Jokes Thread

[Bowener]

 I was just fired from my job marking exam papers. Can’t understand it, I always gave 110%.

[smartypants]

It was hard getting over my addiction to the hokey cokey…. But I turned myself around, and that’s what it’s all about.

[zico]

As a golfer, this did tickle me.

 

[Helmut Shown]

A Millwall supporter goes to the doctors. He tells the doctor he has been feeling unwell for some time. The doctor tells him:
"take off your shirt I'll examine you".
As the bloke takes of his shirt the doctor says:
"do you expect me to examine you like that? Your clothes are filthy".
The man replies:
" I'm sorry doc we have been busy at home"
"OK" the doctor says "Take off the rest of your clothes"
The doctor notices that the man has shit all over his genitalia. He says:
 " Put your clothes back on and come back when you've washed and put clean clothes on, I'm not examining you like that! "
The man returns home and speaks to his wife:
 "Dear, do you ever wash my clothes?"
 She angrily replies: "We've had five kids in the space of four years, I haven't even had time to wipe my arse!"
 " Yes" says the man "that's another thing I want to speak to you about!"

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[joe royal]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

you follow the fresh prints. 

[F 129 Row66]

Burglar in a stately home hears people coming and hides under the bed. It is the Duchess and the Butler George.
He  hears the Duchess say:

"George take off my blouse."

"Now take of my skirt,"

"George, take off my bra,"

"Now George take off my drawers,"

".....and don't let me catch you wearing my clothes again."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Two priests are driving down the road when a police car pulls them over.The priest who is driving lowers his wndow and the policeman says to him, "We're looking for a couple of child molesters."The driver looks at his passenger, who nods, and then turns back to the policeman and says, "We'll do it!"

[Aalborg Hammer]

I went to see Placebo tonight. I was really disappointed. It's my own fault in fairness, I thought they were The Cure.

[F 129 Row66]

Why is somebody who wants to succeed, like a West Indian woman with an unwanted pregnancy?

They both need de termination.

[Helmut Shown]

Q. What is the difference between a priest and Woody from Toy Story

A. Woody goes limp when a child enters the room

[Trilby55]

Why did the sperm cross the road ? 
Because I put the wrong socks on this morning . 

[Mike Oxsaw]

Manchester United have had 3 managers since Manchester City last had a win.

[Mike Oxsaw]

Some of the posts on here are just not funny.

They're no laughing matter, I can tell you.

[Mike Oxsaw]

Snow: the only thing that settles in the UK and doesn't claim benefits.

[Keep dreaming]

What is the smallest a mother can become?

Minimum

[joe royal]

Judge: "This is a very brutal act. If you want the court to reduce your sentence, you'll need to explain the motive behind your action."Man: "She’s so dumb that I just had to kill her."Judge: "What you're saying isn't helping your case at all. If you don’t want the jury to condemn you right away, you should offer at least one mitigating explanation."The man starts talking: "It happened like this. We live in an apartment building. On the first floor, there’s a family with three kids. The problem is that their kids are naturally small—between 80 and 90 cm tall. One day, I came home, and my wife said, 'Something’s wrong with our neighbors. Their kids are real Pyrenees.'I said, 'No, you mean Pygmies.''No,' she said, 'A pygmy is something under your skin that causes freckles.'I said, 'That’s pigment.''No,' she said, 'pigment is what the ancient Romans wrote on.'I said, 'That’s parchment!''No,' she said, 'parchment is when a poet starts something but doesn’t finish it...''Your Honor, you have to appreciate that I held back from mentioning the word fragment. I sat down in my chair and started reading the newspaper. Then she came up to me and said something that made me realize she belonged in a mental institution.'She said, 'Honey, look at this!'She opened a book, pointed to a passage, and said: 'The parasol of the handbag was the teacher of the pimp 15.'I took the book and calmly explained, 'But darling, this is a French book. It says: La Marquise de Pompadour est la Maitresse de Louis XV, which means: "The Marquise de Pompadour was the mistress of Louis XV."''No,' my wife insisted, 'you have to translate it word for word: La Marquise = parasol, Pompadour = handbag, la Maitresse = teacher, Louis XV = pimp 15. And I should know; I hired an excellent legionnaire to teach me French.'I said, 'You mean a lector.''No,' she said, ' Lector was an ancient Greek hero.'I said, 'That was Hector, and he was from Troy.''No,' she said, 'Hector is a unit of area.'I said, 'That’s a hectare!''No,' she said, 'a hectare is a drink of the gods.'I said, 'That’s nectar!''No,' she said, 'Nectar is a river in southern Germany.'I said, 'That’s the Neckar!'Then my wife said, 'You remember that lovely song about the Rhine and the Nectar that we sang as a duo recently?'I said, 'That’s called a duet.''No,' she said, 'a duet is when two men fight with swords.'I said, 'That’s a duel!''No,' she said, 'a duel is a hole in a hill where trains go through.''And at that point, Your Honor, I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed a hammer and beat her to death.'There was a moment of silence. Then the judge stood up and declared the verdict:'Acquitted! I would have killed her at Hector.'"


 

[F 129 Row66]

Terrible news today. My wife has ran off with my best friend.
I will really miss him.

[Mike Oxsaw]

My wife claimed that women were better than men at multi-tasking.

I asked her to sit down and be quiet.

She couldn't do either.

[Helmut Shown]

Q. How do you make 3 Tottenham players fall over in agony?

A. Fart

[Hammer and Pickle]

What’s the difference between being rich and poor, Dad?

Well son, when you’re rich you drink the finest wines known to humanity and get to sleep with beautiful women all the time.

What about being poor then Dad?

Then you drink beer, eat sausage and sleep with your Mum son.

[zico]

My wife called me. Said she was in Casualty.
I went home, put the TV on and watched 6 episodes.
Didn’t see her once.

[Aalborg Hammer]

I've just got off of the phone with Direct Line buying my car insurance.
I gave the fella my card details and he said "Before you go,have you got any pets?"
I said "Yes, I've got a rabbit but it doesn't drive"

[Helmut Shown]

Q. How do you turn a Norwich supporter into a Tottenham supporter?

A. Kick his sister under the chin

[Alfs]

How do you get a Nun pregnant?

You fuck her.

[Leavemyarcelona]

Free betting advice......get your money on lebanon winning the most medals at the 2028 paralympics

[goose]

Joyo and a little girl are walking through the Cambodian forest at night. The girl says, “Mister, I’m scared.” Joyo says, “You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.”