THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"A Secretary got an expensive PEN as birthday gift from her boss. She sent her boss a 'Thank you' note via SMS. The wife read the text and angrily shows her husband the message: ""Your Penis wonderful, I enjoyed using it last night. Thanks"" Moral: Space is essential in every successful married life."

[Dandy Lyon]

My god these get worse

[Westside]

"A 50-year-old man has been arrested on suspicion of the indecent assault and murder of Stuart Lubbock at the home of Michael Barrymore Mr Lubbock, 31, was found dead in the TV presenter's pool in Roydon, Essex, in March 2001. As a result, the BBC have decided to broadcast, the comedy series they made about the incident. Only Pools and Corpses."

[ted fenton]

"A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne's pub in Grafton Street, Dublin, when, O'Leary, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, 'You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.' 'I'm sorry sir, I...........' 'Not you,' says O'Leary, 'I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.' Well it is St.Paddy's day :-)"

[Aalborg Hammer]

what does a dwarf get when he runs between a woman's legs ? A flap across the face 'n a clit around the ear

[The Stoat]

"A group of first year children were having their first lesson. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. ""You need to use 'big people' words,"" she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. ""I went to visit my Nana."" ""No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. ""I took a ride on a choo-choo."" She said, ""No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."" She then asked Bobby what he had done. ""I read a book,"" he replied. ""That's WONDERFUL!"" the teacher said. ""What book did you read?"" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, ""Winnie the Shit."""

[Gaffer58]

Sorry. briano hats an old Billy Conneley joke

[Briano]

"A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.' The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!' The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.' The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?' 'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."""

[joyo]

"If a Muslim man beats up his wife, is it domestic abuse or child abuse?"

[ted fenton]

Harry's Divorce Party https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj01BcXmnDo

[Aalborg Hammer]

I have just been diagnosed with the Peekaboo virus. I have been transferred to ICU

[riosleftsock]

I would like to thank my friend Claude for translating the word 'Beaucoup' into English. It meant a lot to me.

[ted fenton]

"The royal family are said to be in a state of fear over what might be leaked in tonight's Meghan and Oprah interview. Sources within Buckingham Palace told reporters ""The entire family are sweating. Apart from Andrew obviously"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Purchased a deodorant stick today. Instructions say ""remove cap & push up bottom"" I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely."

[WELL HAMMERED AGAIN]

"A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, a Kiwi, a Springbok, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Norwegian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss all went to a nightclub..... The doorman said ""Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Sorry about that my C&P messed up..part 2 below ""And I've got something to tell you""He grabs her and gives her a long lingering French kissAs he pulls away he says ""You've eaten one of my fuckin' socks ,haven't you??"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"This fella lives in Watford and he's never had a relationship with a woman because of his extraordinarily smelly feet.He gets through charcoal sole inserts and new socks every couple of days. In desperation, he goes online to find love and meets a lovely looking lady who lives in Brighton. She's never had a boyfriend because of her very very bad halitosis. She gets through breath fresheners and extra strong mints like wildfire. After 6 months of emails, messaging and breathless phone calls, he decides to bite the bullet and propose.She accepts gratefully but then realises the awful truth that she'll have to own up,at last.He knows that a quick getaway after the nuptials will be necessary so he books the chapel at Gatwick followed by a honeymoon in Spain.He gets on the Gatwick Express and is wearing charcoal inlaid socks,Dr.Scoll's extra robust Odour Eaters and a good coating of foot deodorant.He has a brand new pair of Dr.Martins laced up to his knees.She's on the train at Brighton station & equally prepared for the trip.Victorys V's,Gold spot mouth freshener,Trebor Extra strong mints ,Fisherman's friends,you name it.The ceremony goes off very well and they're on the plane before they know it. On final approach ,her keen sense of smell is starting to detect that she'll need to restock very soon and he's realising that he'll have to go shopping as soon as. At the hotel,they both make their excuses and go in search of a chemist.She has no luck at all and knows she has to own up...she sits on the bed waiting for her new husband to return.He comes in the door also after a fruitless journey to find her sobbing.He says ""What's the matter,darling??"" She cries ""I've >sob< got something to tell you>snivel"

[ted fenton]

"Seeing That Cheltenham Is Nearly Upon Us !! üòâ A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.' 'No, love,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15 this afternoon.'"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q. How do you think the unthinkable? A. With an itheberg.

[147man]

"Slow I'm not sure, I used to fancy her but not any more I guess you could say I'm an Ex Tractor Fan"

[Slow_Joe]

"Can't believe I'm posting this on WHO but I need some advice. I really fancy this girl who works at my local farm, how can I a tractor?"

[mtchammer]

Whoa Black Betty Anagram Boat belt wacky Anagram Black Betty had a child Anagram Hatchback badly tiled Anagram

[the_bigot]

I was about to post a covid joke - but then realized that 99.1% of you would not get it!

[daveyg]

A friend of mine drowned. We got him a wreath in the shape of a life belt. It's what he would have wanted

[Nurse Ratched]

"CHL Bloody excellent, that üòÅ"