West Ham Online

Usual rules apply

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye

"I tried to force feed my child... After a while my wife said ""Just use a fucking spoon, you're not a Jedi""ù"

My dog only responds to commands in Spanish. He's Espanyol

My mate asked me to pass him some lip balm but I gave him some superglue instead. He's still not talking to me.....

"The Bayeux Tapestry will spend 6 months in Wales during its loan to the UK from France. A spokesman for the National Museum of Wales said ""We haven't decided yet where we're going to display it. It'll either be Bayeux, or by there.""ù"

"Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. ""Twenty quid"" she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before ,but he decides ""What the heck,it's only twenty quid"" So they hide in the bushes.They're going ""at it"" for a couple of minutes when ,all of a sudden,a light flashes on them and it's a Garda . ""What's going on here,people?"" asks the police officer ""Paddy says ""I'm making love to my wife"" ""Oh,I'm sorry,i didn't realise"" says the policeman ""Well"" says Paddy ""Neither did I until you shined that torch in her face"""

I made a curry last night and put ginger in it. My other half went ballistic. She loved that cat......

I applied for a job at Citroen.I had to send in 2 CV's

"Just back from the Hospital. They reckon I might have Pneumonoultrmicroscopicsilicovolcanconosis, But it's hard to say"

"Karen Carpenter sang ""Why do birds suddenly appear"" Is it because you threw your dinner out the window Karen?"

Excellent Ted!

"THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain . Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece . Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel . Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada . Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet .Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea and the USA ; ruled by a pair of nuts."

That's a cracker coffee

Someone's having a late Christmas lunch.

Q# What did the idiot call his Zebra? A# Spot

"Undertaker says to widow: ""He died with a hard on and we can't get the lid on the coffin. Widow says: Cut it off and shove it up his arse."" Undertaker carries out her instruction and the body lies there with a pained expression on his face. Widow leans over him and says: ""Fucking hurts, doesn't it!"""

"Barbara was lying in bed one night. Fred was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: ""You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "" Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: ""Then you used to kiss me... Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: ""Then you used to bite my Neck..."" Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. ""Where are you going?"" Barb asked.. ""To get my teeth!"""

Bloody Amazon I ordered 4 Kindles and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD

Hello Mrs. Jones 2:01 Mon Jan 8 Brilliant!

It was so cold today I saw a socialist with his hands in his own pockets.

Mad Dog 10:48 Mon Jan 8 my son sent it to me after seeing on FB

"Even if it's stolen off of the tv show ""how I met your mother"""

Excellent find claret...

The Universal Hot vs Crazy Matrix - a Man's Guide to Women https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwbKYcBdVyk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRD3z9WaLRg