THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I got caught shoplifting a leg of lamb from our local supermarket. ""What are you doing with that?"" asked the security guard I replied ""new potatoes, peas, mint sauce and gravy would be nice"""

[joe royal]

"A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, ""Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, ""Honey, please...just one more time before I die."" She says, ""Of course, Dear,"" and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. ""Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."" At this point the wife sits up and says, ""Listen, I have to get up in the morning. YOU DON'T!!!"

[Exiled In Ireland]

"I went to the Doctorr as I had a pain in my elbow. Dr said "" You will have to stop masturbating"" I said "" Why"" Dr said "" Because I need to examine you""."

[Bungo]

"Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt God: Killed?! You were supposed to ""thrill""ù them! You know, take them out for a night on the town Angel of Death: But""¶but""¶ God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife. But... After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters. I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking, as it was starting to drag on the ground. So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that, Though rare, my condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective Surgery. ""How long will he be on crutches?"" my wife asked anxiously. ""Crutches? Why would he need crutches?"" responded the surprised doctor. ""Well,"" Said my wife coldly, ""you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings'. Apparently Gollum was once a normal man. But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life. Must be the same ring I put on when I got married"

[Helmut Shown]

"A labourer goes to the doctor and says ""you""ve got to help me I haven't shit for two weeks"" The doctor says ""take your trouser and pants off and bend over the table, I'll examine you"" He looks up his arse and says ""I think I can see the problem, I'll just stick this instrument in your rectum"" All of a sudden there is an explosion of shit covering the doctor and his desk. ""Oh I'm so sorry doc I couldnt help it."" Says the labourer The doctor says ""thats ok, but when you're back on site please don't wipe your arse on old cement bags any more"""

[ray winstone]

"I saw Zaha in town today. I said, Can you sign my shirt? He said, Have you got a pen? I said, Shit, no. Hang on. With that I threw myself on the floor, rolled over theatrically and began to cry. He said, How's that going to get a pen? I said, Well that's how you Fucking do it."

[ray winstone]

"When I realised Margaret Thatcher was dead, I did a double fist pump and shouted, ""Fucking brilliant!"" Everyone around me was disgusted, and looking back, I suppose it was out of order. Especially as I was the first paramedic at the scene............"

[Aalborg Hammer]

How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tits a lot.

[JonWHUFC]

It was so cold at Anfield last night that the Scousers had to put their hands in their own pockets!

[Aalborg Hammer]

Not see a scouser this excited over one leg.............. since Paul McCartney met Heather Mills

[Jasnik]

Hey Ted who is this Jay bloke?

[Keep dreaming]

Here's a bad joke David Sullivan

[Keep dreaming]

Lol

[lab]

A skoda .?

[Keep dreaming]

"Lab, what plane has windows you can wind down?"

[lab]

"As the England team get off the plane for the world cup in Russia ...pilot winds the window down ...... ""shall I keep the engine running lads...?"""

[Willtell]

Well you said you were from Pakistani origins. Either way it doesn't matter but it's important to put your anti-British stance into perspective...

[Swiss.]

Willtell I thought I was Banglasheshi? Make your mind up you senile old fool.

[Willtell]

Says the Pakistani pretending to be Swiss...

[Swiss.]

racists

[lab]

"Well it reminds me of the nurse that approaches a white fella with a black baby asking "" could this be yours"".? He replies probably she burns everything else."

[ted fenton]

I know Trevor old but gold :-)

[Trevor B]

Ted that joke must be nearly as old as you!