THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"A boy is getting ready for prom and he decides to go get a tux. When he gets there, he sees its a huge queue so he joins the tux line and buys his tux. Afterwards, he decides to get her some chocolate so he goes to the shop and there's a huge line so he joins the chocolate line and buys the chocolate. He then goes to get some flowers and at the florists there is a huge line again so he joins the flower line and buys her the flowers. Later in the night, he picks up his date and they go out for a meal - he takes her to a buffet. He decides he wants some salad and he sees there's a huge line for the salad so he joins the salad line and gets his salad and eats it. After a salad, he needs to feel like a man so goes for steak and there's a huge queue so he joins the steak line and gets his steak. He's feeling a bit thirsty now so he goes to get a drink and there's a massive line there so he joins the drinks line and gets his drink. The boy and his date then go to prom. About an hour in, the boy and girl are dancing and are getting hot so the girl says: ""Can you go get me a drink please?"" The boy does so. He goes over to the drinks area to get some punch and there's no punch line."

[Aalborg Hammer]

I just got an invoice from the Origami Society - I don't know what to make of it

[Helmut Shown]

"BillyBondsBirthday : THE joke threads (part 5) Re Helmut Shown 3:56 Wed Sep 21 Yes, I am a great fan of seaside postcards. My favourite one is a picture of a kid answering the phone to his father just outside the bathroom door. His mum is fully clothed standing in the bath holding a wrench for the plumber who is repairing the shower head. The boy says to his father ""Mum can't come to the phone she is in the bath holding the plumber's tool"""

[ted fenton]

"My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. He makes no contribution to the running or maintenance of the house. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out, work hard, and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head. I think my dog is an IMMIGRANT"

[BillyBondsBirthday]

"Re Helmut Shown 3:56 Wed Sep 21 I remember as an 11 year old about 1970 seeing a saucy postcard on display in Bournemouth where the woman sitting in bed said to her husband who was reading a book ""why can't you lick your finger to turn the page like everyone else"". As a kid of those days you kinda knew when to ask your parents to explain and when not to,"

[Noah]

"Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady: What's that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles into Boots and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

[The Stoat]

"Three Men are Captured by Female Savages! They are told their dicks would be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs. The first was a lumberjack, so his would be chopped off. The second was a butcher, so his would be sliced off. The third man started laughing. The females asked what was so funny, and he replied, ""I work for Dyson!""."

[Troy McClure]

What part of a vegetable can you not eat? The wheelchair.

[ted fenton]

Yeah so have I ;-)

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

Ted..I heard that before

[ted fenton]

"Jacks new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as they were on their way to see his parents, so he called them up and said ""Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture"". ""Oh Jack!"" she sighed ""I thought you had a real one this time."""

[Helmut Shown]

"A very religious couple get married. They had both saved themselves as sex outside wedlock was a sin to them. On the first night together he sat up in bed reading the bible and his wife eventually fell asleep. The next night again he sat reading his bible and the frustrated wife fell asleep. The next night as he read the bible she felt his hand creep under the covers and under her nightie. She turned to him and said ""At last, are you going to make me a woman?"" He replied "" No you're alright i was just wetting my finger to turn the page"""

[ted fenton]

"Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. ""Tell me about your staff,"" he asked Paddy. ""Well,"" said Paddy, ""there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."" ""That's disgraceful"" said the inspector, ""I need to interview the half-wit."" ""That'll be me then,"" said Paddy."

[ted fenton]

"A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'"

[boleyn8420]

We are so woke in this country we even have a male queen

[With Kind Regards]

Prince Andrew is also the Earl of Inverness. Does that make him the Loch Ness Noncer?

[The Stoat]

ted fenton 9:55 Sat Sep 17 ;-)

[ted fenton]

Hahahaha Stoatie ;-)

[The Stoat]

"Attendance Register Roll Call in a London School: Ahmed Al Shirah .........""Here"" Mustafa El Iqubal ........ ""Here"" Fatima Al Bindiri .......... ""Here"" Ali Achmar Shabeeb .... ""Here"" Mohammed Moses .......""Here"" Ali Sun Al Len ......... No Answer Ali Sun Al Len? A little girl stands up at the back of class ""For fuck's sake ....... It's Alison Allen"""

[ted fenton]

"Bought a 'low energy light bulb' at B&Q today. Assistant asked ""Will you be putting this up yourself?"" I said No - Its going in the lounge!"

[The Stoat]

A friend of mine told me he once had a near death experience as he had an orgasm. He didn't know whether he was coming or going.

[ted fenton]

"A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, ""I'm too old for this nonsense !"" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, ""Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."" The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- ""Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back."" !!! The Cop left saying, "" Have a good day, Sir ""... Yeah I no it's old."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"If I drink myself to death, in full Millwall kit, do I qualify for a right state funeral?"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I've got milk in my fridge that seen two monarchs,two prime ministers and two Chelsea managers"

[ted fenton]

No need to change the bank notes in Liverpool they already have charlie on them !