West Ham Online

MC Hammer owned an antiques shop and took his role very seriously. He had signs all over warning "You can't touch this".


Go on then.

WHOEVER coined the phrase 'cleanliness is next to godliness' was talking out of his arse. I looked them up in the dictionary last night. Godly and godsend are next to godliness. Cleanliness was 343 pages away.

Jeff Hobbs, London

So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do they?Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond 

Hide potatoes wrapped in tin foil around your house and then if it burns down, at least you have a tasty snack.

When your meat paste jar is practically empty, get the dog to lick out any remaining contents and scrape his tongue with a cracker for a tasty snack.

Sticking two Shredded Wheat to the roof of a birdhouse gives it that ' thatched cottage' look

Anorexics: when your knees are wider than your thighs, start eating cakes again.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurts by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

When people talk about David Beckham, they always say that he's a brilliant footballer but thick as two short planks. 
You never hear anyone saying that Stephen Hawking is a genius, but shite at football, do you?
As usual it's one rule for England captains and another for theoretical quantum physicists.

Nick Jones
Sheffield

I recently went on an 18-30 holiday for the first time, I was very disappointed to find there were no discussion groups or lectures on the assession to the throne by William lV…..mind you I did get a great nosh off a lass from Blackpool

I hope your readers can help. We all know the act of sniffing a ladies bike seat is called 'snurgling'. But is the person undertaking the activity a more traditionally spelt 'snurgler' or is it the more modern American style 'snurglar'? Any help would be appreciated. I don't want to get it wrong on the interests and hobbies section of this job application form I am completing. Thanks readers. 

Alan McFunt, Falkirk

CAN YOU settle an argument? My wife says I'm a drunken bastard for coming home at 3 in the morning and pissing in the wardrobe. I say she's a lazy cow who never makes any effort to look nice, and if she gave me a bit now and then I wouldn't have to go looking for it elsewhere. Who is correct?

Bert Weedon, Chorleywood

Before Bono asks the working classes for more money to pay for food in some dry and dusty African country, he should have a a think about the amount he spends on yellow, pink and orange tinted glasses. It must be a fortune. Every time I see him he has a new pair. Why doesn't he use that money to send to the starving. Or, of course, just buy one pair of glasses and wear those all the time, then I may not have a problem. 

Ryan Sidewhitt
Rotheram

"They say that carbon monoxide is the silent killer in the home. Not in my house it's not. It was my husband Fred"

Rose West, Durham.

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Aldridge Prior...Steve McQueen's body double