West Ham Online

Usual rules apply

"Ted. That's gary delaney. My favourite comedian. I've seen him live several times and he's much much better live. He's toned right down any time He's on tv. His last 2 tours I saw twice, once at beginning and once towards the end. Both times by the time it got to the 2nd show loads of the gags had changed as He's constantly writing. He's a genuinely nice bloke too, spoke to him a few times and on social media he will respond to most messages he gets. Married to Sarah milligan too"

Decent one liners https://www.google.com/search?q=bbc+nine+minutes+of+one+liners&rlz=1C1CHBF_en-GBGB898GB902&oq=BBC+One+liners&aqs=chrome.1.0i512j0i22i30j0i390l2.10271j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

"To be honest Ray, the FedEx one did make me chortle."

"Lee Trundle 11:48 Mon Aug 22 Fuck me, 'jokes'?"

"Dave's Top 10 Funniest Jokes of the Fringe: 1. ""I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta"" - Masai Graham 2. ""Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery"" - Mark Simmons 3. ""My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock"" - Olaf Falafel 4. ""By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family"" - Hannah Fairweather 5. ""I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person"" - Will Mars 6. ""I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back"" - Olaf Falafel 7. ""I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx"" - Richard Pulsford 8. ""I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery"" - Tim Vine 9. ""Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate"" - Sophie Duker 10. ""I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days"" - Will Duggan"

"A retired physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: ""Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for £500 - if not cured, get back £1,000."" Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get £1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. Dr. Young: ""Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"" Dr. Geezer: ""Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."" Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"" Dr. Geezer: "" Congratulations ! You've got your taste back. That will be £500."" Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: ""I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."" Dr. Geezer: ""Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."" Dr. Young: ""Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"" Dr. Geezer: "" Congratulations ! You've got your memory back. That will be££500."" Dr. Young (after having lost £1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: ""My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"" Dr. Geezer: ""Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, ""Here's your £1000 back"" (giving him a £10 bill). Dr. Young: ""But this is only £10!"" Dr. Geezer: "" Congratulations ! You got your vision back! That will be £500."" *Moral of story* -- Just because you're ""Young"" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an ""old Geezer"" *Remember:* Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off. ENJOY YOUR DAY!!! P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers"

"Rashid is a 52 year old man from Sudan. He is deaf and has only one eye, one leg, and one arm. He cares for his fifteen grandchildren, whose parents have all died from disease, famine or violence. Every morning Rashid must ride 50 km to collect water for his family on a bike with no tyres, no forward gear, and only one pedal. If you send us just £2 a month we will give you a video of it, it's f#cking hilarious. Yeah I know it's old"

"I met this Dutch bird on a dating agency, who owned her own inflatable shoe company , we arranged to meet but she never turned up , so l phoned the agency and they told me unfortunately she'd popped her clogs !"

"My mate just asked me what ringtone I've got. I said ""I've never really looked but probably light brown"

"Just heard that the new James Bond will be aimed at the woke brigade. will star as a man transitioning to a woman. The film will be called ""¶ ""Cocktopussy""ù"

I always try to save my best material for the gammons.

ag ag ag ag

"Pickle like to tell this joke to the gammons Polish member of EU parliament went on an official trip to France... during which he had to attend a diplomatic dinner with his French counterpart. Seeing his magnificent villa, with paintings from great masters on the walls, he asks the French EU mp how he ensures such a standard of living from the modest salary of a Euro MP. The Frenchman invites him to the window. - Can you see this highway? - Yes - It cost me 20 billion francs, the EU wrote out an invoice for 25, and I keep the difference. Two years later, the French Minister goes to Poland to visit his counterpart. Upon arrival, he sees that the Polish Minister's home is the most beautiful palace he has ever encountered in his life. He says to the Pole: -Two years ago, you said that i lived a prince's life... but compared to you... The Polish Minister approaches the window. - Can you see this highway? - No? - Exactly."

I told my shrink to get on his bike. He was cycle-analysing

"Phoned Heart FM today, to enter their mystery prize competition. The presenter answered and said, ""Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize"".. ""That Fantastic!"" I called out in delight. ""Feel Confident?"" The presenter asked, ""It's a Geography Question."" ""Well, I've got a degree in Geography from Oxford University,"" I proudly replied, ""and I've taught Geography to A level students for the last 20 years"" ""Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 VIP tickets to a Tottenham game and to meet the players after the game, what is the capital of France?"" ""Bradford"", I replied. Of course it's old."

"THE TAXMAN COMETH At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?' 'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.' 'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?' 'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.' 'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?' 'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi... 'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick"

"My sex change operation from a man to a woman went really well...in fact so good,I'm still trying to back the car out-of the hospital carpark"

The IT teacher at our local school has just been arrested for interfering with his kids. Turns out he was a PDF file!

"As the weather is so hot I asked the Hermes delivery driver if he'd like a bottle of cold water. When he said yes, I dropkicked it over a fence into my neighbour's rose bush and told him I'd left it in a designated safe space."

"ONE OF MY FAVOURITES....... A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. 'Son, where were you today?' Son says 'at school dad.' Robot slaps the son! 'Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!' 'What dvd?' 'Toy story.' Robot slaps the son again! 'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son. 'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.' Robot slaps the mum!"

A little known fact from the world of football. Brightons' Danny Welbecks ' father is a bomb disposal expert called Stan

The Dyslexorcist. YOUR MOTHER COOKS SOCKS IN HELL.

"A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?' The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?' She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts..... Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'did you call for me?' says the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer. 'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says. The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.' 'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.' The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'"

"I called the RSPCA today and said, ""I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."" ""That's terrible,"" she replied. ""Are they moving?"" ""I'm not sure, to be honest,"" I said, ""But that would explain the suitcase."""

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