West Ham Online

Usual rules apply

Dianne Abbot is suing Tesco for using her signature on their Hot Cross Buns.

Went to a bulimia party yesterday. Place was heaving.

Just been watching Benefit street and to be honest it's not much different to Sesame Street.... Both have a big bird and bloke living out of a bin plus loads of people trying to learn the alphabet.

It was hard getting over my addiction to the hokey cokey.... But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.

"Ali and Mohammad were begging on a street in London. Mohammad was just getting by, but couldn't work out how Ali drove home in a new BMW and owned a large house outright, so he asked Ali how he could afford so much while he was still sleeping rough? Ali said, ""that's easy I just hold up this sign""ù, which read ""¬£10.00 to go back home, thank you please""ù!"

"An old Yorkshireman was lying on his bed dying. With a weak voice he asks: ""Is r lass ""òere?""ù ""Aye,am here luv""ù ""Are mi kids ""òere?""ù ""Aye,they're all ""òere,luv""ù ""Are mi grandkids ""òere?""ù ""Yes Granddad,we're all ""òere""ù ""Then why is the bloody light in kitchen still on?""ù"

"The wife asked if I loved her or football the most. I said ""open your legs and I'll show you""ù. Nutmegged her."

"Scouser goes with a prostitute, she asks him if he wants a blow job, He says ""Will it effect my dole money?"""

Elton John is going to release a charity single for the Mosque shooting victims in Christchurch.... Its going to be called 'sandels in the bin'

Declan Rice wins Irish Young Player of the Year award

My mother was a red Indian and my father a Scotsman...they were going to call me 'Hawkeye the Noo'

I reused to believe I was gay and dyslexic..... I was in daniel.

Man: I keep smelling rotten eggs Doctor: It sounds like you are suffering from an olfactory hallucination. It could be a symptom of a neurological process When do you have this experience? Man: Every time I fart

At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perfom under pressure I told the interviewer I didn't really know that one but could have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody

I poured my root beer into a square glass...now I just have beer

And the winner is.................devonhammer

"Both Cream and The Jam were going to reunite for gigs in Devon and Cornwall this year, but the venues couldn't agree about who should go on first."

How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg.

I just had a lovely walk. . . . . . . . Fucking autocorrect!!

"I'm thinking of starting a dating agency for chickens , I'm hoping I'll be able to make hens meet."

Yesterday I ate a clock. It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds

"One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think its bollocks."

"A fella holds a fancy dress party. A bloke knocked on his door, he opened it and the bloke was standing there in his underwear. He said to him what have you come as ? he says a premature ejaculation .He says what do you mean by the that ? the bloke said I've come in my pants"

Only three more Chelsea managers till Christmas

"Liam Neeson is in trouble yet again today after announcing ""I could murder a Chinese"" earlier on this afternoon."