West Ham Online

Usual rules apply

The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that 6 out of 10 people

"A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears; "" You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side You know what?""ù ""What dear?""ù she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ""ùI think you're bad luck.""ù"

So much has changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant. My name My number My address

So Bernard Mendy is accused of rape? The amount of fouls he commits shows he doesn't mind getting his tackle in illegally...

"My mate has a permanently furrowed brow, but that's normal for his condition. He's got frown syndrome."

"Three women meet for lunch One is engaged, one is a mistress, and the last one had been married for over 20 years. They chatted about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. The engaged woman : The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all nightlong. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. Then the married woman: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he saw he just said ""Hi,Batman,what's for dinner ?"""

"My mate at work has a stutter. Last night he was telling us about his Nana, by the time he had finished we were all singing Hey Jude"

"I was in town earlier. There was a couple of lads busking, playing ABBA songs really loud, so loud I could hear the drums from Nando's"

My Mrs just chucked a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me Luckily my injuries are only Super Fish Oil

"I had a shock today, I was diagnosed as colour blind. That came right out of the orange!!!"

Knock knock

The Olympic Sailing results are in: Australia took the Gold England took the Silver Somalia took the Boat

Q. Why did the sperm cross the road? A. Because I put the wrong sock on this morning

"At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, ""I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"" ""Good question."" noted the Rabbi. ""We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."" ""Oh!"" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. ""What about all these biscuit purchases. What do you do with the crumbs?"" ""Ah, yes."" replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. ""We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."" ""I see."" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. ""Well, Rabbi,"" he went on, ""what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"" ""Here, too, we do not waste."" answered the Rabbi. ""What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."""

"There's 4 SAS soldiers - one Scots,one Welsh ,one Irish and an Englishman. They get captured by the Taliban and sentenced to death. They have one last request.The Scotsman wants to hear the Coldstream Guards on bagpipes with the Proclaimers singing Flower of Scotland. The Welshman wants to hear Charlotte Church singing Men Of Harlech backed by a Welsh male voice choir The Irishman wants to hear Danny Boy sung by Daniel O'Donnell The Englishman says""Shoot me first"""

I hate having Bi-Polar Disease. Its Brilliant.

One for your kids What did the lion say to the lion in front of him who was walking too slowly MUFASSA

How do you make a nun pregnant? Fuck her.

Two sausages and an egg are in a frying pan and the egg says 'fucking hell it's hot in here ain't it'? One sausage turns to the other and screams 'JESUS CHRIST- A TALKING EGG!' Sorry.

Aalborg Hammer 12:44 Sat Jul 10 Was that meant for the Priti Patel thread?

"If you're always organising things, you have OCD. If you're always eating things, you have OBCD."

"An eskimo is having problems with his pick up truck so he takes it to the garage. The mechanic says he's busy for a while but tells the eskimo to leave it with him and go and get something to eat and come back later. The eskimo returns and the mechanic says ""Looks like you've blown a seal"" The eskimo says ""No it must be mayonnaise off my chicken sandwich"""

Sorry-wrong thread -silly old sod

Lovely giblets

"Our father, who art in Wembley, Southgate be thy name. The cup will come, Kane's work will be done, in London as it was in Rome Give us this day our daily pint And forgive Sterling's offside trespasses, as we forgive those who bet against us. And lead us not into under-achievement. But deliver us the title. For football's coming home. The history and the glory. Forever and ever. Our men."