THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"Can anyone please help.A mate of mine has tickets for the champions league final in Milan,Real Madrid v Athletico Madrid. He bought the tickets months ago and unfortunately it has coincided with his wedding day. He wants to know if there is anyone you know that would like to get married this weekend."

[Mr Polite]

My first ever football match that I played in was a lot like my first time having sex. I ended up sore and bruised. But at least my dad came

[Noah]

"The same little Jonny that when Miss asked the class to use a sentence with the word ""contagious"" said ""when my dad saw our neighbour painting the front of his house with a one inch brush he said it will take the contagious""."

[Marston Hammer]

"Little johnny, contagious, etc etc"

[Ashy]

"Same Jonny that had to give an unusual word and use it in a sentence. ""Urinate!"" He proudly says. Miss tuts and against her better judgement tells him to put that in a sentence. ""Urinate miss, but if you had bigger tits you'd be a 10!"""

[Saul Bollox]

"ray winstone 5:32 Wed May 18 Was the the same little Johnny who was asked to use auspices in a sentence and he said ""The stable floor gets wet when the 'orse pisses."

[ray winstone]

"The teacher asked the class to use the word ""fascinate""ù in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, ""My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."" The teacher said, ""That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ""òfascinate,' not 'fascinating'.""ù Sally raised her hand. She said, ""My family all went to see Disneyland and I was fascinated.""ù The teacher said, ""Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ""òfascinate'.""ù Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ""fascinate,""ù so she called on him. Johnny said, ""My aunt Carolyn has a blouse with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!""ù"

[Haz]

"Bloke rings up his boss and says he can't come to work because he's sick. His boss asks just how sick he is. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I'm in bed with my sister. '"

[Son of Sam]

"""Manchester united wanted my services, but I told them I don't work on Thursdays"" Zlatan Ibrahimovic"

[ted fenton]

LVG Responds ...... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCPOhll6n8Q&sns=fb

[BigDad]

What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint. What's clear and smells like red paint? Chloroform. Shhhh

[BigDad]

"An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man are hired to work construction. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy ""You're in charge of shoveling."" He points to the Scotsman and tells him ""You're in charge of sweeping."" and then he turns to the Chinese guy and says ""You're in charge of supplies."" The foreman then shrugs his shoulders and says ""Now, I have to leave for a bit, when I get back I expect you guys to make a good dent in that pile of sand."" A few hours later when the foreman returns, he finds that the pile has not been touched. Pointing to the pile of sand the foreman says to the Italian, ""Why didn't you shovel any of it?"" He protests, ""I gotta no shovel. You tella the Chinese guy he inna charge of a supplies but he-a disappeara and I no finda him!"" Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and yells, ""Didn't I tell you to sweep up that sand?"" The Scotsman replies in heavy brogue, ""Aye, ye did laddie, but I couldna get meself a broom. Ya left the Chinee in charge o' the supplies, but I couldna find him?"" So now the foreman is incredibly furious and he storms off towards the pile of sand in search of the Chinese man. Just then, the Chinese man jumps out from behind the sand and yells, ""SUPPLIES!"""

[The Joker]

"Also a bit like the two dyslexics driving down the motorway. One turns to the other and says ""hey - can you smell petrol?"" The other replies, ""don't be a cսnt. I can't even spell my own name."""

[Haz]

"chim chim cha boo 8:26 Thu May 5 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Ha! That's a bit like the one where the nurse is chasing the patient with a bowl of boiling water. Meanwhile the doctor is saying, 'No, no nurse, I said prick his boil.'"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bloke comes home from work and says to his missus ""Do you want to play a game?"" ""OK"" she says..""What do I have to do?"" He says ""It's called the Wheelbarrow position- take all you clothes off and lay on the floor,face down"" When she's in place he says ""I'm going to lift up your legs, put them under my arms and off we go"" ""Alright"" she says ""but don't go past me Mum's house"""

[lab]

"Unemployed paddy gets a job with the forestry commission .he's sent off into the woods and told to cut down trees , reporting back to the office at the end of the shift . At the end of the day paddy enters the office , he's beetroot red and sweating buckets . Boss asks him how's he done .?paddy says he's cut down 4 trees. The boss isn't happy , explaining that his men cut down around 8 trees a day . Paddy pleads for another chance . The next day he reports to the boss at the end of the shift . The boss asks how has he done . Paddy , dripping with sweat , looking shattered says he's managed 5 trees . The boss loses it and again explains he should be felling 8 trees. The boss takes a look at the chain saw , pulls the cord brmmm brmmm and roars into action .. Paddy jumps out of his skin and shouts . . . For fucks sake . . What's that noise ?"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Fella buys a packet of mixed flavoured condoms. raspberry,banana,etc. says to wife ,lets play a game.ill put one on and you guess what flavour it is. she agrees. she goes under the blanket and says cheese and onion . he says ,for f*ck sake give me a chance to put one on."

[ray winstone]

"A Pikey girl is about to get married and her mum says, ""Emerald, you do realise that when you're married your husband will want to stick his most prized possession into where you piss?"" the daughter replies, ""shut up ma, how the fuck's he gonna fit his transit van in the sink?"""

[joe blob]

"Young couple out for an evening walk . Girl says: ""I'm just gonna go behind this bush for a pee"". Bloke sneaks round the other side of the bush and shoves his hand up her crutch. He recoils and says: ""Here, have you changed your sex?"" She says: ""No I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit."""

[plankton]

"chim chim cha boo 8:26 Thu May 5 Very good, Chim!"

[chim chim cha boo]

I pulled a dyslexic bird last night. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

[WHOicidal Maniac]

https://www.facebook.com/westhamsocial/videos/890642701062062/

[chim chim cha boo]

I just went to buy an icecream. The bloke said 'hundreds and thousands'? I said 'let's start with just the one and see how I get on'.

[claret upstart]

What's green and taller than Ronnie Corbett? His lawn.

[BigDad]

"A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens. ""DIG!"" says the voice. The man looks around, a little confused. ""DIG!"" Booms the voice again. The man thinks ""Might as well"" and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts ""OPEN!"" He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again ""CASINO!"" The guy now believes he's being divinely guided, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout ""ROULETTE!"" He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions. ""16 BLACK!"" the voice says So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red. ""FUCK!"" shouts the voice..."