THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[chim chim cha boo]

Here's another from last night. What do you call a hen looking at some lettuce? Chicken Caesar Salad.

[chim chim cha boo]

I went to see Simon Day (Brian Pern/ Tommy Cockles/ Billy Bleach) last night and heard some crackers. 'I went to the fertility clinic and the doctor said 'I want you to wank in the cup please?' I said 'well I'm pretty good but not sure I'm up to international standard'.

[WSM Hammer]

"Player - Position - Annual Salary - Weekly Wage Javier Hernandez - F - £7,280,000 - £140,000 Joe Hart - GK - £6,032,000 - £116,000 Marko Arnautovic - M - £5,200,000 - £100,000 Andy Carroll - F - £4,680,000 - £90,000 Jose Fonte - D - £3,900,000 - £75,000 Pablo Zabaleta - D - £3,900,000 - £75,000 Michail Antonio - M - £3,640,000 - £70,000 Manuel Lanzini - M - £3,640,000 - £70,000 Angelo Ogbonna - D - £3,640,000 - £70,000 Winston Reid - D - £3,640,000 - £70,000 Cheikhou Kouyate - M - £3,120,000 - £60,000 Pedro Obiang - M - £2,860,000 - £55,000 Aaron Cresswell - D - £2,600,000 £50,000 Mark Noble - M - £2,600,000 - £50,000 Adrian - GK - £2,600,000 - £50,000 Arthur Masuaku - D - £2,080,000 - £40,000 James Collins - D - £1,820,000 - £35,000 Sam Byram - D £1,560,000 - £30,000 Edimilson Fernandes - M - £1,560,000 - £30,000 Josh Cullen - M - £416,000 - £8,000 Domingos Quina - M - £416,000 - £8,000 Sead Haksabanovic - M - £260,000 - £5,000 Declan Rice - M - £52,000 - £1,000"

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road and they saw that there was some corn just across the ditch by the road. The horse walked over to eat the corn. Before he got to the corn he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get out of the mud. So he tells the chicken, ""Hey, go over to that farm house and get some help to get me out of this mud.""ù When the chicken gets to the farm house, he can't find anybody to help him get the horse out of the mud. However, he notices that there is a Mercedes parked in the driveway and the keys are in the ignition. The chicken drives the Mercedes back down the road, ties a rope he found to the Mercedes and throws the other end to the horse. In a jiffy the horse is out of the mud. The two proceed down the road again. And again they see some more corn on the side of the road. This time the chicken crosses over the ditch to get the corn. And as luck would have it, the chicken gets stuck in the mud. The chicken tells the horse, ""Hey, go get that Mercedes and pull me out of this mud.""ù The horse surveys the problem and says, ""I think I can straddle this ditch because it is not too big and when I do just grab my dick and I'll pull you out of the mud.""ù The horse does as he say sand the chicken is pulled out of the mud. So what is the moral of this story? > > When you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Sat here watching the winter Olympics... So far I've learnt, David Beckham isn't the only person who has gone down on a skeleton."

[Helmut Shown]

"Two young boys talking to each other, one says: ""what's your biggest ambition?"" The other replies: "" I want a cock as big as my brothers so I can hold it with four fingers when I piss. ""Well that's not much of an ambition"" replies the other"" I can hold my cock with four fingers when I piss"" ""Yes"" exclaims the other one ""but you piss on the last two fingers"""

[claret on my shirt]

"After Pards said Gareth Barry and Johnny Evans will never play for the club again after stealing a taxi outside of a fast food restaurant in Barcelona earlier in the week, 8 other West Brom players have admitted to being in the back of the taxi!"

[riosleftsock]

"Jimmy Savile, Gary Glitter and Brendon Cox walk into a bar in Ireland. The landlord says ""not yewtree again""."

[The Stoat]

IÔøΩve been trying to get my girlfriend to stimulate me sexually with her keyring but she keeps fobbing me off.

[BillyBondsBirthday]

"Bloke goes into a florists and says he wants a big Valentines bouquet for his wife. Florist says, are you looking for anything in particular? Bloke says, well ideally a blow job."

[jfk]

"Robbie Williams, Kylie and Elton are walking in London when Kylie stumbles and gets her head wedged between railings. Quick as a flash Robbie pulls up her skirt, knickers down and start shagging her. Robbie says to Elton- your go next. Then Elton starts crying. What's up asks Robbie. Elton says ""my head won't fit between the railings!"

[Queens Fish Bar]

Roses are red Violets are twisted Bend over now You're about to get fisted.

[Mad Dog]

"Wife just said that 3 of the girls had bouquets of flowers delivered to their office. ""They're gorgeous"" she said. ""That's probably why they got flowers then"" I replied"

[joyo]

"Asked the Mrs what she wants for Valentine's. She said ""I'll give you a clue, an Ex England goalie"" She's expecting Flowers. She's getting Seaman."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The Hobbit stars Martin Freeman and Andy Serkis are in the new movie ""Black Panther""ù as the Tolkien white guys."

[Mirkwood]

For just £3.00 a month you can help us reduce poverty by sponsoring a local prostitute in Haiti.

[Jarza]

"Alborg... I heard this ""That's a picture of me when I played for Juventus"" as ""That's a picture of me when I was Andy Carroll, playing for Newcaste"""

[lars]

"A friend has just spent £95 plus VAT on a penis enlarger. Buggers sent him a magnifying glass. The only instructions said, ""Do not use in sunlight!"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bloke comes home for work and asks the wife if she'd like to play a sex game. He says ""I've got flavoured condoms and you have to guess the flavour"" ""OK"" she says. ""Cheese and Onion??"" ""Wait a minute,I haven't put one on yet!!"""

[Willtell]

Keep to the thread title and only post jokes on here Aalborg lol?

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The horse and the donkey are best mates .One day the donkey's round the horses' stable and there's a picture on the wall of the horse winning the Grand National. The donkey's very impressed but feels he has to do something to impress the horse the next time he comes round. The donkey buys a picture of a zebra and puts it up in his shed... The next time the horse comes round the donkey says ""That's a picture of me when I played for Juventus"""

[Westside]

"My wife says I'm unromantic. I dispute that. Just a couple of weeks ago, I went up to her, put my arms around her and spoke gently into her ear "" I really need to tell you something, that I don't tell you often enough."" ""Aah, she says softly. What's that?"" ""West Ham won away from home,"" I said."

[ted fenton]

"A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper. Teacher: What is this? Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass. Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass? Kid: The cow ate all of it. ...Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where's the cow? Kid: It left because there was no more grass."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I was in a pub last Saturday night, when this really large and brutally ugly woman came up to me, squeezed my bum and said, ""Give me your number, sexy."" I replied ""Have you got a pen?"" She smiled and said ""Yes."" I said, ""Well you better get back to it, before the farmer realises you're missing."""

[Mike Oxsaw]

"There's something quite strange about my phone. The ""3"" button's fallen off. I can't put my finger on it."