravel her shit. Fast forward to 2020 and she was getting a lot better, she had somehow managed to get great GCSE results despite less than 50% attendance, the school also allowed her to work with me one day a week which was awesome and she then ended up getting a job in hospitality which she absolutely smashed! The problem was my own personal health (both physical and mental) was ruined. I was working remotely, so ended up not leaving my house at all, sometimes for weeks. I was smoking £500 worth of weed a month and drinking enough to sink a battleship to stop the nightmares. I still loved my wife but could not forgive what she had done. I was somehow managing to hold down a pretty high level job but when covid hit, that also went to shit. To be fair I was a shadow of the person they employed. So that brings us to the present, both my daughters are doing really well, one is at uni learning to become a 3d artist, the youngest has just been promoted to junior manager. Whilst I was sitting in my home office, having lost 2 stone through not eating (literally just smoking weed all day), and not sleeping due to nightmares unless I had at least a four pack. I was broken. I dont think I was ever quite suicidal but I 100% have a death wish, I felt lung cancer was far easier for the kids to deal with that finding me hanging in the garage. If a doctor had told me I had weeks to live, I would have said ""ok"". Hence why I took the decision to sell up and move away, I needed space, I needed somewhere to be me again. I used to be a very successful entrepreneur but I lost that a long time ago. Since moving out here I have given up smoking (8 days now without weed or tobacco), I have walked / run 30+ kms (I have no car here) and am back to smashing the shit out of work. Both my kids are so proud of the transformation and are so pleased to 'have me back'. You have no idea how deep you have got until you start to get out of it. I have no idea where this will go, or whether I have already fucked my body up to the point it doesnt matter anyway but I really feel like I used to 15 years ago. I feel like I can run through walls. So if you are struggling, you CAN do this. Cant believe I am going to post this, I have almost deleted it three times, going to be honest, I am in tears here, if anyone needs to talk, WHOmail me."

Chuffed for ya 67. What a terrific early Christmas present. I bet you’re chomping at the bit. No smiling!

Chuffed for ya 67. What a terrific early Christmas present. I bet you’re chomping at the bit. No smiling!

67 that's brilliant news. Bet you are wetting urself. Obviously it will be nice to see them but then where are you dumping them off for the game at? ;-) enjoy mate x

"'67 that's great news that they're coming Sunday, well pleased for you."

"Genuinely delighted for you 67, enjoy that huge hug in Heathrow mate, you deserve it !"

Congratulations 67 son

"This thread seems to have moved itself into a more positive field (an outsider's observation), but long may it continue; that really is a light at the end of the tunnel and not some twat with a torch bringing you more grief."

It is looking like I am in the same category as you block. Should have started this 4 years ago but Thailand and Qatar write came up. Now I have spoken with a clinical psychologicist for 2 hours i started getting claustrophobic in cinemas and aircraft to the point of panic after I was sick and never before. The flights and 2 and 8 day testing are paid for and inshalah I see my kids at LHR for the first time in 2 and half years 1pm Sunday afternoon

"mashed in maryland 1:46 Sat Oct 30 Re: Anxiety/depression For some, it is down to attitude. However, there are a lot of people who have genuine chemical imbalances which cause anxiety/depression. I'm one of the latter, but I do use my attitude to override it along with taking medication obviously. It's easy to judge something and advise people when you've never experienced it properly.(I say this in a general context)"

Irish great post mate. I had my first counselling session last week. I have just negotiated an exit from work which is my main problem but the first step I took on 9th of August feels like one of many. I am in a lot better place already and this thread has really helped. For once the Irons are helping us all when we need it most. What better pick up than being a Hammer right now. Love to all on here and COYI xxx

"Irish mate This thread has become a place for lads to open up and share their inner weaknesses, which we all have but those without the fortitude do not directly reveal The board in general is a similarly open place to unleash all manner of 'cuntings', which potentially refers to my first paragraph I wish you well as you dance physically and metaphorically around your troubles, you are not alone Your postings are second only to the iconic Alan in the must read list, keep them coming And never forget that there are plenty on here that can and are willing to play wing man if it comes on top As a wise man said 'A stranger willing to listen is a friend you have not yet met'"

"I don't want to derail the intentions of this thread, the positive mental attitude is something said by people who have never experienced what it is like to be sitting on the edge of your bed at 2 in the day staring into the blackest abyss you cannot even imagine could exist. Wanting so hard to be able to stand up and just go and have a shower/make your sandwich for lunch/ring you wife or friends just to say you love them. To not want to be dead as it will cause sadness and lost to your loved ones, but to not want to be alive either, because it's so hard to just keep being here. To be lost and fighting inside so hard to speak out your truth but to be crushed by the burden you are being to your loved ones through your illness. As a wonderful Psychiatrist once said to me, ""In all my years in medicine I have never seen anyone die because the did not have a positive outlook, it is enough to just try in whatever capacity you are able to."" I used to feel that everyday of my life was a fight, that everyday I have to step inside a boxing ring and fight with whatever I could muster that day just to get thru the day, never to win, but just to survive. I rehearsed the speech Rocky Balboa gave his son in the street : ‚ÄúThe world ain‚Äôt all sunshine and rainbows. It‚Äôs a very mean and nasty place, and I don‚Äôt care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain‚Äôt about how hard you hit. It‚Äôs about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That‚Äôs how winning is done"" I used to say it to myself every morning. and thought I was getting myself ready for that days fight. This went on for about 2 years, then in January this year a wonderful counsellor I had been seeing for 2 hours every Tuesday, her name was Cliodhna. She said to me on day, ""Philip, you know the way everyday you get yourself ready for a fight, that you have your speech in your head and you steel yourself for the day ahead, well you don't need to fight. You are already fighting and winning every minute of everyday. You take all your tablets, you go to all your medical appointments, you do whatever the doctors tell and undertake whatever procedures they say. You turn up here to meet me every Tuesday. You are fighting already, and you are winning. You need to realise that getting out of bed and just doing what you are doing is your fighting"". And its not needing to be aggressive, its just you ""loving yourself and honouring your life"" (which was something I have always said I want to do). It was the most profound and life changing thing I've ever experienced. And since then I've continued my ""fight"", but its a ""fight"" where I'm in control and its not fighting, its me being honest and living the best I can. And it has brought me true happiness. This very morning my wife came back from the gym at about midday. I had had a very bad night last night with hallucinations, night terrors and seizures. I was struggling. But when she came home I asked her if we could dance together. I put her favourite song on, Corinne Bailey Rae, 'Put your records on' and I danced on my own with her sitting on the sofa watching me with love in her eyes, for the first time in my life I let go and was able to dance like nobody is watching, I had tears in my eyes and I just felt free. She stood up and we danced like to crazy people in our small apartment sitting room. I'm starting to build little roads in my head again that do make sense, that don't make my mind go like a crazy washing machine all the time. But it took a lot of work, hard work, but the most fulfilling work I have ever done. I used to find it tough when someone is unnecessarily horrible to me, like someone else said before a horrible post on here can hurt. I like to post up any good articles I see about West Ham, and I often get told to ""jog on you boring cսnt Irish"". I'm not posting them to get credit or to be told I'm a great guy, I have so many happy West Ham moments from my life, I like anything that's positive and good about the club and the sports I have always loved. I just wish things didn't go sour sometimes. But that's life and we got to take it. To anyone struggling, you just take whatever step forward you can and listen to those who are trying to help, that's all we need to do. No self help books, or quotes are needed. You are already fighting by just waking up everyday. Remember that, and don't be mean to yourself. You are doing amazingly. Sorry for this very rambling and probably odd looking post. but it is just how I feel today, and I've now learned to hold the good times tight and smile through every second of them. Have a great day all, and thank you for indulging me. Irons."

Great post Mashed and actually very constructive. Positive thinking and focusing only on the things you can personally influence are incredibly important factors for strong mental health as is keeping yourself physically fit with some form of daily exercise.

"This is probably gonna go down like a lead balloon, but it needs saying and I feel its constructive: A lot of this is to do with attitude. TMTY's post exemplifies this. Its like he's already resigned himself to failure and misery, even gone as far as to insult the inhabitants of his new home before he's got there. Here's another way of looking at it... Lancaster isn't Vegas or even London but its a lovely little town with a lot of history, and its right on the edge of some of the best countryside and landscapes in the country. People pay millions for homes round there. The people are generally much more friendly and warm than in London. You'll have no problem meeting new people. The weather might be shitter but your money will go a lot further meaning you'll be able to get away somewhere warmer more often (assuming you're earning similar money). And above all you'll be closer to your kids and able to be a big part of their lives (if i read your post right, apologies if not) and the lack of a father fucks up A LOT of otherwise good kids and what they'll have with you around is priceless. TMTY, I'm not trying to dig you out or belittle your problem, but how you view things is a big part of how they turn out. Seeing this as a new challenge will mean it'll turn out a lot better than ""I'm going down a waterfall and it'll be shit"". Good luck, i guess."

"Too much, Lancaster is actually an ok place from what I remember having visited a few times albeit a good 20+ years ago. Take one step at a time and focus on any positives you can."

"The first on my appointments yesterday I should had in 2017 before going back overseas to work 2 hours with a clinical psychologist I had some some cognitive tests. I have to go back and see her in months time, I have an MRI brain scan coming a lumbar puncture to test my spinal fluid and a psychologist."

"Moving can be traumatic I know that from experience. I read your posts about your situation and you have done well up this point to keep it together. They way you can look at it as a new chapter in you life a new beginning and leaving all you have been through behind you , This forum will always be here you mate"

"Evening all, I'm finally breaking cover of ever increasing levels of anxiety. If contracts get exchanged this week, I'll be moving to fucking Lancaster from Wimbledon next Friday, and apart from the reasons why (kids and ex wife related), I'm really not looking forward to it nor want to. I love London and i hate the north for starters. It's cold, it's always raining, they all sound dim, i won't know fucking anyone (apart from the kids). I feel like i'm in a barrel heading towards a huge fuck off waterfall, with a blade of grass to try and paddle against the flow. Getting a bit breathless now and again over it, as waves of pure dread wash over me, not something i'm used to and its been building over the past weeks. Moving house is a stressful thing as it is, but all previous moves (4), i've looked forward to. It's worse in that I'm having to move into somewhere temp first (as i was gonna lose my first time buyers), so i'm actually moving into a small place near a pikey camp in Morecambe! Imagine that...fucking hell."

"Cheers Sniper, back in 2015 I'd only been there for just under 2 years so didn't have a leg to stand on. They said the redundancy was down to a change in job description as they wanted a driver who could work behind the counter and I have no clue on electrical wholesale so that wasn't my job. The irony was the guy who took over left after a couple of months and the replacement did less than me!!!! I popped back to help them out a couple of weeks later when my replacement was ill but on my terms. I'd come in at time of first delivery, which was usually an hour and a half after my normal arrival and I would leave when the deliveries were done rather than hang around sweeping the floor for an hour, and it worked well for that week. Don't know why more companies don't do that with drivers, you are there as a driver so just clock in and out as a driver! Anyway I digress. I became very ill after my redundancy so I couldn't have gone back anyway, and they timed it well enough being just short of two years."

"Zico That all sounds horrendous mate. The money situation is awful all round right now, I have no idea how people barely scraping by are meant to cope. It’s unbelievable really. I hope you’re doing ok Regarding the job/redundancy issue, can you fight it again retrospectively? I got forced out a job after taking time off for depression, improved in meetings how they hadn’t even met their own HR policies for support but it made no difference and was made redundant. My boss was just an arse. But when I reached out to legal forms about it, who discussed how you can claim for loss of future earnings and even things like lost annual leave (I’d been there over a decade so had accrued annual leave up to the maximum amount and now in my new role have far less starting from scratch again). But when I explained that I really didn’t have the energy or mental strength to fight it at the time, they just said come back when you feel you can. I wonder if that’s a route you can choose? I hope things get better for you quickly fella"