West Ham Online

Usual rules apply

"I think i have got football on the brain. Two burglars broke into my back garden last night and started nicking things and I was leaning out of the window singing ""Don't take me Gnome, please don't take me Gnome"""

"Regarding tonight's match, I've got to be honest. I've not been this nervous about a semi since the time I watched Brokeback Mountain!"

"A woman calls the plumber in late Saturday night for a leaky pipe. He's getting ready to leave and says ""That'll be £120 please ,madam"" She checks her purse and finds she has only £105 She lifts her skirt up and says ""Can we come to an ,erm,arrangement,perhaps?"" The plumber unzips his overalls and he's hung like a donkey.She gets quite excited. He starts to put tape around it 6"" from the end. ""What are you doing that for?"" she says He says ""you don't think you're getting all of that for 15 quid ,do you?"" |"

"Very good. That one does indeed, hit the spot."

"When my Indian girlfriend asked me to give her a facial, I nearly came on the spot"

Congratulations to Billy Gilmore for getting his team Scotland their first positive result in a major tournament.

"Yes It's Old But I Love IT ;-) Absolutely disgusting behaviour on Clacton beach about an hour ago !!!! I saw a man & a woman having an almighty argument in front of some young kids when suddenly she smacked the bloke on the head & it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl & someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own & took his baton to the bloke, the guy managed to snatch it off him & started whacking the copper AND his wife. I couldn't believe what l was seeing. Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up & stole all the sausages!"

Mystery card on valentines day. Good Mystery card on fathers day. Bad

"If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' would suffice. None of this ""How the fuck did you get into my house"" business."

Wales are unbeaten since Ryan Giggs left. Just like his wife.

Portugal completed 850 passes on Tuesday. The only way Scotland could achieve this is if they put John McGinn on mastermind

I phoned a child abuse line the other day. The kid at the other end of the line told me to fuck off.

"Joe, did you not read the title of this thread?"

"A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the golf ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, ""If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."" The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, ""Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"" The woman said, ""That's okay."" For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, ""You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to"". The woman replied, ""That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."" So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, ""That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."" The woman said, ""That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."" So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, ""I'd like a mild heart attack."" Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. üòÇ Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women just never listen !"

Took me a couple of minutes Aalborg ! Funny!

"A lot of blokes have nicknames for their penises and I was recently given a nickname for mine. It was by a woman while she was giving me a blowjob. She named it the Impaler, at least that's what I thought. Turns out she was asthmatic and it's my fault she died."

"Doctors treating Inter Milan midfielder Christian Eriksen have said he will never be able to play top level football again. So, a return to spurs is definitely on then."

"Just heard that Harry Kane has visited Christian Ericksen in Hospital. ""He's just managing to string some words together now, so he's making good progress"" said Ericksen. swt."

It's 'Caribbean Hair Day' at work tomorrow. I'm dreading it.

Aalborg & Ted Ag ag ag ag...

I went to the shop the other day to get some tablets for the dishwasher. She had a bad headache and needed paracetamol.

Someone keeps sending me bunches of flowers with their heads pulled off...I think I'm being stalked

"My Muslim neighbour said to me ""I saw into the future in my dream. I saw a banner over Buckingham Palace which made everybody in London happy"" ""What did it say?"" ""Allahu Akbar!"" he bellowed. ""Well Mohammed, in my dream I saw the Mecca of the future. And there was a banner flying which made all of the people there happy."" ""What did it say?"" he asked. ""Dunno mate, I can't speak Hebrew!"" I answered."

"Man went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. They wake up one morning and the mother-in-law is missing. They find her in the back garden, face-to-face with a tiger. The wife says ""We have to do something! What should we do?"" He goes, ""Listen, that tiger got itself into that position and he can find his own damn way out of it."""

What have Yoko Ono and Somalians got in common? Both live off dead Beatles