THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"So it's a really hot humid day and a bloke's Farmers are playing up..really itchy and irritating. He rings the NHS helpline and they tell him to get some cold wet used teabags,put them in the fridge before cramming them up his crack and then see the doctor first thing in the morning. They do soothe the itching for a while but ,to the blokes horror, the teabags burst overnight. Next morning, he's leaning on the doctors' surgery door, panic stricken. The doctor puts his white coat and latex gloves on before telling him to relax and bend over. ""What do you think, Doctor?""ù The doctor says ""ùYou're going to go on a long journey and meet a tall dark stranger""ù"

[Coffee]

I can identify with Pavlov.

[Monk~koknee]

"10thofMay 3:25 Fri Aug 14 Fair point. I saw it in a list of anti-jokes. For some reason it amused me but possibly only in that context. ______________ Pavlov is sitting in a bar enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting ""Shit, I forgot to feed the dog"""

[10thofMay]

"NO SPEAKA DA ENGLISH Two Italian men got on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! ... Two asses, they come together again I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this anymore, ""You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!"", she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"" Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex! I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi .' I bet you're gonna read this again!"

[10thofMay]

"Monk, I liked your first effort but the second was dreadful!"

[Monk~koknee]

"An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey."

[The Joker]

"Not a joke but amusing wrongness nonetheless, Kunt & the gangs's latest - Paperboy http://youtu.be/py6eB-cmH-c"

[The Joker]

"Old but gold. (Well, better than the previous efforts on this version of the joke thread)"

[backpass]

that is an old 70's joke

[Aalborg Hammer]

"This bloke lives in Watford and has never had a girlfriend because of his really smelly feet. They're really bad with the smell of his bare feet peeling wallpaper off of walls""¶that bad. He eventually meets a girl from Brighton ,on-line, who has never had a boyfriend because of her really really bad halitosis (breath) As the relationship gets more serious ,the conversations veer to more intimate subjects and they fall in love. The photos look fine and he decides to take the plunge and proposes to her, still online, and ,flattered, she accepts. Wanting a quick getaway after the wedding, he books the chapel at Gatwick with a honeymoon in Ibiza guaranteed to make his new wife a happy girl. He gets on the Gatwick Express loaded down with Charcoal insoles, Dr.Scholl footsprays, dozens of pairs of new socks ,button up-to- the-knee Doc Martens and every foot care product he could think of. She's on the train at Brighton with Fisherman's Friend lozenges, Gold Spot breath spray, Trebor Extra Strong mints and umpteen other medicaments guaranteed to ward off evil smells. The wedding goes off without a hitch (!) and they set off for sun, sand and romance ! They get to their hotel and they both realise that things aren't going well.She's running low on mints etc and her extra sensitive taste buds are on high alert""¶she's starting to pong a bit. He's also running short of supplies, so, clutching their Berlitz guides, they set off in separate directions to find a chemist. They both have no luck at all and they realise that they've got to own up. He gets back to the hotel suite and finds his bride crying her eyes out. ""What's up, darling?""ù he says ""I've *snivel* got something to tell you *snivel*""ù ""So have I""ù he says and grabs her and gives her a long ""ìtongue tickling tonsils-snog and pulls away. He looks into her eyes ""ì twin pools of moonlight - and says ""You've eaten one my f**king socks, haven't you??""ù"

[penners28]

"Shaqiri asked when he's going to make his debut his reply ""whenever, wherever"""

[BigDad]

"An oldie, but a goodie ... A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress. ""You can't wear white."", reminds the sales clerk, ""You've been married three times already."" ""Of course I can, I'm a virgin!"", says the bride. ""Impossible"", says the sales assistant. ""Unfortunately not"", the bride explained. ""My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him"""

[BigDad]

"A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. After she became conscious the guy asked: ""I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?"" The girl said: ""You told me it was just like a baby"". The guy replied: ""Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches""."

[Monk~koknee]

"An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. ""¶ After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, ""You fellas ought to know your limits.""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Paddy is doing a crossword. He says to Murphy ""I'm stuck on 2 down""¶Flightless bird from Iceland,(6,7)""ù Murphy thinks for a moment ""Dat's easy - Frozen Chicken""ù"

[Helmut Shown]

"A man coming home from a pub three sheets to the wind, is busting for a shit. He goes in someone's garden squats down and craps. He wakes the next morning feeling really guilty so decides to go back and clean up his mess. He sneaks into the garden and starts looking for the offending pile. He can't find it anywhere and starts rustling the shrubs desperately looking for his turd. All of a sudden he hears ""Oi what are you doing in my garden"" He says ""Sorry sir, but a gust of wind blew my hat into your garden and I was looking for it"" The garden owner says ""oh that's alright, I thought you were the dirty bastard who shit on my tortoise last night"""

[joe blob]

"Man goes to a problem page online stating he has a very small penis and has never had sex as a consequence. A madam reads the page and invites him to her brothel saying ""I have just the thing."" When he arrives he is shown to a girl who removes her glass eye and tells him to shag the socket. When finished he is overjoyed with the experience, and says he will return next week. She replies: ""OK I'll keep an eye out for you."""

[WHOicidal Maniac]

If thats the future standard of 'jokes' you can bin this thread straight away

[Marston Hammer]

"There were two hedgehogs sitting by the road. The first hedgehog said ""I've got this really cool game we can play"" the hedgehog went into the middle of the road, curled up into a ball and a car drove over him. The hedgehog said ""now its your turn"" ""no way that's to scary"" said the second hedgehog. ""No look, it's really easy"" said the hedgehog as he went into the middle of the road and curled up into a ball and a car drove over him. The first hedgehog said ""look there's a car coming now its your turn"" the second hedgehog plucked up the courage, went into the middle of the road and curled up into a ball. SPLAT. 3 wheeled car."