New Limerick Thread

[les marteaux]

Same as before The football we play to be blunt Is to most West Ham fans an affront

[Helmut Shown]

A man from the Mountains of Mourne Saw a bloke bending and got the horn As he pondered the matter Of being a brown hatter And whether his arse would be torn A Sp*rs supporter called Wally Thought some of his choices were folly

[arsene york-hunt]

"There once was a man from Iraq Had a shit and got sand up his crack, A quick look around, No water was found So he got his arse licked by a yak* *It doesn't say he wasn't in Tibet. A man from the Mountains of Mourne Saw a bloke bending and got the horn."

[Helmut Shown]

There once was a young man from Clewyd Who applied to become a druid There was gross masturbation At his initiation In a flood of seminal fluid There once was a man from Iraq Had a shit and got sand up his crack

[arsene york-hunt]

"A young girl got caught in the rain, It's something she won't do again Her motor broke down, On the way back from town Next time she will go by the train. There once was a young man from Clewyd Who applied to become a druid"

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Been back at work just over a week Another holiday's what I seek As town gigolo, It's not where you go, But having a knob made of teak. A young girl got caught in the rain, It's something she won't do again."

[Far East Hammer]

"I got to the airport on time, But ""Cancelled"", it said on the sign I ended up in a row When they said ""come tomorrow"" I told them it just wasn't fine Been back at work just over a week Another holiday's what I seek"

[Mike Oxsaw]

"In a sauna/massage in Crouch Hill. There's a young lady there sure to thrill. To call her a bird, Is clearly absurd, Her trade name is ""Bollocky Bill"". I got to the airport on time, But ""Cancelled"", it said on the sign"

[arsene york-hunt]

"I drank so much claret one day That I dreamt McAvennie was gay, Holding Tony Cottee His cock up his botty Saying ""This mate is the West Ham Way"". In a sauna/massage in Crouch Hill. There's a young lady there sure to thrill."

[HairyHammer]

We don't do well it would seem When we play against an alehouse team But against Madrid or Milan We're as tasty as jam But only when having a dream. I drank so much claret one day That I dreamt McAvennie was gay

[Helmut Shown]

"My dream is to write a good verse, Concise and quite tight, but not terse These heady ambitions Against the traditions Of foul language, it's quite the reverse We don't do well it would seem When we play against an alehouse team"

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Watching porn, choking the chicken And then the Missus bloody walks in! With her dad and mum, And just as I come, It's time for a tonic & gin. My dream is to write a good verse, Concise and quite tight, but not terse"

[Far East Hammer]

"With these new players we've signed Will our style be much more refined? Or simply every day More for the sick bay? Given we're West Ham, let me remind! Watching porn, choking the chicken And then the Missus bloody walks in!"

[Helmut Shown]

"Whilst out in the town for a stroll, I fancied a cheese & ham roll The trouble with pub fare You're not drink aware As you stagger from the watering hole With these new players we've signed Will our style be much more refined?"

[Mike Oxsaw]

"First years of tight-fisted excuses Now spending big - have they lost their senses!? I'm over the moon. Not a moment too soon - They'll claim it all back on expenses. Whilst out in the town for a stroll, I fancied a cheese & ham roll."

[Far East Hammer]

"There was a young girl, it is said Instead of a shag preferred head In the backstreets of Harlow Keen to gargle then swallow She explained ""tastes great and keeps me fed"" First years of tight-fisted excuses Now spending big - have they lost their senses!?"

[Helmut Shown]

"I've just got back from holiday Just can't be arsed with work today I sit on this site Typing random old shite Then breakfast at the café There was a young girl, it is said Instead of a shag preferred head"

[Far East Hammer]

"The idol of numerous queers, Now gone home from Russia in tears. Unhappy, pretty boy From his pram threw a toy But only to be met with jeers I've just got back from holiday Just can't be arsed with work today"

[arsene york-hunt]

"That Luis Saurez , the cսnt, Falls down poleaxed on his front But playing last night No-one did he bite, And his team are worth a punt. The idol of numerous queers, Now gone home from Russia in tears."

[Alfie]

Evidently london town The bloody schools are fuckin crap The bloody pubs are deathtraps Charging 20 fuckin pounds For a pint of fuckin lies. The bloody markets fuckin empty Vacant lots that never tempt the Bloody punters who cant be arsed To fuckin stop and bloody ask: They never browse they never buy The bloody pound note merchandise. The bloody banks arebloody shut The fuckin prices fuckin cut. The fuckin trains are fuckin packed And no one bloody dares to chat Fuckin empty hollow eyes Looking out of bankrupt lives. The bloody pubs are fuckin heaved With dodgy geezers boshing sneeze The carsy ledges bloody cut With fuckin lines boshed up The bloody noses on the faces That fuckin lived here fuckin ages. The bloody kids Tote fuckin knives And bloody shank You with their eyes. The fuckin wick is fuckin lit We bloody live on top of it. Evidently town of plenty Evidently - Londontown.

[Alfie]

Evidently london town The bloody schools are fuckin crap The bloody pubs are deathtraps Charging 20 fuckin pounds For a pint of fuckin lies. The bloody markets fuckin empty Vacant lots that never tempt the Bloody punters who cant be arsed To fuckin stop and bloody ask: They never browse they never buy The bloody pound note merchandise. The bloody banks arebloody shut The fuckin prices fuckin cut. The fuckin trains are fuckin packed And no one bloody dares to chat Fuckin empty hollow eyes Looking out of bankrupt lives. The bloody pubs are fuckin heaved With dodgy geezers boshing sneeze The carsy ledges bloody cut With fuckin lines boshed up The bloody noses on the faces That fuckin lived here fuckin ages. The bloody kids Tote fuckin knives And bloody shank You with their eyes. The fuckin wick is fuckin lit We bloody live on top of it. Evidently town of plenty Evidently - Londontown.

[Alfie]

Prefab sprout Took me out Bronski beat Bought me treats Beautiful south Slapped me mouth Billy idol Wore a bridle: Stevie wonder On the blower Fred mercury Tooth grin grower A ha packed em in. Milli vanilli Faked the tune Duran duran Made em swoon Shakin stevens Culture club Marmoset Plum.

[Alfie]

"Feeling like various singers I felt fresh Rested Like paul mccartney At his 80s best; I felt morose Bereft Like elton john In his cocaine Frown, bad hair Days: i resembled Mark knopfler After the dire straits, Before Midge Ure Soared ultravoxs Vienna, Then live aid saw Scritt politti At their best. I felt like Townsend Windmilling his chest Slung guitar: Phil Collins drumming - Harrisons sitar. Lennons lament. Daltreys ascent."

[Alfie]

"River bank scene. Mortality thoughts. I knew a majestic swan French - named Alange. Downy crested, He liked to fish The Reachless banks Round the reeded edges Where Cuckoos nested. Ah, if this - This scene of bliss Is the last i witness I will go in wistful Happy accepting The rivers twist Has slowed and settled."

[Helmut Shown]

*Suarez*

[Helmut Shown]

"When applying the fake tan it was stressy, For Cristiano, the big fucking Jessie, Now he's feeling the pain On his way back to Spain On the same plane as Lionel Messi That Luis Saurez , the cսnt, Falls down poleaxed on his front"