THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[mtchammer]

"Government expected to announce that as from July 4th West Ham players will be permitted to visit other teams penalty areas for short periods providing they pose no threat to the opposition. It hurts, but tbf it is funny. Tweet by well known Millwall fan, Danny Baker."

[Mike Oxsaw]

Rice Krispies - 3 white dudes having fun. Coco Pops - a single monkey with no one to talk to. Kellogs - your throat has my knee's name on it.

[Aalborg Hammer]

They say a womans work is never done. I wonder if that's why they get paid less.

[lab]

Lol x 2

[geoffpikey]

Haha. * Quack Lives Matter

[Aalborg Hammer]

"So this duck goes into a pub just after opening time and orders and pie and a pint. The landlord says ""We don't get many ducks in here,are you local?""ù The duck says ""No,I've just started work on the building site over the road,new estate going in,should be here for a while""ù So,the duck appears at the same time every day and orders a pie and a pint. One hot summers afternoon,a man turns up wearing a top hat,tail coat and holding a bullwhip. ""Two pints of cold lager please-that's thirsty work""ù ""What's that then?""ùsays the landlord ""We've just put up the Big top,the circus is in town for a week or two""ù ""Circus,you say?? I have a talking duck come in here every lunchtime""ù ""A talking duck?That's unusual ""ì here's my card,get him to give me a call""ù Next day,the duck comes in ""Pie and a pint""ù ""Talking about you yesterday with the ringmaster of the circus,it's in town for a while.He seemed to think he could some work yor way""ù ""A circus ?? Trapeze acts,clowns and lion tamers??""ù ""Yes""ù ""What the fuck would a circus want with a plasterer?""ù"

[boleyn8420]

Oh and speaking of the Americans why do they call it eggplant when all of the rest of us call it chicken

[boleyn8420]

"America is having a hard time of it at the present, it's almost like its built on an old Indian burial ground or something"

[Mike Oxsaw]

You can tell the Kings Cross...

[joyo]

I can't STANMORE of these jokes and if l do I'll nut someone on the TEMPLE

[Jim C]

You can Bank on the applause!

[the coming of gary]

did the commuters clapham ? .

[The Stoat]

A man who has trained his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground said he went from Barking to Tooting in just over an hour

[ted fenton]

"THE APPLICATION OF THE WORD ""BOLLOCKS"" FOR THE NON - BRITS .......... THE ( DOG'S ) BOLLOCKS - BRILLIANT/THE BEST BOLLOCKS - SHIT UTTER BOLLOCKS - LIES BOLLOCKING - STRONG REPRIMAND STARK BOLLOCK NAKED - NUDE BOLLOCKS TO IT - I SHALL IGNORE IT"

[Queens Fish Bar]

"At Confession: ""Bless me Father for I have sinned. My boyfriend shagged me seven times last night""ù ""You must go home and suck the juice from seven lemons""ù ""Will that absolve me?""ù ""No but it'll take that smug look off your face""ù."

[Jasnik]

I thought I had corona virus as people said you lose your sense of taste. Then I realised I was OK as it was only the salmon kipper tie I was wearing.

[Lee Trundle]

It's awful news that Dele Alli was robbed at knifepoint in his own home. A load of watches and jewelry were nicked but they didn't make it off with any medals.

[Mike Oxsaw]

"After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I know walking by on the pavement outside. I immediately ran to the window and started shouting at them. Now I understand dogs."

[eswing hammer]

"Will Smith has defied stay at home and gone off snowboarding in Canada, he hasn't been seen for 24 hours and with even more snow forecast ,they're gonna look again tomorrow for fresh prints!"

[geoffpikey]

Bad news. The Flat Earth Society are reporting that the 2 metre social distancing measures are pushing some of their members over the edge.

[Westside]

"My grandad had a great life, then died peacefully in his sleep. Unlike his passengers, who died screaming in terror."

[Hermit Road]

"My grandad always used to say: ""you need to be upfront with everybody"" Great bloke, shit goalkeeper"

[147man]

"my grandad always said, ""fight fire with fire."" Lovely man, terrible fireman"

[the coming of gary]

"my grandad always said, ""in the old days you could leave your door open."" Lovely man, terrible submarine captain ."

[mtchammer]

"My grandad always said, ""as one door closes, another one opens."" Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker."