West Ham Online

Usual rules apply

How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy!

"I was in a restaurant and I realised I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my reliefs to the beat of the music. After just a few songs I started to feel better. As I finished my coffee, I noticed that everybody was staring at me. That was when I remembered I was listening to my iPod..."

Its to soon for a lorry joke right?

When I lived in Singapore in 2002 there was a coffee shop on Bukit Timan called HE-BREWS/SHE-BREWS

Christmas is a lot like sex these days. The build up is great but as soon as it comes I regret spending all that money.

"My mate's opened some shops in Israel...the dairy shop is Cheeses of Nazareth ,the ice cream shop is Walls of Jericho and the Mother care shop is Judas's Carry cots"

"If online bullying has taught us anything, it's that fat kids would rather hang themselves than lose some weight."

"I just told that one to my wigan born collegue and she replied ""did you really meet someone from Wigan last night?"""

I met a transvestite from Manchester last night. She had a Wigan address

It's always Jolly Holidays with Merry (said in best cockney accent ala Dick Van Dyke)

Merry Holidays ? Its Merry Christmas you twat

"A Burger van on the A12 just outside Romford has won the title of the best mobile catering establishment in the UK. The food is so good, it has just been awarded two Michelin tyres."

"Bob Monkhouse told one of my favourite ever jokes ""When I was younger, I told people that I wanted to be a comedian. They laughed at me. ""Well, they're not laughing now"" I think Farage was inspired by it."

Aalborg Hammer 6:27 Tue Dec 20 That genuinely did make me LOL. There's childish humour and adults pretending to make childish jokes. That was childish humour. Something Bob Monkhouse could have delivered with consummate ease. Thank You. Merry Holidays.

"What do you call a camel with Four humps?"" A Saudi Quattro"

"A bloke goes home and asks his wife if she'd like to play an adult game called ""Wheelbarrow"" She says ""OK, What have I got to do?"" He says ""Take all your clothes off and lie on the floor,face down...I'll then to pick your legs up and put them under my arms and off we go"" ""Alright"" she says ""But don't go past my Mums' house"""

"At a funeral a man asks the vicar for the wifi code, the vicar replies 'please have some respect for your late mother', the man says 'is that all lower case'?"

It took me a moment Bob...

Do all black people have a problem with slavery? Or is it just mine?

"Well Xmas dinner won't be the same after brexit , no Brussels."

The missus and I are trying for a baby. The mother-in-law has offered to help out. But only until I get hard.

Q .What's the difference between bogies and Brussels sprouts? A.You'll never get your kids to eat Brussels sprouts

"Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, ""Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in.""ù God asks Obama first: ""What do you believe?"" He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, ""I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen"". God can't help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Hillary and says, ""What do you believe?"" Hillary says, ""I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."" God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Trump and says, ""And you, Donald, what do you believe?"" Trump replies, ""I believe you're in my seat."""

Any way I get confirmation that my order has been cancelled last week and give 3-5 days for the refund. and then get an email saying my items are ready for collection and are now in my possession. And you thought only at West Ham. Continued from the Inverness Caledonian below

I just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar. Every time you open a door someone tells you to fuck off.