West Ham Online

Usual rules apply

"The inventor of predictive text pissed away yesterday , his funfair is next monkey."

"What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump? Found in your cell, unresponsive."

I really hate it when your finger pops through the toilet paper when wiping . . . . But apart from that I'm really enjoying my new job in the old peoples home

"One of my mates reckons the temperature of his testicles is 27 degrees celsius""¶ Absolute bollocks!"

"Aalborg Hammer Your ""òjoke' of 9:03 Fri Aug 9 almost sounds like one you just made up, ""¶but this one - 5:45 Tue Aug 13 is superb"

"A mate of mine has been collecting magazines on Osteopathy for nearly twenty years now. He has lots of back issues,"

My grandparents real names were Nanny Pearl and Grandpa Dean but we just called them Grandma and Grandpapapapapapapapapapa

"Husband and wife sit down to dinner in a restaurant . Food arrives. Husband: the food here looks great ,let's eat. Wife: you usually pray before you eat luv . Husband: that's at home luv, the chef here knows how to cook."

"Don't think he actually said that, chim..."

Jesus. Some of you cunts need to get out more

Hmmm! Perhaps you needed to be there when he said it....

"Jim Bowen. My favourite moment. ""Next up at the ""òockey we've got Hoppy...why'd they call you Hoppy lad?""ù ""Cos I've only got one leg Jim.""ù ""Lovely. Smashing.""ù"

Newcastle United have brought in the DIY SOS team to do up their physio room after signing Andy Carroll

I went out with a girl once who told me she was a carpenter. She really enjoyed doing a bit of tongue in groove

"A Sea Cow-shaped Zeppelin, advertising the rock opera ""Tommy"", has just burst into flames and crashed to earth. Oh, The Who manatee!"

"Called in to see my Scottish neighbour last night, I walked in as he was up a ladder stripping wallpaper. ""Alright Jock, spot of decorating?"" ""Moving house""."

"I asked my wife why did she marry me. Wife: ""Because you are funny."" Me: ""I thought it was beacause I was good in bed?"" Wife: ""You see? You're hilarious."""

What do you call a Frenchman in sandals Philippe Philoppe

Exiled In Surrey 12:40 Mon Jul 29 Boss: now get out of my office!

Boss: you're fired Me: *slams fist on desk* you woke me up for this?

Pete Doherty recently tried to connect with a younger audience by rebranding himself P-Doh with limited success.

"A woman passed her daughter's room n heard a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked why?? The daughter replied: mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So Please,leave me alone. Next day, the father heard the same buzz n upon entering, he also saw the same scene. To his query,the daughter again said: dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, leave me alone. A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping and heard that buzzing noise coming from, the living room. On entering she saw her husband sitting on the couch,downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: What the fuck are you doing? The husband replied:Im here Watching Some football with my son-in-law."

"The wife was trying to be sexy last night, laid on the bed sliding her lollipop in and out of her snatch and then licking it. ""Steady love"", i said, ""you'll need that in the morning to help see the kids across the road""."

Ag

Just seen it's John McCririck's funeral this Friday at 5/2