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GANK

He was just 'pushing on' to see what she would say...

It's called the 'presumptive challenge'... 

PS ...but thanks for being a pedantic arsehole
 

COOL HAND LUKE" wrote: ↑28 May 2025, 11:42 Bloke is on his death bed, and he asks his wife "I have to know before I die - have you ever cheated on me?"
"Erm, well yes" she says, but there were good reasons why I did it. "Tell me", he said.
​​​​"Well, that time we needed the new home loan and nobody was listening... I went out that night and hooked up with the mortgage man, and the next day, we got our loan!"
"Then there was the time you needed that life-saving operation, but it wasn't covered by the NHS... I hooked up with the surgeon who agreed to treat you for free!"
"Okay, I forgive you for those, you were looking out for us", said the man. "But what about the third time..?"

"Well", she said, "do you remember when you were in the running for president of your golf club, and you needed 17 more votes... ... ..." 

 

Bloke is on his death bed, and he asks his wife "I have to know before I die - have you ever cheated on me?"
"Erm, well yes" she says, but there were good reasons why I did it. "Tell me", he said.
​​​​"Well, that time we needed the new home loan and nobody was listening... I went out that night and hooked up with the mortgage man, and the next day, we got our loan!"
"Then there was the time you needed that life-saving operation, but it wasn't covered by the NHS... I hooked up with the surgeon who agreed to treat you for free!"
"Okay, I forgive you for those, you were looking out for us", said the man. "But what about the third time..?"

"Well", she said, "do you remember when you were in the running for president of your golf club, and you needed 17 more votes... ... ..." 
 

A priest is driving home and he spots a dead pig in the road. He stops to call the police to let them know.

A cocky sergeant takes the call. "Have you read the pig it's last rites yet?" he smirks.

"No", says the priest, "I thought I would inform his next of kin first..."
 

Doctor: I've got bad news and good news
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your cancer has spread. There is no further effective treatment. I have referred you to palliative care and booked you into the local Hospice.
Patient: What's the good news then?
Doctor: See that staff Nurse over there? She gave me a blow job last night.

Teacher: Auspices means with the protection or support of someone or something, especially an organization. Can one of you give an example of a sentence with the word auspices.
Boy at the back: When the 'orse pisses the stable floor gets wet.

Giuseppe lived in a small town in Italy and had done so for 80 years. He was increasingly growing concerned about the disdain he was experiencing from his neighbors and townspeople he'd known his whole life. One day a tourist visiting the town came up to Giuseppe and asked him what was the matter and why everyone seemed to dislike him so much.

He said, "I was a great architect when I was young, and built the chapel, the ampitheater, and all of the aqueducts, but does anyone care? No!"

"Before I was an architect, I was also a doctor. I delivered our Mayor's baby, saved a woman from a deadly snakebite, and discovered a new antibiotic which has helped hundreds of people. Does anyone remember? No!"

"In my spare time I also compose and play music and have written multiple world-renowned concertos. Do you think they care? No!"

Bewildered, the tourist couldn't imagine why the townspeople didn't like him, and asked, "So what's the problem??"

With a sigh, Giuseppe said, "Ahh, but you fuck one goat...."

What's the difference between Roy Rogers and Dale Evans.

Roy Rogers had a prarie hat..................

What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat?

A goldfish mucks about in fountains...
 

In college, our biology teacher had a locked box where we could submit questions that he would read to the class without embarrassing anyone. Someone submitted a question about “what is sperm made of?” and he answered saying it’s primarily made of protein and sugars.

Without thinking, a girl at the back of the class asked “then why does it taste so sour?"
 

My daughter at about age 10 came to me and asked what gay is.

I explained to her that people are normally attracted to the opposite sex but a minority are attracted to the same sex. I told her there is nothing wrong with this and that there is no reason to treat them differently, as to them it is perfectly normal.

She said: " I understand, it's like a poof."

Bloke goes into the police station... "I want to report an incident - this morning, as I was walking my dog along by the railway, I rescued a woman off the tracks!"
Constable behind the desk says, "Wow, that's very public spirited of you." "Yes" says fella grins and winks "bit of alright she was too, I must say."

Constable smirks, "Well, I expect you got your 'reward' then Sir, eh?" "You bet" says the man, "between you and I, for the next hour I had some of the sex I've ever had!"
Constable leans in and whispers conspiratorially, "You lucky bastard, Sir, I bet you got a wonderful blow-job as well, didn't you?"

"Nah" says the man... "I couldn't find her head..." 
 

One is weasel faced the other is faecal waste??

What is the difference between David Lammy and shit?

Buggered if I know

I hear the Pope is lying face down in state in an open coffin. So that when Trump arrives he can kiss his ring

Q. What is t he difference between Donald Trump and a sack of shit

A. The sack

What's the difference between a Charles Dicken novel, and a book about a woman that sold her breasts for transplant.

One is the Tale of Two Cities
The other is The Sale of Two Titties

Night Manager at a country hotel sees a man go out with his fishing gear every morning and come back at night for five nights. 

He looks at the register and finds he is in the honeymoon suite.

On his return he asks the man why, since he's on honeymoon why isn't he staying with the wife and giving her one.

"Can't," he replied "She's got Gonorrhoea."

"Can't  you go in the back door?"

"No mate she has diarrhoea,"

"Well a blow job then."

"She's got pyorrhea."

"So why the fuck did you bring her."

"For the maggots."

What smells of fish, has two legs and flies?

Tight fitting ladies jeans

What's the difference between an alcoholic and a gay man?

An alcoholic likes bottoms up.........
 

What's the difference between an ice hockey tactician and an old man reminiscing?

The ice hockey tactician thinks of fast pucks
The old man thinks of ...........

Wot's the difference between a James Bond film and a Sullivan/Gold publication
The James Bond film is full of cunning stunts..............

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty pised off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”

Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”

The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was J.D. Vance’s urine.”

Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?”

The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”

So it looks like Gene Hackman’s wife died a week before him . Surely he noticed the washing piling up ? 

Two Irishmen outside a wall of a nudist camp.
One says "Stand on my shoulders and see if you can get a look."
The bloke on the bottom says: "Can you see anything?"
The other said: " I can see a few people walking around."
"Are they men or women?"
The man on top replies: "I'll be focked if I know, they aint got no clothes on."