"HairyHammer 1:58 Thu Oct 9 Whoa! Hold on there matey - if that statement holds true you've just ranked me alongside Steven Hawkins...at least in the Strictly Come Dancing League. Some of the greatest enjoyment can come from a documentary about a subject you feel is beyond you. I'm watching World At...

"In Colombay les Deux Eglises. An old man was covered in fleas. A beer inspired fart Caused them to depart. ...Such power in a good anal sneeze. The wife to the farmer said ""Please."" ""Just go out and bring in some sheaves"""

"If you live in Midsomer Norton Your life expectancy it'll shorten, So, hide all the knives, And don't fuck the wives, Then swear you don't know Dennis Norden An old man who lived by the coast Had a knob that was stiff as a post"

"In the Ballroom Professor Plum Shoved lead piping up the victims bum. And, to his delight, Out popped Colonel White, Accompanied by the Queen Mum. I auditioned last week for ""The Voice"" They weren't too impressed with my choice."

"On his first date he took out his knob And politely asked for a blow job She didn't decline, Her action was fine Until she demanded ten bob. A tachyon tried hard to be good Then acted like he never should"

"Village People need to fill a new spot Mitchell Johnson would fill [up] their slot. Their dads' & their brothers', Not sisters' or mothers' - At least, that's the message I got. The number 9 bus route is long, The council are sure this is wrong."

"While asleep in a holiday camp, I awoke and found my sheets were damp Some dastardly gent Had crept into my tent And spilt all the oil from my lamp. As I lie in the desert, near death And ponder my terminal breath"

"A teacher with his back to the class Was instinctively scratching his arse On removing his finger, The feeling did linger, So all in his form got a ""pass"". The check-in girl said I was late And for the next flight I must wait."

"A teacher with his back to the class Was instinctively scratching his arse On removing his finger, The feeling did linger, So all in his form got a ""pass"". The check-in girl said I was late And for the next flight I must wait."

A scumbag from Liverpool Who never attended a school. Except to bin dip Or get a night's kip Got Honours: First Class...as a tool A mozzie has just bit me knob. It's started to sting and to throb

"Rodrigo of Bivar (El Cid) Bought his horse on EBay for five quid Whoa! Trigger! Hold steady! It's microwave ready. Just unwrap and loosen the lid. The EU have been stitched up a treat The Greeks, they just cannot defeat"

I think they are taking the piss Expecting to return from ISIS All OUR fault they went As enough wasn't spent On making their lives here pure bliss. The farmer's prize cows have gone dry And even the Vet don't know why

"Allardyce wondering what's next And then Redknapp sends him a text ""Don't worry, old mate,"" ""You just sit and wait."" ""The media love us old wrecks."" I think there's a hole in my roof. The rain's pouring in - that's the truth!"

"This weather today's the best With girls walking round half dressed There's all those fun bags On show for the lads And little that's hiding the rest I do like a lovely shaped thigh, And a pert little arse makes me sigh"

"In chinatown I was quite lucky, By a babe was offered fucky fucky. But I did not suspect, As she stroked me erect She once was a butcher from Buckie. Now. How do I tell my good wife, I've broken her best kitchen knife?"

"There was a young lady called Faye Who had a bad takeaway It flew round her guts With some splutters & phutts, Then shot out her arse in a spray. The dogs are in season again They're at it all night until ten."

"Going into the season with hope No negativity from the dope It may pan out well Or the club goes to hell: We need much more faith than the Pope. I couldn't contain my surprise, I'd won, in a draw, the top prize"

"That Jeremy Clarkson, it's said, Is politically in Murdoch's bed ""He just does if for fun!"" Claims the ""soar away"" Sun The paper that's best left unread. A match where they're not serving beer? Do people not find that a bit queer?"

"A man from the Ivory Coast Thought he try to make himself French toast. But, suspended by wire, Above a big fire, He turned out more like a pot-roast. A priest earned a big reputation For work at his local bus station"

"A young lady from Verona Was an Olympian moaner But little was said While she gave the men head As inside her gob was a boner My girlfriend did shout and complain ""A cock up my arse causes pain!"""

"A young lady from Verona Was an Olympian moaner But little was said While she gave the men head As inside her gob was a boner My girlfriend did shout and complain ""A cock up my arse causes pain!"""

"A lady from Catford, it's said Likes multiple men in her bed But, if they've not paid They'll never get laid. She won't even give them free head. A young girl was growing her tits And hair round her moist ""lower bits."""

There was a young girl from Corfu Stopped in a doorway to poo An odorous pile Remained for a while As nobody knew what to do There once was a man on the moor Who happened to be the pub bore.

"As he sat on a bench eating lunch He was knocked to the ground by a punch It came from a whore Who landed four more The lad didn't pay, is my hunch. A farmer, while digging a ditch Developed a terrible itch"

"Sleeping with naked girls old Gandhi, Tried to see if he would be randy. Although it weren't right They'd shag through the night And paying in cash came in handy. I once spent four years off the beer Not once from my quest did I veer."