THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Coffee]

"Private, it made me laugh."

[Private Dancer]

riosleftsock 5:38 Sat Oct 10 FMOB that is simply shocking.

[BillyBondsBirthday]

"Played a football match at the weekend, the pitch comprised of gravel, stones and hardcore. We lost 2-1 on aggregate."

[joyo]

"Found a plastic carrier bag with a Chelsea shirt in it abandoned in the street,can't believe it's been thrown away! I mean those bags are worth 5p now!"

[joyo]

What's the difference between a Jock watching Scotland at hampden park and a Syrian refugee? The Syrian refugee has more chance of reaching Europe

[riosleftsock]

"An old one, but still one of my favourites At two-thirty in the morning a man is woken up by the door bell, he go downstairs and opens the door where there is a man standing on his doormat he asks him if he could give him a push to which the man replies ""no I fucking can't! not at two-thirty in the fucking morning!"" and slams the door on him. He gets back into bed and his wife asks him who it was he tells her ""its was some tosser, looking for a push"" his wife however is furious and reminds him how they broke down once late at night and had to ask someone to give them a push, and that they would have never been able to continue if it wasn't for the man who helped them. He sighs and puts on his coat and slippers, he walks back downstairs and opens the door, the man isn't standing there anymore so he shouts into the darkness ""hey! do you still want a push?"" ""yeah!"" the voice replies He can't see him so he asks where he is. ""I'm over here, on the swings"""

[riosleftsock]

"I fitted a mirror to our bedroom ceiling but it came crashing down when the wife and I were shagging. Whilst in hospital the nurse said, ""Who was on top?"" ""She was,"" I replied, ""I see,"" said the nurse, ""She has several lacerations to her head, back and legs, but could you explain how she managed to dislocate her jaw?"" ""Nobody criticises my DIY."""

[penners28]

I dont get that one...

[ted fenton]

FMOB I heard that at school :-) 100

[Haz]

"Aussie guy walking along the beach in Bondi. He comes across a topless woman sitting out in the hot sun. ""Excuse me Sheila,"" he says, ""D'ya fancy a fuck?"" ""No!"" she replies. ""Well, d'ya mind lying down whilst I have one?"""

[Sniper]

Rios Which one? There's so many!

[jfk]

"I,m absolutely flabbergasted with the vw controversy, who would have thought that the Germans would ever try to kill people with poisoned gaseous emissions...."

[riosleftsock]

"Sniper, probably, why don't you ask the fat mess who posts on here?"

[Sniper]

Rios Is the joke there that someone working in a wether spoons has the audacity to call themselves a chef?

[riosleftsock]

"I bumped into an old mate today. He said, ""What you up to these days?"" I said, ""I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down 'n' outs."" He said, ""So you work in a charity drop in centre?"" I said, ""No, I'm a chef in a Wetherspoons pub."""

[The Stoat]

"The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout ""Cah"", not a single one could shout ""Lorry"""

[Livingstone]

My mateÔøΩs just opened a shop in Israel selling beds for toddlers and babies Hes called it Judas's Carrycots

[lab]

"Jacob and heimi are strolling down the street , a bunch of skinheads are approaching them . Heimi says to Jacob . . I don't like the look of this , I think we may get beaten up and mugged.. Jacob says. . I think you're right , here's that tenner I owe ya."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Westside 4.30 Ag ag

[Westside]

"A friend of mine runs the largest manufacturer of ice cream in Israel. It's called ""Walls of Jericho"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My mate's just opened a dairy produce shop in Israel. He's called it ""òCheeses of Nazareth'"

[The Stoat]

"Bob receives the following text from his neighbour: 'I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been nobbling your wife, day and night when you're not around, I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again'. Bob feels anguished and betrayed and enters his bedroom, grabs his gun, and without a word, shoots his wife and kills her. A few moments later, a second text comes in: 'Damn auto-correct. I meant ""Wi-Fi"", not ""Wife""'."

[ted fenton]

:-)

[riosleftsock]

"I went to see my grumpy, war veteran grandad in hospital the other day. ""What's for dinner?"" he barked. ""Chicken at 1 o'clock"" said the nurse, so he shot the French bloke in the bed opposite."

[Bungo]

Dinner was a disaster! It turns out that Phil Collins was right - you can't curry dove.