West Ham Online

Usual rules apply

"Bloke goes to nightschool to learn magic and join the Magic Circle. One night ,he gets back home and the wife is standing in the kitchen with their two kids. ""What did you do tonight,Frank?"" says the missus ""I learned how to change people into furniture"" ""Go on then,change me and the two kids into a three piece suite"" He waves his magic wand ,mutters a spell ,there's a flash and a bang and a three piece suite is there in the kitchen. ""Very good,now change us back"" says the settee. No matter how hard he tries,he can't reverse the spell and calls 999 and the ambulance as a last resort. He paces up and down outside the casualty department worried sick and after two hours ,the doctor emerges ""How's my family,Doctor?"" ""They're comfortable"""

Pete Burns has only just died and our local hospital has already named a unit after him !!!

"Blonde : ""My husband's suffering from dandruff and nothing we've tried seems to work."" Brunette : ""Oh, that's no problem. I gave mine Head and Shoulders and that did the trick."" Blonde : ""How do you give shoulders?"""

Just farted so long and hard that my voice recognition software wrote a Daily Mail column.

"Betty is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8am. The next day, at 8.45am the foreman throws open the personnel manager's office door and begins ranting about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're literally beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Betty, surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece fabric, wraps it around 2 marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel managers burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Betty. ""I'm sorry"", he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ""but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave u yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo 2 test tickles."""

"An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ""Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.""ù The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained""¶ ""Well, doc, it's like this ""î first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. ""She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.""ù The doctor was shocked. ""You asked your neighbor? Good heavens!""ù The old man replied, ""Yep, none of us could get the jar open"""

"I saw a midget climb down the wall of a prison yesterday and glare at me. I thought, ""That's a little condescending."""

How do you get 100 cows into a barn? Put a 'Bingo' sign up

"Paddy and his Mrs wake up one night coz the next door neighbours dog is barking in the garden. This goes on for a couple of hours so Paddy storms downstairs and goes out the back door. Five minutes later he comes back and his Mrs says ""Paddy, what did you do?"" Paddy says ""I put the dog in our garden, let's see how they like it"""

If you are attacked by and evil clown the only way to defend yourself. Go for the Juggler

"Paddy says to Mick ""Why do deep sea divers fall out of the boat backwards"" to which Mick replies ""You must be stupid, if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat"""

"Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch. She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year."

Ha ha ha! Good one Joker.

Why aren't moderate friendly clowns speaking out about these extremist killer clowns?!

There are four West Ham fans playing football outside my house with a hedgehog! I was going to call the RSPCA but then the hedgehog went one-nil up!!

"A bloke goes into a hardware shop and says ""I'd like to buy a dead wasp ,please?"" The hardware shop chap says ""We haven't got any"" ""Yes you have,there's one in the window"""

What's got six toes and spins? Fred Titmus

"20 benson 11:04 Tue Sep 13 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Q. What goes ""clip-clop, clip-clop, bang; clip-clop, clip-clop, bang""ù ? A. An Amish drive-by shooting. That's a drive up shooting."

"Here's an old one for the cricket fans amongst us. It's a story from a while back when the England cricket team were on tour in Barbados. They're out for dinner one evening and the special of the day is Turtle soup...Botham chooses it and is told he'll have a 20 minute wait for it. After half an hour, the waiter apologises and says that the Turtle soup is off because of a problem in the kitchen.The waiter takes Botham into the kitchen and the turtle's clammed up-tail's in,head's in and flippers in.""We have to chop it's head off before we can start"" Botham daubs butter over his finger and inserts it up the turtle's arse- bingo!,the head pops out and they're in business...walking back to the table,the waiter says ""That's a clever trick,where did you learn that?"" ""It's something we have to do every time we put a tie on Gladstone Small"""

"Paddy went for a job and the fella says ""Have you filled in the questionnaire yet?"" So he went downstairs and beat up the doorman"

i just found out that the bloke who stole my diary has died my thoughts are with his family..............

"A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, ""Watch out for the fucking wall""......."

"Q. What goes ""clip-clop, clip-clop, bang; clip-clop, clip-clop, bang""ù ? A. An Amish drive-by shooting."

Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a petri dish. The results speak for themselves

"What cսnt put the ""s"" in ""lisp""?"