Jokes Thread

[Bowener]

 I was just fired from my job marking exam papers. Can’t understand it, I always gave 110%.

[nychammer]

My Great Grandfather told me he saw the Titanic and from the very beginning he warned all the people that it was going to sink, but nobody would listen.....He as a brave man though and would not give up.....he implored them time and time again and begged them to listen to him.....

.....in the end he got thrown out of the Cinema....

[Aalborg Hammer]

A gecko was strolling through the jungle and a pungent smell hit his nostrils.He looked up see a large baboon up a big baobab tree smoking a large spliff. The baboon invites the little fella to join him.
After a few good tokes the gecko gets a thirst and goes down to the river for a drink .A crocodile swims past and the gecko tells him about the baboon .
"A baboon smoking a spliff?? I have to see this!!" and pulls himself out of the the river - he gets to the bottom of the tree and the baboon takes a large drag and says "Mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!! How much water did you drink??""

[Aalborg Hammer]

My mate.Gordon Morgan had hell of job introducing himself when he was in Germany But not.as much trouble as the other lad Jim Apple had in France.

[joe royal]

A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff…..……….. Ba-dum-tss!

[Russ of the BML]

Two explorers are driving through the African Savannah when their jeep suddenly conks out. They get out and one of them keeps watch while the other pops the bonnet. The steam rises up indicating that the engine has overheated. They have no water to put in the engine and so, being only half a mile from camp, they decide to walk. 

After five minutes they walk through some trees to a clearing and one of them stops. 
"What's wrong?" asks the other. 
"Look" and he points off to the right into a clearing. 

There, 200 yards away, is the biggest, meanest, scariest lion they have ever seen. With scars all over him and drool dripping from his huge fangs. He is staring them down and they know he has targeted them. The lion then, slowly, starts to edge towards them, stalking and watching. With that, the explorer that first spotted the lion, takes off his rucksack and puts it down. He then takes off his boots and pulls out a pair of Nike running trainers. 

"What are you doing?" asks the other explorer, "You can't outrun a lion, even if you are wearing running trainers."

"I know I can't outrun a a lion," he replies calmly, "But I can outrun you."

[BillyJenningsBoots]

Who is going to be the first to  ask David Moyes to come back?

Manchester United,West Ham or Everton?

 

I have to agree with Mike, surely this should either be on the Next Manager or Lopetegui threads... mostly because its in no way funny... you dont seem to understand the structural elements of a joke..  for example there doesnt seem to be a punchline... rather than "Manchester United,West Ham or Everton" a funnier line might be : Ive heard Lopetegui wants to offer him the job!?!

Baddum tish!

Go buy yourself a sense if humour 

Now I'm not sure if its your ability to read and write that are the issue or your powers of perception but its definitely you that doesn't have a sense of humour not me.... 

[XKhammer]

Who is going to be the first to  ask David Moyes to come back?

Manchester United,West Ham or Everton?

 

I have to agree with Mike, surely this should either be on the Next Manager or Lopetegui threads... mostly because its in no way funny... you dont seem to understand the structural elements of a joke..  for example there doesnt seem to be a punchline... rather than "Manchester United,West Ham or Everton" a funnier line might be : Ive heard Lopetegui wants to offer him the job!?!

Baddum tish!

Go buy yourself a sense if humour 

[Mike Oxsaw]

Interesting interpretation on the purpose of the thread: traditionally the joke is the post, not the poster. Good Darts!

Troll and stalk me somewhere else you unfunny gout tridden brass bonking horrible old fart 

YOU (believe that YOU) are being trolled & stalked?

Now THAT is a proper joke.

[Ladysmith]

Who is going to be the first to  ask David Moyes to come back?

Manchester United,West Ham or Everton?

 

I have to agree with Mike, surely this should either be on the Next Manager or Lopetegui threads... mostly because its in no way funny... you dont seem to understand the structural elements of a joke..  for example there doesnt seem to be a punchline... rather than "Manchester United,West Ham or Everton" a funnier line might be : Ive heard Lopetegui wants to offer him the job!?!

Baddum tish!

[BillyJenningsBoots]

Who is going to be the first to  ask David Moyes to come back?

Manchester United,West Ham or Everton?

 

 

I have to agree with Mike, surely this should either be on the Next Manager or Lopetegui threads... mostly because its in no way funny... you dont seem to understand the structural elements of a joke..  for example there doesnt seem to be a punchline... rather than "Manchester United,West Ham or Everton" a funnier line might be : Ive heard Lopetegui wants to offer him the job!?!

Baddum tish!

[XKhammer]

Interesting interpretation on the purpose of the thread: traditionally the joke is the post, not the poster. Good Darts!

Troll and stalk me somewhere else you unfunny gout tridden brass bonking horrible old fart 

[Mike Oxsaw]

Interesting interpretation on the purpose of the thread: traditionally the joke is the post, not the poster. Good Darts!

[XKhammer]

Who is going to be the first to  ask David Moyes to come back?

Manchester United,West Ham or Everton?

[nychammer]

Me and the misses bought a dog from our local blacksmiths who happens to have a side line business in breeding dogs.

Lively thing tho, no sooner we got it home it made a bolt for the door!

[smartypants]

It was hard getting over my addiction to the hokey cokey…. But I turned myself around, and that’s what it’s all about.

[zico]

As a golfer, this did tickle me.

 

[Helmut Shown]

A Millwall supporter goes to the doctors. He tells the doctor he has been feeling unwell for some time. The doctor tells him:
"take off your shirt I'll examine you".
As the bloke takes of his shirt the doctor says:
"do you expect me to examine you like that? Your clothes are filthy".
The man replies:
" I'm sorry doc we have been busy at home"
"OK" the doctor says "Take off the rest of your clothes"
The doctor notices that the man has shit all over his genitalia. He says:
 " Put your clothes back on and come back when you've washed and put clean clothes on, I'm not examining you like that! "
The man returns home and speaks to his wife:
 "Dear, do you ever wash my clothes?"
 She angrily replies: "We've had five kids in the space of four years, I haven't even had time to wipe my arse!"
 " Yes" says the man "that's another thing I want to speak to you about!"

​​​​

​

[joe royal]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

you follow the fresh prints. 

[F 129 Row66]

Burglar in a stately home hears people coming and hides under the bed. It is the Duchess and the Butler George.
He  hears the Duchess say:

"George take off my blouse."

"Now take of my skirt,"

"George, take off my bra,"

"Now George take off my drawers,"

".....and don't let me catch you wearing my clothes again."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Two priests are driving down the road when a police car pulls them over.The priest who is driving lowers his wndow and the policeman says to him, "We're looking for a couple of child molesters."The driver looks at his passenger, who nods, and then turns back to the policeman and says, "We'll do it!"

[Aalborg Hammer]

I went to see Placebo tonight. I was really disappointed. It's my own fault in fairness, I thought they were The Cure.

[F 129 Row66]

Why is somebody who wants to succeed, like a West Indian woman with an unwanted pregnancy?

They both need de termination.

[Helmut Shown]

Q. What is the difference between a priest and Woody from Toy Story

A. Woody goes limp when a child enters the room

[Trilby55]

Why did the sperm cross the road ? 
Because I put the wrong socks on this morning . 

[Mike Oxsaw]

Manchester United have had 3 managers since Manchester City last had a win.