THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: ""Hello"" WOMAN: ""Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"" MAN: ""Yes."" WOMAN: ""I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"" MAN: ""Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."" WOMAN: ""I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."" MAN: ""How much?"" WOMAN: ""£45,000."" MAN: ""OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."" WOMAN: ""Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £980,000 for it."" MAN: ""Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."" WOMAN: ""Oh THANKS! I'll see you later! I love you so much!"" MAN: ""Bye! I love you, too."" The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. > > > The man turns to them and asks, ""Anyone know whose phone this is?"""

[Iron Duke]

"My neighbour invited me to a joint Burns Night/Chinese New Year party. I didn't want to go, but they twisted my arm."

[Willtell]

"The pilot of a trans Atlantic flight announced that they were going to crash and passengers should prepare for it. A lady passenger leaps up and announces ""If I am going to die I want to feel like a woman one last time""ù. She took all her clothes off and said ""Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?""ù A man stands up and removed his shirt and says ""Here iron this shirt""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

JK Rowling talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter. I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Let's hear it for protein powder !!! ""Whey !!"""

[ted fenton]

Tottenham Hotspurs have put out an appeal to the fan who kicked Arsenal keeper Aaron Ramsdale to hand himself in and receive a lifetime ban from the club. So far fifty thousand people have come forward ⚒️

[Aalborg Hammer]

"This fella calls the whorehouse and asks for a girl to come round. He answers the door dressed like a trawlerman with a souwester hat,a cape,wellies and an umbrella. He says ""Follow me "" and gives her a pair of cymbals He goes into the bathroom and stands in the shower. ""Now"" he says "" I want you to bang the cymbals together and turn the light on and off"" After 10 minutes,she says ""Well ??!! aren't you going to fuck me then""?? ""What ! in this weather??"""

[Son of Sam]

My grandmother was 80% Irish Her name was Iris.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My 18-year-old son won £21 million pounds on the lottery last week, I tried to ring him to congratulate him but he didn't want anything to do with me. His foster parents must have raised him to be a right prick."

[ted fenton]

"Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Bill said, 'I did not sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'"

[ted fenton]

"A passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask a question... The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, missed a biker, scraped a fire hydrant, and stopped just 3 centimetres from a department store shop window. For a full 3 seconds everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver slowly turned around and said, ""Look, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"" The passenger apologized and said, ""I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."" The driver replied, ""Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver. I've been driving a funeral hearse for the last 25 years."""

[lab]

"People have been complaining a bout the lack of postal deliveries of late, however I must commend how they have started 2023. I've received three Xmas cards already ."

[the coming of gary]

... Big mistake to use the nice checked tablecloth .

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I had breakfast with the chess champion,Boris Spassky once I asked him to pass the ketchup and it took him 15 minutes - never again"

[ted fenton]

"My friends are always saying I'm out of touch and disorganised, but wait until they see what I've planned for tonights New Year's Eve party!"

[ted fenton]

"SEX AFTER DEATH!!! A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: ""Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"" ""Is that you, Frank?"" ""Yes, I've come back as we agreed."" ""That's wonderful! What's it like?"" ""Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."" ""Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"" ""No -- I'm a f#cking rabbit somewhere in Scotland"""

[claret on my shirt]

I once worked at a pizza Parlour to get by I kneaded the dough!

[ted fenton]

I'm selling books on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights. Who wants some?

[ted fenton]

lab hahaha ;-)

[lab]

I see the Boxing Day swim off Dover was a huge success .112 people went in 476 came out .

[joe royal]

Russian roulette isn't that dangerous. I posted an online survey once asking about people's experiences of playing Russian Roulette and 100% of the respondents said they survived.

[Mike Oxsaw]

I see that the Americans still can't deal with a little nip in the air...

[Mr Anon]

Helmut Shown 1:24 Mon Dec 19 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) I don't get it! should the names reverse or something?

[ted fenton]

"The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. ""òJesus ' he exclaimed. Joseph said, ""òWrite that down, Mary, it's better than Derek!"

[legrandefromage]

"Two gentlemen approach the reception desk in a hotel lobby. One says to the other, ""My ROOK to BISHOP 4 blew you out of the water in that last game!"" ""So, what,""ù the other replies, ""whenever you're WHITE I always confound you with my Sicilian Defence."" The receptionist says, ""Will you two just shut up!"" ""What's your problem?"" they ask ""I don't like chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."" That's a cracker! Merry Christmas!"