Viz

[Far Cough UKunt]

MC Hammer owned an antiques shop and took his role very seriously. He had signs all over warning "You can't touch this".


Go on then.

[munkyfunk]

When banging a girl from behind, you stick both your pointer fingers in her ass, and when she turns around in shock, you take your shitty fingers and circle around her eyes, making the appearance of a raccoon. Then you run out of the house, knocking over the trash can on the way out.
After a visit to the zoo, I felt compelled to give my girl the angry raccoon.

[Mad Dog]

I embarked on a mission to find my real parents recently.  After a short search I found them in the dining room.

[Mad Dog]

When nailing your scrotum to the table for the purpose of sexual gratification, always ensure you leave the pliers within arms reach,  not in your toolbox in your shed.

J Paxman
London

[Far Cough UKunt]

I have been suffering with severe piles for months. Real bad bunch of arse grapes. Luckily, I got to see my GP the other day and showed him. Bent over and spread myself to bare the bleeders to him. He was totally shocked. But the bastard did nothing. In fact, he rudely walked away. My wife then came from the freezer section, told me to pull up my slacks and we continued shopping. I will have to book an appointment I suppose. 

Alan Shed
Southend-on-Sea

 

ag ag ag ag

[Russ of the BML]

I have been suffering with severe piles for months. Real bad bunch of arse grapes. Luckily, I got to see my GP the other day and showed him. Bent over and spread myself to bare the bleeders to him. He was totally shocked. But the bastard did nothing. In fact, he rudely walked away. My wife then came from the freezer section, told me to pull up my slacks and we continued shopping. I will have to book an appointment I suppose. 

Alan Shed
Southend-on-Sea
 

[Grey Hammer]

Gangster Fish. Get rid of your enemies by packing polystyrene around their tail fin so that they bob up out of the water to 'sleep with the humans'.

Adam, Manchester

[BRANDED]

EXPERIENCE the thrill of the Super Bowl by watching a game of rugby on TV, but pausing the action every 10 seconds and then switching over to the home
shopping channel for 10 minutes.
Denis Shaft, Denver

[claypole]

Pretend you are on the set of Michael Jackson's Thriller by going into Wetherspoons at 11am.

@selbyandeke

[Mr Logic]

My Grandad was the best drummer who ever lived, despite only having biscuit tins for a drum kit and two rolling pins for sticks. Although he had a poor sense of timing and rhythm, he compensated with a heavy handed playing style and practised enthusiastically for 18 hours a day. My Nan didn't appreciate his skills, however, and after 50 years of pounding, she stabbed him in the throat in 1985.

Darren Jarvis, e-mail

[Far Cough UKunt]

These so called speed bumps are a joke, if anything, they slow you down.

[Far Cough UKunt]

Place all your rubbish, used nappies etc etc in an Amazon delivery box, tape it up and leave outside front door, this will be removed for you......

[Mr Logic]

HAS ANYONE lost a flat, orange cat and some flies in the car park of Llantrisant Tescos? I found them yesterday and wonder if there is a reward.

Kris, Pontyclun

[claypole]

When I walked into b&q the other day a guy in a black and orange uniform asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately I got the first punch in and that was that. But other may not be so lucky so be on your guard.
J Tafite

 

[Full Rug]

Save money on expensive personal number plates by changing your name to your current car's number.

Mr A771WDT, Sheffield.

[Briano]

Wear incontinence pads when travelling on long coach journeys…I sit with a seraphic smile whilst all around me are in evident discomfort 

jack shithouse

[Mike Oxsaw]

Pedestrians: save time and energy when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction from which the traffic is coming.

D Paice, New Street, Bradford

Pedestrians: Make sure to look both ways when crossing a one-way street in case there's a fucking great delivery truck reversing.

D Paice, Ward 7, Bradford Royal Infirmary

[Briano]

Insert a mirror into 45 degree taped toilet role tubes…voila ..you can watch tv from beneath your floor boards

[Mr Logic]

Don't invite chimps to your birthday parties. They drink tea straight out of the spout, and if you give them a bun they eat the cherry off the top and squash the rest. I know because I saw it happen in Leeds years ago. Or I had a dream about it. I can't remember.

Mark Mango Bingo, Pontefract

[Mr Logic]

A poster in my doctors surgery concerning wife beating read 'Don't suffer in Silence'. Well, whenever I punch my missus on the jaw she screams like a fucking banshee. It makes me wonder if doctors know what they're talking about half the time.

R. Crumble, Northants

[Mr Logic]

USAIN BOLT'S two gold medals in the Olympics are all well and good, but running quickly in a straight line isn't going to put food on the table, is it? I think he'd do well to settle down and learn a trade while he's a young man. My grandson is a dentist and he's got a five door Ford Focus.

[Mr Logic]

Why is it every time I take a chimpanzee into my house, it puts fucking butter in my shoe or something? I've a good mind to stop letting chimps into my house.

Alan Mogarry, e-mail

[Cabbige Savage]

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously "erased."

H. Pickle, The Bench, Poland

[Swiss.]

I liked the one about taking all your shirts to Oxfam then buying them back for 50p each in a couple of days to save on dry cleaning bills. 

[madeeasy]

They certainly don't make horses like they used to. In the olden days, cowboys and indians would gallop along shooting each other and whooping.

Now when you see a horse you have to practically stop your car and creep past so as you don't frighten them.

Bring back the old "Hard" horses, I say.

R Karslake
Oxon

[Far Cough UKunt]

PRETEND you're Prime Minister by turning around & waving across the street before going through your front door. Also, be a twat.