West Ham Online

Usual rules apply

My pet mouse Elvis died last night. He was caught in a trap. swt

"""Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy"" - Richard Stott ""What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh"" - Milton Jones ""A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'"" - Jake Lambert ""A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it"" - Ross Smith ""Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning"" - Ross Smith ""I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it"" - Adele Cliff ""After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford ""To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian"" - Mark Simmons ""I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts"" - Ivo Graham"

Heard about the man who kept shouting 'brocolli' and cauliflower' Thought he had florets

"Fella comes home and asks his wife if she'd like to play a sex game. ""OK"" she says ""What do I have to do??"" ""I've got flavoured condoms and you have to guess what flavour they are"" She goes down on him and says ""Cheese and onion?"" ""Wait a minute ,I haven't put one on yet"""

"On the recommendation of a friend, a bloke decides to try a new brothel in town. He goes into reception and is greeted by a young lady who passes him a card. He says: ""What's this then?"" ""It's the menu "" she replies He looks at the card and reads Hand job £10 Blow job £30 Full sex £50 Anal £70 Sundries Coffee £2 Tea £1.50 Cheese sandwich £3 Ham sandwich £3.50 ""Wow"" he exclaims ""Are you the girl that does the hand jobs"" ""Yes"" she replies He looks at the menu and says ""Wash your hands I'll have a cheese sandwich!"""

"The inventor of predictive text pissed away yesterday , his funfair is next monkey."

"What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump? Found in your cell, unresponsive."

I really hate it when your finger pops through the toilet paper when wiping . . . . But apart from that I'm really enjoying my new job in the old peoples home

"One of my mates reckons the temperature of his testicles is 27 degrees celsius""¶ Absolute bollocks!"

"Aalborg Hammer Your ""òjoke' of 9:03 Fri Aug 9 almost sounds like one you just made up, ""¶but this one - 5:45 Tue Aug 13 is superb"

"A mate of mine has been collecting magazines on Osteopathy for nearly twenty years now. He has lots of back issues,"

My grandparents real names were Nanny Pearl and Grandpa Dean but we just called them Grandma and Grandpapapapapapapapapapa

"Husband and wife sit down to dinner in a restaurant . Food arrives. Husband: the food here looks great ,let's eat. Wife: you usually pray before you eat luv . Husband: that's at home luv, the chef here knows how to cook."

"Don't think he actually said that, chim..."

Jesus. Some of you cunts need to get out more

Hmmm! Perhaps you needed to be there when he said it....

"Jim Bowen. My favourite moment. ""Next up at the ""òockey we've got Hoppy...why'd they call you Hoppy lad?""ù ""Cos I've only got one leg Jim.""ù ""Lovely. Smashing.""ù"

Newcastle United have brought in the DIY SOS team to do up their physio room after signing Andy Carroll

I went out with a girl once who told me she was a carpenter. She really enjoyed doing a bit of tongue in groove

"A Sea Cow-shaped Zeppelin, advertising the rock opera ""Tommy"", has just burst into flames and crashed to earth. Oh, The Who manatee!"

"Called in to see my Scottish neighbour last night, I walked in as he was up a ladder stripping wallpaper. ""Alright Jock, spot of decorating?"" ""Moving house""."

"I asked my wife why did she marry me. Wife: ""Because you are funny."" Me: ""I thought it was beacause I was good in bed?"" Wife: ""You see? You're hilarious."""

What do you call a Frenchman in sandals Philippe Philoppe

Exiled In Surrey 12:40 Mon Jul 29 Boss: now get out of my office!

Boss: you're fired Me: *slams fist on desk* you woke me up for this?