West Ham Online

I was once  told by a bloke who was going to Cairo that he was going to see the pyramids and the SPHINCTER

I was also told by someone that David Attenborough is the world's most respected NATURIST.

Once took my little niece to a McDonalds drive-thru and told her to tell the lady in the speaker what she wanted to order, "I want a chicken n***** happy meal, please" .... Surprisingly we got served in the end and wasn't banned for life.

My daughter asked my seven year old grandson if he had seen the cat. He replied "I think he is in the Tiddly Room?" She said "where is that?" , " In there" he said. "Oh you mean the Utility Room"

Gibson wrote: ↑15 Nov 2024, 11:52 My next door neighbour once told me she was in a catch 99 situation

My next door neighbour once told me she was in a catch 99 situation

I was once told by my wife's aunt: "If my granddaughter doesn't have her baby by Monday she is going to be seduced" I told her it was a bit late for that.
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I laughed when my ypoungest boy a young teen at the time said GAP stood for Gay And Proud. 

Ag x 4 love it

When I worked in catering a bloke told me to keep adding thr oil (to the mayonaise) until it gets to the right constituency

A couple of days ago mrs oi was complaining that she had to write a report at work and was too busy getting on with her job. I suggested she should use AI. Yesterday she told he she was happy she'd knocked out the report really quickly because she'd used 'that CGI' I'd suggested.
 

During the last episode of Just Stop Oil incidents, my 9 year old daughter said to me, "Dad, what do protestitutes do?"
Alarmed, I thought, oh no, here we go. This will be a difficult chat. I buffered it with, "Why? What do you mean?"
She said "Why are they sticking themselves to the roads?"
"Ah, you mean, protestors?"
Phew. 

One of my nieces when a lot younger and just learning to talk, liked Cliff Richard - only she called him Biff Pilchard.

That cat was the best fuck I ever had

Also, when my daughter was little she referred to M&S as "Marks 'n' Spensive"

It stuck.

Hammer and Pickle" wrote: ↑14 Nov 2024, 17:06 My mother once recommended a dash of honey when baking aborigines 

Back in the 1970's I worked for Ford Motor Co. There was a manager there who was the king of malaprops. Not sure it wasn't done deliberately to draw attention to his contribution at overly long boring meetings. He made so many of them that we started to keep a note book of them. Among those I remember.

"Another feather to his bow"
"It's all water under the stream"
"As dead as a doormouse"
 

, wrote: ↑14 Nov 2024, 17:06 I was interviewing people for a job vacancy along with a German colleague. Discussing afterwards who we should put on our shortlist my colleague rejected one candidate on the grounds that when answering several questions he went off on a tandem.

 

I was interviewing people for a job vacancy along with a German colleague. Discussing afterwards who we should put on our shortlist my colleague rejected one candidate on the grounds that when answering several questions he went off on a tandem.

My mother once recommended a dash of honey when baking aborigines 

We were on holiday in Clacton during the 1976 heatwave. It had been all over the news that there were Portuguese man o' war jellyfish in the waters along the coast where people were bathing. It was kind of a big deal, news-wise. My mum took me to the beach and I was paddling while she was chatting to some people she had met on the beach. I came bounding up to her in a bit of a panic shouting that I had seen a jellyfish (probably a carrier bag or something). My sceptical mum chortled and I insisted "I know it was a jellyfish - it had really long testicles!" 

Did she tell him he was a twat and give him a clear round the ringhole?

I once heard someone having a row with their mrs and offering to take a ‘lie detective’ text

not quite a malapropism but once during a work meeting, a woman stopped me mid flow to angrily tell me of for saying our "chink in the armour"

"Pre Madonna" is one that props up on here now and again.

But how can Jackie decide? He’s merely an ostrich. And we all know how bad their decision making is. He’ll just bury his head in the sand.