THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

ALBINO !! You can't say fairer than that

[Too Much Too Young]

"BBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike! Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Friday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings, has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bang told the press, ""Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth"". Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, ""I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."" Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway. According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like, and have reconsidered their benefit package."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Just bought a new Sat nav. It's a U2 model...the streets have no names and I still haven't found what I'm looking for

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Four old guys are walking down a street in London... They turn a corner and see a sign that says, 'OAPs Bar - ALL drinks 10p.' They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, ""Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?""Here's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, ""That'll be 10p each, please."" The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, ""That's 40p, please."" They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet. Finally one of them says, ""How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?"" ""I'm a retired tailor,"" the bartender says, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. Wine, spirits, and beer it's all the same."" ""Wow! That's some story!"" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, ""What's up with them?"" The bartender says, they're retired people from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Woman sees a sign in a pet shop window advertising ""Special today- Fanny licking frog"". She thinks ""That's handy, the old man hasn't been very attentive lately"" She walks in and the pet shop fella says ""Bonjour, Madame!!"""

[lab]

"Bloke has his first day in jail and is taking a shower . Within seconds a huge queer is standing behind him and says . . You're gonna get it , do you want spit or no spit ? He replies . . I guess with spit it'll hurt less . Queer fella shouts . . Oi spit , get in here , he wants a threesome."

[joyo]

Ronnie Corbett has overdosed on viagra...... He's a little stiff now!

[the coming of gary]

"i also had four scrabble tiles, playing a west ham forward M.N.E.K."

[bell]

Very good zico

[zico]

I was playing scrabble with Midge Ure the other day. He left me with 4 tiles. They meant nothing to me O V N R

[Mr Polite]

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face

[Dwight Van Mann]

he_bigot agagagag

[the_bigot]

"Dave Cameron meets with HM The Queen. Dave asked her, ""Your Majesty, how do you run Buckingham Palace so efficiently? Is there any advice you can give to me now that my government is falling to pieces?"" ""Well,"" said the Queen, ""the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."" Dave frowned, and asked, ""But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"" The Queen took a sip of tea. ""Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to prove their intelligence by answering a simple riddle."" She pushed a button on her intercom. ""Please find Nigel Farage and send him here, would you?"" After a little while Nigel walked into the room and said, ""Yes, Your Majesty?"" The Queen smiled and said, ""Answer me this please Nigel, your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"" Without pausing for a moment, Nigel replied, ""That would be me."" ""Yes! Very good,"" said the Queen. When Dave went home that evening, he called George, his number 2, and asked him the same question. ""George, answer this for me..'Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"" ""I'm not sure,"" said George ""Let me get back to you on that one...."" He went to his advisors and asked every one, but nobody could give him an answer. Finally, he ran into Donald Trump in a restaurant one evening. George said to him, ""Donald, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"" Donald answered back immediately, ""That's easy, it's me!"" George smiled, and said, Hey thanks, Don!"" Then, he went back to speak with Dave. ""Hey, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle and do you know what? It's Donald Trump!"" Dave got up, walked over to George, and angrily yelled at him, ""No, you fool, can't you answer even the simplest questions?' 'It's Nigel Farage."

[ted fenton]

I seriously regret employing this old black fella to take calls at my DVD rental shop. There's Skittles everywhere.

[Queens Fish Bar]

I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nandos when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread & coleslaw! I wish he would stop taking sides!

[Helmut Shown]

"A financial advisor is giving his girlfriend a golden shower when she screws up her face. He says to her ""have you got pee pee eye"""

[Cor Blimey]

Paul Daniels aint got out of that box yet

[simon.s]

"I went to the doctors yesterday, told him I felt like a small island off of Italy. He said ""Don't be Sicily""."

[Mirkwood]

Cant believe we havent had a Paul Daniels yet

[claret on my shirt]

Why do black people always have nightmares? Because the last time one had a dream he got shot. How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb? You don't know! You weren't there!! What do my daughter and a harp have in common? They both make beautiful noise when fingered properly. What's the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne waits until you're 13 before it comes on your face. What's the difference between Jesus and an oil painting? It only takes one nail to hang the oil painting. How do you make a little girl cry twice? Wipe your cock on her teddy bear.

[Cc]

"Mick Hucknall has been arrested. He was caught having sex with a rabbit. Police sources have said he was holding back the ears, whilst singing bunny's too tight to mention"

[riosleftsock]

"The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits. She's got a point, I suppose... I work in a hammer factory."

[ted fenton]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIWd6PHZTBI&feature=share

[Denver Hammer]

"Bloke escapes from a psychiatric hospital, goes into a launderette and rapes all the women in there and is still on the run. Headline in the paper ""nut, screws washers and bolts""."

[Haz]

"This boy says to his Mum, ""How come you're white and I'm black?"" The mother replies, ""Don't even go there! The way that party was going you're lucky you don't bark. . . """