New Limerick Thread

[les marteaux]

Same as before The football we play to be blunt Is to most West Ham fans an affront

[Mike Oxsaw]

A keen swimmer from the town of Looe
Was hit in the face by some poo
Was clearly a log.
From some local bog.
And so it got christened as Huw.

In Poland, flood water's quite deep,
As up to the Bench it does creep.

[Helmut Shown]

A sheep farmer from south Devon,
"Worried" his flock before seven,
After perversion ovine
he buggered the swine
And dropped in for tea at eleven

A keen swimmer from the town of Looe
Was hit in the face by some poo
​​​​

[F 129 Row66]

If you want a job on television
Play for Spurs stiffs and  a circumcision,,
Your chances are bright,
But if you are white,
Your form's treated with only derision.

A sheep farmer from south Devon,
"Worried" his flock before seven,



 

[Helmut Shown]

Now Spurs have just lost a big match
They remind me of some hooker's snatch.
A hole opened wide
didn't stem the red tide
the dicks were just not up to scratch

If you want a job on television
Play for Spurs stiffs and a circumcision






​​

[Mike Oxsaw]

In added time my stream just stopped,
I thought another loss we'd copped.
But, in one of "those" stings,
Our striker named Ings
A point winning goal in he popped.

Now Spurs have just lost a big match
They remind me of some hooker's snatch.

[F 129 Row66]

I once went to Southend-on-Sea,
And this was the sight that met me:
Many obese old bags,
Lots of tatooed slags
With chavs as far as I could see.

In added time my stream just stopped,
I thought another loss we'd copped. *


* true story
 

[Gank]

On a fence a young bloke called Jack,
Had ripped open his scrotal sac.
So he thought he might
Try to soften his plight, 
Thinking “at least I ain’t black”

(Jack is the racist, not me)

I once went to Southend-on-Sea,
And this was the sight that met me:



 

[F 129 Row66]

Sir Kier says that "Health" is a shambles,
Another of his sound-bite rambles.
There's those get their kicks,
Talking of politics,
And other such pointless preambles.

On a fence a young bloke called Jack,
Had ripped open his scrotal sac.

[Mike Oxsaw]

There was a young girl from Nantucket
Used to wash her drawers in a bucket.
The water turned brown,
Which made her right frown
So, out of the window she'd chuck it.

Sir Kier says that "Health" is a shambles,
Another of his sound-bite rambles.

[F 129 Row66]

As she rose from the tube to get out
The man behind grabbed her clout
The smell on his finger
He found it to linger
A cross between kippers and sprout.

There was a young girl from Nantucket
Used to wash her drawers in a bucket. 

[Helmut Shown]

** Sorry the next two lines were wrong that's what happens when you eat your dinner mid post

As she rose from the tube to get out
The man behind grabbed her clout

[Helmut Shown]

That pervert who played in The Who,
The book he researched's overdue.
he's rich and has fame
So he can't be to blame
No Yewtree return to review?

As she rose from the tube to get out
There stood a man with it out
​

 

[F 129 Row66]

One night in the Hampstead fog
He was caught cottaging in a bog
Tried it on with a man,
Not a George Michael fan,
Who went there to squeeze out o log,

That pervert who played in The Who,
The book he researched's overdue.

 

[Helmut Shown]

There was a young man called McPhee,
Was kicked out of the library
they threw a fit
when he dropped a large shit
Wiping arse on a dictionary

One night in the Hampstead fog
He was caught cottaging in a bog

[F 129 Row66]

A madman is out on the loose:
He consumed fourteen cans of tramp juice.
He took out his cock
While running amok
Then cut off the head of Steve Bruce.

There was a young man called McPhee,
Was kicked out of the library

[Mike Oxsaw]

Whilst sitting watching the cup final
he desperately wanted the urinal
He felt utter bliss,
When he went for a piss.
The game? I'm told it ended at nine all

A madman is out on the loose:
He consumed fourteen cans of tramp juice.

[Helmut Shown]

There's man down my road named Garth.
Does unpleasant things for a laugh
in the window he stands
with his cock in his hands
enough to make most people barf

Whilst sitting watching the cup final 
he desperately wanted the urinal

[F 129 Row66]

A steward who worked for Trans Am,
Insisted his friends called him Pam.
Had a beard, dick and scrote
But one thing of note
He didn't, was a hairy clam.

There's man down my road named Garth.
Does unpleasant things foe a laugh



 

[Mike Oxsaw]

He had a very short kilt
For a man who was so well built
A very light breeze
Showed helmet and knees
At various angles of tilt.

A steward who worked for Trans Am,
Insisted his friends called him Pam.

[Helmut Shown]

Whilst on a hot date - this is true,
I suffered a fierce follow-through
"that's the last time" I said
 "Take a girlfriend to bed
After a session drinking home-brew"

He had a very short kilt
For a man who was so well built

 

[Mike Oxsaw]

I met a young girl from Ukraine,
She got stuck in the bog on a train.
She started to shout
"Will you please let me out!!"
But I fucked her again and again.

Whilst on a hot date - this is true,
I suffered a fierce follow-through.

[F 129 Row66]

I fancied a threesome last night,
The two other men were a fright.,
Of charms they're bereft
Made an excuse and left,
And with alacrity, I took flight.

I met a young girl from Ukraine,
She got stuck in the bog on a train.

[Mike Oxsaw]

In her front garden in West Hants.
A girl use to hang out her pants
They hadn't been boiled
So, often were soiled,
Attracting both red & black ants.

I fancied a threesome last night,
The two other men were a fright.

[F 129 Row66]

They plan to rob us of our wealth,
Increasing our taxes by stealth.
To give accomodations
To africans and asians,
It causes us so much ill health.

In her front garden in West Hants.
A girl use to hang out her pants

[Mike Oxsaw]

Why oh why oh why oh why
Does Declan Rice still make Vexed cry
His rants are quite lame
And always the same
They carry the weight of a fly.

They plan to rob us of our wealth,
Increasing our taxes by stealth.