West Ham Online

 I was just fired from my job marking exam papers. Can’t understand it, I always gave 110%.

My wife said to me, "I've never seen Gaslight". I replied "Yes you have, we watched it last night".

A man was admitted to the hospital with 25 plastic horses inserted into his rectum. His condition is described as stable.

I went to the hospital with a taxidermist friend.
The doctor asked me "Who's that?"
"A taxidermist," I replied.
The doctor nodded gravely and said "it's good to be prepared."

I told my wife that our neighbour had died.
She said "Who, Ray?"
"Celebrating seems a little callous", I replied.

I remember some years ago, Ulrika Johnson, was charged with an act of gross  indecency, masturbating in public with a mobile phone. A police spokesman commented, "yes, that's not the first time, she's been caught with an Eriksson inside her..."