THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Mr Anon]

"When for a job at a Blacksmith's the other day, he asked me if I've ever shoed a horse, I said no but I've told a duck to fuck off."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"spaghetti hoops - alphabeti spaghetti for the dyslexic. Dog, I love this inclusive society, me."

[Nobody]

THE joke threads (part 5) The joke is on Nobody... Nobody laughed... Nobody lived to laugh either...

[Aalborg Hammer]

"About a month before my grandfather died we started covering his back with lard.After that,he went downhill very quickly."

[Noah]

"A cowboy rides into a Western town and finds it deserted. He hitches his horse to the rail outside the saloon and goes in. The barman is polishing glasses behind the bar. ""Hi""ù says the cowboy ""mighty quiet in town""ù ""Yup""ù says the barman ""Everybody's at the hanging""ù ""The hanging?""ù says the cowboy ""Who they hanging?""ù ""They're hanging Brown Paper Pete""ù Said the barman ""Oh, why do you call him that?""ù ""Well""ù Said the barman, ""His shirt is made of brown paper, this chaps are made of brown paper, and his favourite hat is made of brown paper""ù ""I see!""ù Said the cowboy ""What are they hanging him for?""ù ""¶ ""Rustling""ù"

[lab]

"Two dyslexics about to descend down a mountain, one asks ..do we zig zag or zag zig down the mountain ? The other isn't sure . Just then they see a bloke pulling a sledge and about to set off . Excuse me ..do we zig zag or zag zig down the mountain ? ""¶.Don't ask me I'm just a tobogganist ""¶..oh that's handy we' ll have two packets of Benson and Hedges ."

[arsene york-hunt]

"Irish builder goes to a doctor complaining of constipation. The doctor decides on a PR examination after which he asks the builder if he has any tools. The builder goes to his van and brings back a pick. The doctor bends him over a table and gives one strike of the pick in the gluteal cleft. Formed and unformed malodourous faeces comes pouring out and onto the floor. ""In future don't wipe your arse with the cement bags"" Said the Doctor"

[Helmut Shown]

"Two blokes working in a morgue. One says to the other ""That woman they just brought in has a prawn hanging out of her vagina""ù The other one says ""Don't be a prat, that's her clitoris""ù The first bloke replies ""Well it sure tastes like a prawn""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: ""That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."" ""That's just simple thievery,"" the Irishman replied. ""I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."" The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: ""Sir, I want to show you a magic trick."" The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: ""Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?"" The Irishman then said: ""Look in the English fella's pockets."""

[joyo]

Why are Oxbore's dentures like the moon? Because they come out at night

[arsene york-hunt]

"A man goes into a brothel and says he wants something really kinky. He is shown into a room with an ostrich, and spends the next twenty minutes struggling and eventually fucking it, He thanks the receptionist and says he'll be back next week. The following week he is told they were very busy and was asked to go in a waiting room, in which there was a two , way mirror, which had two lesbians using a strap on cock on each other. He says to the man next him ""This is good isn't it."" The man said: ""You should have been here last week, we had a bloke shagging an ostrich."""

[Helmut Shown]

"I got a knock on the door the other day A man stood there and said ""I'm from Littlewoods"" ""I haven't won the pools have I?"" I exclaimed ""No we've caught your missus shoplifting"" he replied"

[arsene york-hunt]

"A man goes into a big brothel. He pays the entry fee and is shown into a room that has two doors marked BIG GIRLS, SMALL GIRLS. He then goes through the BIG GIRLS door. In the next room the doors are marked BIG TITS, SMALL TITS. He then goes through the BIG TITS door. Next room the doors are marked: BIG BUMS, SMALL BUMS. He then goes through the BIG BUMS door. Next room the doors are marked: BIG CUNTS, SMALL CUNTS. He then goes through the BIG CUNTS door, and finished up back in the street."

[arsene york-hunt]

"My daughter loves Michael Jackson, So I told her ""You know he dangled a baby out of the window of a hotel window. She said ""Yeah but he didn't toss him off"" (Period of laughter) ""I'll tell her when she's older"" Roy Chubby Brown Ted Moult shot himself but nobody heard the shot, the windows were closed. Bernard Manning"

[Swiss.]

My mate killed a dolphin. He said he did it on porpoise. I made that up myself :-)

[Chip Shop Charlie]

"The Bathtub Test During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, ""How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Care Home?"" ""Well,"" he said, ""we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."" ""Oh, I understand,"" I said. ""A younger person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup. But it would be too heavy for the elderly - right!"" ""No"" he said. ""A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"""

[Alex G]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You can't say you don't get what's advertised when you watch a Man United match in the ten Has era!

[Chip Shop Charlie]

"A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger, but his head was the size of a grapefruit. The first man said ""Excuse me for staring, but I cant help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but your head is so small?"" The man said ""buy me a drink and I'll tell you."" The drink was ordered and the story began. I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to swim to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for several months and was walking on the beach one day looking for food and when I looked up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and told me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes. That's great I said. I'd like to be rescued. She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island. Next I asked for a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Another slap of the tail and I was built like a Stallion. Then, noticing how beautiful she was and only one wish left, I asked if I could make love to her. She said no it just wouldn't work her being half fish and all, so I said, ""well, how about a little head then?"""

[ray winstone]

"At a funeral a man asks the vicar for the wifi code, the vicar replies 'please have some respect for your late mother', the man says 'is that all lower case'?"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Seeing as there hasn't been an Indian Grand Prix for a while ,the Indian government gathered a 1000 eunuchs together ,selected half as the other weren't fit and they're having a race called the 'Indiaknackerless 500'"

[bell]

"The wife messaged earlier saying that three of the girls in her office all got sent flowers today, and they are gorgeous. That's probably why I said."

[Helmut Shown]

"Quasimodo limps into a pub and says to the barman ""Whisky"" ""Bell's alright?"" Asks the barman Quasimodo replies: "" mind your own fucking business"""

[Helmut Shown]

"A bloke gets drunk and gets thrown out of his local pub. He walks along to another pub and gets talking to the landlord. He then boasts to him that even blindfolded he can tell the animal any skin comes from just by stroking it. The landlord challenges him and tells him if they blindfold him and he guesses what animal the pelt is from he'll give him a pint. He agrees and furthering his boast he also says that he will tell him what weapon killed the beast by examining the hole in the skin He is blindfolded and they bring a pelt for him to stroke. He says ""This skin comes from a leopard and it was killed by a .303 rifle"" The dumbfounded landlord says ""Correct"" and pulls him a pint. Next up they give him another pelt he strokes it and says ""this is a warthog and it was killed with an assegai"" ""Correct again"" says the landlord and pours him another pint. This goes on all night and he gets none of the tests wrong. He stumbles out of the pub pissed as a newt. When he wakes up in the morning with a monumental hangover he looks in the mirror and notices he has a black eye and no idea how he got it. He says to his wife ""Did I come home with a black eye last night?"" "" No"" she replies ""I gave it to you. You got into bed last night and shoved your hand in my knickers and said ""Skunk and it was killed with a meat cleaver"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

I've just seen Jamie Oliver making a salad with watercress and lollo rosso.I'm not sure where his other kids were

[Pee Wee]

"I never thought I'd miss Ted, but even the jokes he Eddie B'd were a better standard than that."