THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Mr Polite]

I saw James Acaster in a free event in front of about 30 people as he warmed up for the fringe. Quite interesting seeing a comedian perform for the first time and test jokes out. at one point He was half way through one and just stopped and said... yeah I thought that was a bit shit when I was writing it and just went on to something else.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Q. What's the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex? A.With erotic sex ,you use a feather,with kinky sex,you use the whole chicken Kenny Everett circa 1978"

[Steve P]

"Arf! One for you, Mr P ""Earlier this year I saw ""The Theory of Everything"" - loved it. Should've been called ""Look Who's Hawking"", that's my only criticism"" - James Acaster"

[Mr Polite]

You never credit people on the joke thread P. You post up and claim as you're own. Rookie mistake right there.

[Steve P]

"""If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself"" - Ian Smith From the BBC report about the Edinburgh Fringe"

[HairyHammer]

There was this Hammers fan and he was always happy and smiling.

[Mad Dog]

Binary 101. Not a class for beginners

[The Stoat]

"A Fried Chicken magnate rang the Pope and offered him ÔøΩ200 billion if he changed the words from the Lords prayer from ÔøΩGive us this day our daily bread.ÔøΩ to ÔøΩGive us this day our daily chicken.ÔøΩ After an hour or so, the Pope rang him back and agreed. After another hour, he called a meeting with this cardinals, and said, ÔøΩIÔøΩve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is weÔøΩve just made ÔøΩ200 billion. The bad news is, weÔøΩve lost the Hovis contract.ÔøΩ"

[The Stoat]

"Two woman are sitting in the doctor's waiting room with their husbands. One of the women strikes up a conversation and says to the other one, "" what are you here for then?"" ""It's my arsehole"", replies the woman. ""Goodness me, I'm sorry to hear that"", says the first woman, ""what exactly is the problem?"".... ""He's got the flu"""

[Monk~koknee]

"Your mother is so classless""¶ she could be a Marxist utopia."

[Russ of the BML]

Why did the pervert cross the road? He was chasing the chicken

[Swiss.]

"An Englishman, Irishmsn and Scotsman walk into a bar. Barman says ""What is this some kind of a joke"""

[Mr Polite]

"Si, just because you and claret didn't like it don't mean it aint funny. A priest, a rabbi, and a shaman all walk into a bar. except there's no rabbi and no shaman and it's actually my 8th birthday and the priest is molesting me. and the priest is my uncle and he's not a priest. My uncle molested me... a lot. how can people not like anti-jokes"

[Trevor B]

surprise people?

[Agent Scud]

"Mr Polite 2:22 Thu Aug 20 AG x 5 What does a baby in a blender look like? I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate"

[simon.s]

"Don't forget the first rule of comedy, Polite."

[Saul Bollox]

"Two men sitting on a park bench, one says: ""Have you shit your self?"" The other says: ""Yeah,....Why?"" --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two men sitting on a park bench, one says: ""Have you shit your self?"" The other says: ""Of course I fucking have, You don't think I smell like this all the time?"" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two men sitting on a park bench, one says: ""Have you shit your self?"" The other says: ""No....well not today"""

[Trevor B]

"yeah polite, don't be so sexist, why not a little girl? dont be ageist, why not an adult man or women? you cսnt."

[claret on my shirt]

"Mr Polite 2:22 Thu Aug 20 wow, is there any need for that?"

[Mr Polite]

"What did the little boy with cancer say right before he died? Nothing. He was very sick, and could not speak due to the tubes in his mouth."

[ted fenton]

"I heard in a recent study 1 in 8 people live next door to a paedophile. Not me, I live next to a stunning 11 yerar old with a nice arse"

[mallard]

Monk~koknee 12:31 Thu Aug 20 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Ha ! Ha!

[Tomsdad]

"A man walks into the butchers and ask for some sausages. The butchers says they have run out, so the man says that's alright my bikes outside!"

[Monk~koknee]

"At last an ally Mr P A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini. The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and then becomes aware that he is actually dreaming. He wakes up from his dream and begins to tell his wife about the ridiculous dream he had. His wife just ignores him, the man rolls over and begins to sob because he realizes his marriage is a shambles."

[Mr Polite]

Monk~koknee 5:22 Sat Aug 15 I love a good Anti Joke How do you confuse a blond? Paint yourself green and throw acorns at her whilst screaming Jabbwocky is coming