THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Haz]

"I saw this in the Personal ads yesterday - Alcoholic man seeks similar woman for a drink or two, maybe more. . ."

[Haz]

"My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1 and 10 Last night, after we tried anal she kept shouting 9! That's the best I've done so far."

[Mirkwood]

Cracked me up sorry .... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfsgEF-rQgU

[Dwight Van Mann]

Peter Griffin Lama https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVXkEYZU7OQ

[Too Much Too Young]

jihadist gets run over by ex-girlfriend https://gfycat.com/FaroffCraftyHare

[Mirkwood]

Best thread on here. Made me laugh today thanks :)

[ted fenton]

"A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. 'Son, where were you today?' Son says 'at school dad.' Robot slaps the son! 'Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!' 'What dvd?' 'Toy story.' Robot slaps the son again! 'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son. 'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.' Robot slaps the mum!"

[Aalborg Hammer]

I had one of those sage and onion enemas at the weekend-it really knocked the stuffing out of me.

[Mad Dog]

Got thrown out of the cloning exam for copying the kid next to me

[ray winstone]

"Choosing a wife. A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover.. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then he married the one with the biggest tits."

[Cor Blimey]

Went for a Beaver Curry last night. It's like a normal curry... just a little otter!

[Willtell]

Excellent Briano...

[Saul Bollox]

I entered a cement mixing competition. I won it on aggregate.

[Briano]

"A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, ""We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together.""ù ""Absolutely not,""ù says the Mullah. ""It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately.""ù ""So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?""ù ""No,""ù answered the Mullah, ""It's forbidden.""ù ""Well, okay,""ù says the man, ""What about sex? Can we finally have sex?""ù ""Of course!""ù replies the Mullah, ""Sex is OK within marriage!""ù ""What about different positions?""ù asks the man. ""No problem,""ù says the Mullah. ""Woman on top?""ù the man asks. ""Sure,""ù says the Mullah. ""Go for it!""ù ""Doggy style?""ù ""Sure!""ù ""On the kitchen table?""ù ""Yes, yes!""ù ""Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators?""ù ""You may indeed!""ù ""Can we do it standing up?""ù ""No.""ù says the Mullah. ""Why not?""ù asks the man. ""It could lead to dancing.""ù"

[ted fenton]

Very good Bigot

[the_bigot]

Jeremy Clarkson just tweeted his dismay at the country now being run by May and Hammond

[Aalborg Hammer]

"An eskimo is having problems with his pick up truck so he takes it to the garage.The mechanic says he's busy for a while but tells the eskimo to leave it with him and go and get something to eat and come back later. The eskimo returns and the mechanic says ""Looks like you've blown a seal"" The eskimo says ""No,it must be mayonnaise off my chicken sandwich"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Two old spinsters having tea and one of them has a couple of dachshunds running around,a dog and a bitch. ""I do hope they're doctored"" says one woman ""No,they're both 'intact' "" says the owner ""What do you do when she's in season?"" ""I put her upstairs"" ""Can't he go up and get her ?"" ""Not with a hard-on he can't"""

[scott_d]

delighted to announce that I'm through to the next round of the national erection championships. bring on the semi's!

[20 benson]

"Bobby Charlton was asked how he thought the England team of '66 would have fared against Iceland. "" I think we'd have won 1-0 "" he replied. ""Only 1-0?"" Said the reporter. ""Yes,"" said Bobby. ""Most of us are in our 70's now!"""

[BRANDED]

"An Englishman, Welshman, Scot and a Northern Irish go into a bar. The Englishman wants to leave so they all have to."

[Alex G]

"I picked up a copy of ""Bonnie Tyler's Goalkeeping Blunders Volume 2"" last night. It's totally clips of Joe Hart."

[riosleftsock]

I've just planted the perfect chicken-proof lawn. Its impeckable.

[jools268]

"Was in M&S yesterday and the cashier was serving a Polish couple. ""Would you like some help with your packing?"" she asked. I thought that was a bit off."

[The Stoat]

"An Icelander in the pub just said to me ""it's 2 for 1 Iceland"" I told him to BOGOF"