THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Manip]

My pet mouse Elvis died last night. He was caught in a trap. swt

[Manip]

"""Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy"" - Richard Stott ""What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh"" - Milton Jones ""A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'"" - Jake Lambert ""A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it"" - Ross Smith ""Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning"" - Ross Smith ""I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it"" - Adele Cliff ""After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford ""To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian"" - Mark Simmons ""I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts"" - Ivo Graham"

[boleyn8420]

Heard about the man who kept shouting 'brocolli' and cauliflower' Thought he had florets

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Fella comes home and asks his wife if she'd like to play a sex game. ""OK"" she says ""What do I have to do??"" ""I've got flavoured condoms and you have to guess what flavour they are"" She goes down on him and says ""Cheese and onion?"" ""Wait a minute ,I haven't put one on yet"""

[Helmut Shown]

"On the recommendation of a friend, a bloke decides to try a new brothel in town. He goes into reception and is greeted by a young lady who passes him a card. He says: ""What's this then?"" ""It's the menu "" she replies He looks at the card and reads Hand job £10 Blow job £30 Full sex £50 Anal £70 Sundries Coffee £2 Tea £1.50 Cheese sandwich £3 Ham sandwich £3.50 ""Wow"" he exclaims ""Are you the girl that does the hand jobs"" ""Yes"" she replies He looks at the menu and says ""Wash your hands I'll have a cheese sandwich!"""

[lab]

"The inventor of predictive text pissed away yesterday , his funfair is next monkey."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump? Found in your cell, unresponsive."

[Willtell]

I really hate it when your finger pops through the toilet paper when wiping . . . . But apart from that I'm really enjoying my new job in the old peoples home

[Willtell]

"One of my mates reckons the temperature of his testicles is 27 degrees celsius""¶ Absolute bollocks!"

[The_Phantom]

"Aalborg Hammer Your ""òjoke' of 9:03 Fri Aug 9 almost sounds like one you just made up, ""¶but this one - 5:45 Tue Aug 13 is superb"

[Son of Sam]

"A mate of mine has been collecting magazines on Osteopathy for nearly twenty years now. He has lots of back issues,"

[Aalborg Hammer]

My grandparents real names were Nanny Pearl and Grandpa Dean but we just called them Grandma and Grandpapapapapapapapapapa

[lab]

"Husband and wife sit down to dinner in a restaurant . Food arrives. Husband: the food here looks great ,let's eat. Wife: you usually pray before you eat luv . Husband: that's at home luv, the chef here knows how to cook."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Don't think he actually said that, chim..."

[chim chim cha boo]

Jesus. Some of you cunts need to get out more

[Willtell]

Hmmm! Perhaps you needed to be there when he said it....

[ray winstone]

"Jim Bowen. My favourite moment. ""Next up at the ""òockey we've got Hoppy...why'd they call you Hoppy lad?""ù ""Cos I've only got one leg Jim.""ù ""Lovely. Smashing.""ù"

[Briano]

Newcastle United have brought in the DIY SOS team to do up their physio room after signing Andy Carroll

[arsene york-hunt]

I went out with a girl once who told me she was a carpenter. She really enjoyed doing a bit of tongue in groove

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A Sea Cow-shaped Zeppelin, advertising the rock opera ""Tommy"", has just burst into flames and crashed to earth. Oh, The Who manatee!"

[riosleftsock]

"Called in to see my Scottish neighbour last night, I walked in as he was up a ladder stripping wallpaper. ""Alright Jock, spot of decorating?"" ""Moving house""."

[claret50]

"I asked my wife why did she marry me. Wife: ""Because you are funny."" Me: ""I thought it was beacause I was good in bed?"" Wife: ""You see? You're hilarious."""

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

What do you call a Frenchman in sandals Philippe Philoppe

[Exiled In Surrey]

Exiled In Surrey 12:40 Mon Jul 29 Boss: now get out of my office!

[Exiled In Surrey]

Boss: you're fired Me: *slams fist on desk* you woke me up for this?