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"""You'll have to take that off,"" the boss said, pointing at my giant 'Birthday Boy' badge. ""Oh, come on"" I pleaded, ""I promised my little girl I'd wear it all day!"" ""We're going to be late, so just take the bloody thing off,"" he insisted, ""and help me load the coffin."""

"A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. ""Nurse,"" he mumbles from behind the mask, ""Are my testicles black?"" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ""I don't know, Sir.. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."" He struggles to ask again, ""Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, ""There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."" The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, ""Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely: ""Are - my - test - results ""ì back?"

"Last Wishes Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London. He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak: ""My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."" ""My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end."" ""My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City."" ""Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames ."" The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of his holdings. As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife, ""Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property""¶""¶""¶""¶.. ""Property?""ù, Sarah Smith replies. ""The arsehole had a window cleaning round."""

"My cousin just started a business making glass coffins, not sure how successful that will be. Remains to be seen."

Cheeky bastard cold caller just rang and asked me if I'd like to donate some of my wife's clothes to the starving I told him to fuck off as if her clothes fitted any of them they were as sure as shit not starving

"Prince Andrew, Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall walk into an Irish bar Barman says ""ònot Yew tree again'"

"An unusual row broke out yesterday as a judge decided on who should have custody of a 15 year-old boy. The judge initially awarded custody to the boy's aunt when the child complained that both his parents regularly beat him. But the boy then informed the court that his aunt also beat him, so the judge changed his decision and gave the grandparents custody. The boy said that they, too, constantly beat him. As domestic violence seemed to be a way of life among the immediate family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to decided who has custody of him. After two recesses during which the judge conferred with legal sources, the judge awarded temporary custody to Arsenal FC, whom the boy said have little chance of beating anyone this season."

Bungo ;-)

The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that 6 out of 10 people

"A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears; "" You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side You know what?""ù ""What dear?""ù she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ""ùI think you're bad luck.""ù"

So much has changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant. My name My number My address

So Bernard Mendy is accused of rape? The amount of fouls he commits shows he doesn't mind getting his tackle in illegally...

"My mate has a permanently furrowed brow, but that's normal for his condition. He's got frown syndrome."

"Three women meet for lunch One is engaged, one is a mistress, and the last one had been married for over 20 years. They chatted about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. The engaged woman : The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all nightlong. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. Then the married woman: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he saw he just said ""Hi,Batman,what's for dinner ?"""

"My mate at work has a stutter. Last night he was telling us about his Nana, by the time he had finished we were all singing Hey Jude"

"I was in town earlier. There was a couple of lads busking, playing ABBA songs really loud, so loud I could hear the drums from Nando's"

My Mrs just chucked a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me Luckily my injuries are only Super Fish Oil

"I had a shock today, I was diagnosed as colour blind. That came right out of the orange!!!"

Knock knock

The Olympic Sailing results are in: Australia took the Gold England took the Silver Somalia took the Boat

Q. Why did the sperm cross the road? A. Because I put the wrong sock on this morning

"At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, ""I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"" ""Good question."" noted the Rabbi. ""We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."" ""Oh!"" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. ""What about all these biscuit purchases. What do you do with the crumbs?"" ""Ah, yes."" replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. ""We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."" ""I see."" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. ""Well, Rabbi,"" he went on, ""what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"" ""Here, too, we do not waste."" answered the Rabbi. ""What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."""

"There's 4 SAS soldiers - one Scots,one Welsh ,one Irish and an Englishman. They get captured by the Taliban and sentenced to death. They have one last request.The Scotsman wants to hear the Coldstream Guards on bagpipes with the Proclaimers singing Flower of Scotland. The Welshman wants to hear Charlotte Church singing Men Of Harlech backed by a Welsh male voice choir The Irishman wants to hear Danny Boy sung by Daniel O'Donnell The Englishman says""Shoot me first"""

I hate having Bi-Polar Disease. Its Brilliant.

One for your kids What did the lion say to the lion in front of him who was walking too slowly MUFASSA