West Ham Online

Usual rules apply

Eton College sports staff * are distraught at the school's closure. They've never had to wank at home before. * Substitute church / school / hugh of your choice.

"Just got an e-mail warning there could be the virus in meats like ham, corned beef pork ,etc but it's probably just spam !"

This is more like it!

We're going mad about bog roll. But a friend in Germany says everyone's panic-buying cheese and sausages at the supermarket. It's a wurst käse scenario

"Friend of mine woke up with a temperature, cough, sore throat. Also had Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby songs, going round and round in his head. He's caught Crooner Virus."

"Mate of mine just got back from Spain and has only caught Coronavirus at Malaga airport, they reckon it could be a Terminal illness !"

"Nail Salons closed Lash salons closed Hair salons closed Waxing salons closed It's about to get ugly out there ,lads- stay safe"

"A third Briton has been declared dead from coronavirus. At the Sanitiser Bowl Hospital in East London, Dr David Moyes said the victim was.... ""Showing signs of improvement."" Ta-boom."

"Reasons Not To Mess With Children A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'."

"I was admitted into hospital yesterday with suspected food poisoning, it appears what I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb I should be out by early spring"

"Went into the chemist and asked an assistant ""What gets rid of coronavirus?"" She said ""Ammonia cleaner"" I said ""I'm sorry, I thought you worked here"" Yes, it's dreadful and I chuckled."

"I met a Dalek in the pub who claimed he was from Devon. I asked him ""whereabouts in Devon mate?""ù He replied ""Exeter mate, Exeter mate.""ù"

"MY MORNING STROLL. This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around my local Marina. I noticed a character shouting ""Allah be praised!"" and ""Death to all Infidels!"", when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown! Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coast Guard and even Fire and Rescue! It is now 11:00 AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded. I'm starting to think I just wasted three STAMPS."

Man with Corona virus desperately seeking woman with Lyme disease

Surgeons have said that a man who was shot by his wife over 300 times using an upholstery staple gun is now fully recovered

What's the difference between Tyson Fury and a Muslim? Fury can take a shot to the head.

A long life supporter of West Ham has said if he wins the euro millions lottery he may try and purchase the club. However his wife has said she has other plans should he get four numbers.

eswing Yeah I heard he was ill but I thought he's stick it out longer

Did Flack kill herself softly with a song?

"We've lost another one , the bloke who invented Velcro has died ...RIP"

How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy!

Who can drink 5 litres of petrol and not get sick? Jerry Can

Christ I can't believe the service of Amazon. I ordered a trampoline yesterday afternoon and it was in my back garden this morning.

"Earlier this morning my wife texted me: ""Some of the girls in the office have had flowers delivered, they're really beautiful"" I replied: ""That'll be why they got flowers then."""

I gave my wife a massive orgasm last night. It's a shame she spat it out.