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THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 12 Aug 2015, 18:13
by Mad Dog
Usual rules apply
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 13 Jun 2022, 13:57
by ted fenton
"""I have outlived my pecker."" The Penis Poem -- by Willie Nelson My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out. What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout. Time was when, on its own accord, From my trousers it would spring. But now I've got a full time job, To find the f***in' thing. It used to be embarrassing, The way it would behave. For every single morning, It would stand and watch me shave. Now as old age approaches, It sure gives me the blues. To see it hang its little head, And watch me tie my shoes!!"
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 12 Jun 2022, 13:53
by ted fenton
"SEX AFTER DEATH!!! A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: ""Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"" ""Is that you, Frank?"" ""Yes, I've come back as we agreed."" ""That's wonderful! What's it like?"" ""Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."" ""Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"" ""No -- I'm a fucking rabbit somewhere in Scotland"""
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 10 Jun 2022, 12:10
by Helmut Shown
"A bloke goes to a prostitute and asks what can he get for twenty quid. The prostitute tells him he can do cunnilingus on her. He gets down to it but stops as there is something in his mouth. He spits it out to see a pea. He resumes plating the prostitute but stops again and spits out a bit of carrot. He says to the prostitute ""what's going on here""ù She replies ""oh it's alright the last bloke to do that threw up""ù"
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 04 Jun 2022, 18:08
by Dowies Love Child
"A friend of mine always used to tell me that the first rule of the theatre was to always leave them wanting more. Lovely bloke, terrible anesthetist."
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 03 Jun 2022, 19:26
by Aalborg Hammer
"I watched my son walk back to the pavilion. ""Well done son"" I said ""you'll play for England one day"". ""Dad"" he replied ""I was bowled out for a duck, twice"". ""I know son, I know "" I answered."
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 03 Jun 2022, 13:05
by Sir Alf
"Aalborg Hammer 7:04 Fri May 20 Clever , ag ! :-)"
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 03 Jun 2022, 11:54
by Matthew Holmes
"Lester Piggott's funeral is on Wednesday ""쬆starting at twenty to one."
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 20 May 2022, 19:04
by Aalborg Hammer
Imagine the fallout if Cher married Mark Noble.
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 20 May 2022, 17:19
by Willtell
"A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess. Because her jacket is folded neatly beside her he can't see any logos so he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto : 'To Fly. To Serve'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries a third time, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: 'Going beyond expectations'. The woman looks at him sternly and says: 'What the fuck do you want?' 'Ah ha!' he says, ""Ryanair""."
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 20 May 2022, 14:56
by ted fenton
A Sure Cure For Sea Sickness Is To Sit Under A Tree. Spike Milligan.
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 19 May 2022, 14:03
by Alfs
"""My wife hasn't spoken to me for three weeks"". ""Why's that?"" ""I don't like to interrupt her"". Rodney Dangerfield"
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 19 May 2022, 13:26
by penners28
"Bloke with a stutter goes up to the bar ""Ccccan IIIII hhave a ppint of lllllllager please""ù The barman goes ""Oooooooof ccccccourse sssssir""ù Man: ""are are are yyyyou ttttaking the piss?""ù Barman: ""ccccourse nnnnnot""ù The man walks away and sits down The next person in line then gets served, and he's some posh bloke ""Good afternoon my good man. Can one have a pint of your finest ale please""ù The barman goes ""Of course, one would only be too happy to oblige""ù Man with the stutter walks back to the bar and goes ""Oi oi oi yyyyyyou cccccunt! Iiiiiii thought yyyyou said yyyyyou wwwwere not tttttaking the piss ooooout ooof me?!""ù And the barman goes ""IIIII wwwwasnt? IIIII wwwwaaas tttttaking the piss ooooout of hhhhhhim!!""ù"
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 18 May 2022, 21:30
by The Stoat
Fucking Hilarious https://www.westhamzone.com/transfers/liverpool-could-offer-alex-oxlade-chamberlain-in-swap-deal-for-west-ham-ace-jarrod-bowen/
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 16 May 2022, 17:09
by Helmut Shown
"There's two fat chav girls walking through a park. One of them says ""I'm busting for a slash"" The other one says ""We're just coming up to the bridge over the boating lake, why don't you hang your arse over the parapet and go there?"" The first chav agrees and starts to pee. From underneath her she hears somebody shout at her. ""Oi you've just pissed in my canoe"" She shouts back to him ""I'm so sorry I thought it was my reflection"""
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 16 May 2022, 15:42
by epsom
"Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behaviour. So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender: -Is Crimea ours? -Yes, it is. -And the Donbas? -Also ours. -And Kyiv? -We got that too. Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks: -Thanks, how much do I owe you? -5 euros."
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 15 May 2022, 12:08
by ted fenton
"The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked, ""Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"" Maria: ""Well, Se√±ora, there are tree rezons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you."" Wife: ""Who said you iron better than me?""ù Maria: ""Jor huzban he say so.""ù Wife: ""Oh yeah?""ù Maria: ""The second rezon eez that I am better cook than you.""ù Wife: ""Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?""ù Maria: ""Jor hozban did""ù Wife increasingly agitated: ""Oh he did, did he?""ù Maria: ""The third rezon is that I am better at sex than you."" Wife, really boiling mad and through gritted teeth asks, ""And did my husband say that as well?""ù Maria: ""No Se√±ora""¶ The gardener did.""ù Wife: ""So how much do you want?""ù"
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 13 May 2022, 20:48
by The Stoat
"She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, ""You've got to make love to me this very moment!"" My eyes lit up and I thought, ""I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, ""Thanks,"" and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, ""What was that all about?"" She explained, ""The egg timer's broken."""
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 09 May 2022, 12:53
by ted fenton
"This has to be one of my all time favourites..... A little girl was standing at her front gate while her little fat puppy ran around the garden. The local vicar was walking past and noticed how pretty the little girl looked in her white cotton summer dress. He leaned on the gate to speak to her and said, ""That's a pretty dress you have on little girle. What's your name?"" Girl: ""Hello Vicar. My name is Petal"". Vicar: ""Well, well, that's a pretty name too. How did you get a name like that?"" Girl: When my mummy was in hospital waiting for me to be born, a petal floated in through the window and landed on her tummy, so she called me Petal"" Vicar: ""Oh, what a wonderful story. And what is your doggies name?"" Girl: ""His name is Porky"". Vicar: ""I bet he's called Porky because he is fat"" Girl: ""Oh no. It's because he Fucks pigs!"""
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 09 May 2022, 12:28
by Aalborg Hammer
"Bloke goes into a hardware shop and says ""I'd like to buy a dead wasp please "" the man says ""We don't have any"" ""But you've got one in the window """
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 07 May 2022, 17:53
by penners28
"A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. ""You talk?"" he asks. ""Yep"" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, ""So, what's your story?"" The Lab looks up and says, ""Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."" The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. ""Ten dollars"" the guy says. ""Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"" ""Because he's a fucking liar. He's never even been out of the yard."""
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 07 May 2022, 17:08
by Helmut Shown
"A man is walking down the road and he hears ""Mark! Mark!"" . As his name is Mark he looks around to see who is calling him. He walks further along and he hears ""Mark! Mark!"" yet again but this time louder. He goes further and as he is passing the garden of a house he hears "" Mark! Mark! "" he looks over the garden wall and sees a dog with a hare lip."
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 06 May 2022, 23:31
by ted fenton
"A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library. He asked a girl in a university library: ""Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied in a loud voice: ""I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: ""I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded in a loud voice: ""£500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S ROBBERY!"" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy then whispered in her ear: ""I study law: I know how to even things up!"""
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 05 May 2022, 21:03
by Helmut Shown
"A man goes into hospital for a circumcision operation. Whilst he is anesthetized the surgeon gets to work. A slip of the hand and the patient's left testicle is cut off. Fully aware of the repercussions of a medical negligence trial he goes down to the kitchen and gets a silverskin pickled onion and sews it into the patients scrotum. Three months after the operation the patient goes back for a check up. ""Any problems?"" The surgeon asks. The man replies "" Well just one slight thing: every time i eat a cheese sandwich i get an erection"""
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 05 May 2022, 20:43
by Too Much Too Young
ted fenton 8:58 Fri Apr 29 AG Sent that to my MD.
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Posted: 04 May 2022, 17:22
by ted fenton
;-)