THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Trevor B]

How do you nob someone's wi-fi?

[Cc]

"Bob receives the following text from his neighbour: 'I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been nobbling your wife, day and night when you're not around, I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again'. Bob feels anguished and betrayed and enters his bedroom, grabs his gun, and without a word, shoots his wife and kills her. A few moments later, a second text comes in: 'Damn auto-correct. I meant ""Wi-Fi"", not ""Wife""'."

[ted fenton]

"A man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, ""Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."" The social worker behind the counter said ""Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."" ""Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."" The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,..............""You're bull-shittin' me!"" The social worker said, ""Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . """

[mike hunt]

oh dear just been on sickipedia have we?

[team boaty]

"Thousands of David Bowie fans have flocked to Brixton today, paying tribute to its most famous son. He turned the area white. Bowie's a hero, just for one day. PS:What was David Bowie`s last hit ? Morphine"

[Mad Dog]

What does Joseph fritzle's daughter get her sister for mother's day?

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I just ate 15 Kinder eggs - Full of surprises ,aren't I??"

[Aalborg Hammer]

I made a chicken salad today. The ungrateful bastard didn't eat any of it.

[Mad Dog]

"All the northerners that won speedboats on ""Bullseye"" in the 80s. Who's laughing now?"

[The Joker]

It's no wonder cunts like Michael McIntyre and Miranda Hart have made a fortune from comedy considering the shite posted on here masquerading as 'jokes'.

[riosleftsock]

Why does Rupert The Bear wear tartan trousers? Because he's a cսnt.

[riosleftsock]

"Not sure if this is a joke, but was whomailed the below from Texas Iron ""Did you know that the vaginal tissue in the female anatomy is among the last to decompose in the whole body? Neither did I, but was fucking chuffed when I found out."""

[riosleftsock]

How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman? None.

[Terrywait]

Too Much Too Young 1:11 Tue Dec 22 And the award to worst joke 2015 goes to.....

[Cc]

"A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man. ""Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except a"" said the old man, and then he stopped. ""Except what?"" asked the businessman. ""Nothing, nothing,"" said the old man. ""C'mon, tell me! I need something!"" protested the businessman. ""Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dildo,'"" the old man said. ""The voodoo dildo?"" the businessman asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, ""Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"" The old man said, ""But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."" He pointed to a door and said ""Voodoo dildo, the door."" The voodoo dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, ""Voodoo dildo, box!"" The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless. The businessman said, ""I'll take it!"" The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, ""Voodoo dildo, my pussy."" He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said ""Voodoo dildo, my pussy!"" The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dildo was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing her. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, ""Yeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my arse!"""

[riosleftsock]

"If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, ""Help, they've turned me into a parrot"", you are wasting everybody's time."

[Too Much Too Young]

"According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of the girls would go into the bathroom to refresh their makeup and put on lipstick throughout the day. That was fine, but during the craziness of mid-term exams and in anticipation of the coming holidays, after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints in patterns on the mirror. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators."

[riosleftsock]

"I got so sick of the trick or treaters at Halloween that I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in. Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules."

[claret50]

"Traffic Wardens Funeral As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic wardens funeral, A voice from inside screams ""I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"" The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air in through his teeth and mutters ""Too fucking late pal, I've all ready done the paperwork"""

[Mirkwood]

Thank you :)

[The Stoat]

Anyone tried the new Pizza Express Christmas Special It's DEEP PAN CRISP and EVEN

[riosleftsock]

My daughter always dreamed of getting married when she was a little girl. So we converted to Islam.

[riosleftsock]

"Some kids stopped me outside the shop earlier and said, ""Hey mate, will you go in there and get us ten Richmond?"" ""Sure I will,"" I replied, taking their money. On the way out I gave them their sausages and informed them they only come in packs of eight."

[Mirkwood]

Please get this thread back to normal. Its all I have.

[ted fenton]

"""Do you remember what day today is?"" asked my wife. ""Of course!"" I replied. ""...Happy Valenbirthsary!"""