In a spinster lady's back garden She found an old bloke with a hard on. She took him inside And gave him a ride But forgot to use a large condom With just 3 hours to go til' new year at 12 there will be a loud cheer

"There was a young man called Mick Had a boil on the end of his prick He squeezed it so hard and out came some lard all over his wife who was sick There was a young lady called Lucy Who looked like Hull manager, Brucie"

There was a young lady called Jo'. Had a clearly defined camel toe. Tight latex she wore coz she was a whore For ÔøΩ10 she'd give you a blow There was an old man from Gibraltar For his wife a vibrator he bought her

"When this festive shit has all gone. Deep midwinter then draws on With Xmas now over I'll fuck off to Dover Farewell, Au Revoir and Ce'bon It's 8.20pm here in town I've already got on a dressing gown"

"I'm hoping, next year, for a lot Of action with my bird's b'loon knot You will go for it with big avengance But you'll never get up that back entrance And more than likely get shot Whilst arising at the crack of dawn I decided to put on some porn"

A man from quite near Bethnal Green Bought a new buggery machine He plugged it in fast So he could stick it up his arse And thought it would make it real clean So tonight most pubs will be busy In tho morning some heads will be dizzy

"New years night, I like not a bit Another year gone, same old shit Pay to get in a boozer You are some kind of loser I'd rather stay in and eat shit Some say NYE is the best I'd rather have an STD test"

Now this year will soon become hist'ry What will become next year's big myst'ry? It will be a tedious bore So I'll sit in and snore and listen to CDs of KISStory New Years Eve is a load of ol' shite I'd rather shit in the bog and then wipe

Now this year will soon become hist'ry What will become next year's big myst'ry? It will be a tedious bore So i'll just carry on listening to KISStory New Years Eve is a load of ol' shite I'd rather shit in the bog and then wipe

"A poster on here Joke Whole, To avoid ending up on the dole, Dressed himself as a slut To get out of the rut And said 'any hole is a goal' So Xmas has made us delirious Now Chelsea West Ham this is serious"

To add to my Christmas woes All that's left is the parson's nose Whether it be duck or a chicken Its still finger lickin' Unlike fish with their roes So Christmas is just two days away With a mountain of sweets teeth will decay

"I look at the sky and I wonder Will I end up there, or go under? Whether heaven or hell Makes no sense to dwell So i'll drink 10 pints and just chunder I've always wanted to go to Djibouti They say the woman are fruity"

In the WHO poll there must be a jester 'cos he thinks we'll be beaten by Leicester But come what may I am sorry to say No goals and we'll start a mid winter fester Tis one week until Xmas day Wearing Xmas jumpers that make you look gay

"Tis the season for mince pie and pheasants Of mistletoe, tinsel and presents Although it is great I'd rather not wait To watch my old pal Donald Pleasance As winter draws in its quite chilly The cold air is shrinking my willy"

Does anyone here really know What's wrong with that cսnt Soldado I don't give a fuck Coz he plays for the muck and looks like a big fat Dino Our mate Sammy he likes RIB Like a dribbling spastic he needs a BIB

When carollers come round a-calling It's now just all screeching and bawling Its just too much to take So i'll go make a cake The later asleep i'll be falling Santa claus to me is a nonce The white bearded fat ugly ponce