THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ray winstone]

"Essex Police are on the look out for a cross-eyed burglar. They have stated, ""If you see him peering in your front window, please warn the people next door""."

[Mad Dog]

For me it's always hard talking to a pretty woman. Then she'll notice it and it will go soft again

[Far East Hammer]

Such a disgrace! I left two Tottenham tickets on my dashboard and some lowlife has smashed my window and left 2 more. ....

[Aalborg Hammer]

"They are now selling Olympic condoms, in Gold, Silver & Bronze. Husband says ""ì ""I have to have the Gold one""ù Wife says ""ì ""It would be nice if you let someone else come first for a change""ù"

[mtchammer]

"I've just been watching the Women's Beach Volleyball and there's been a terrible wrist injury... It's alright, I should be all healed up by the weekend!"

[ted fenton]

1/69 people are Immature HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 69

[Grumpster]

Watched Mirkwood's link and the following then popped up. Always amuses me watching fat people get hurt. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZUeLaWZs8k

[Aalborg Hammer]

"An old lady lying in bed in a care home was asked by a kind, caring man passing her room whilst on a visit to his mother there, ....""have you been bed ridden since coming into the care home?"".......""well yes, a few times"" she said, ""but I prefer to take it up the back while holding onto my walking frame."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Polishing mirrors-now that's a job I could see myself doing...

[The_Phantom]

"Haz 2:55 Fri Jul 29 I visited a German prostitute about 20 years ago. After sex I went to leave, forgetting I hadn't paid and she shouted ""Hey, What about the marks?"" And I said ""Oh cracking, 10 out of 10 love"""

[Haz]

"I saw this in the Personal ads yesterday - Alcoholic man seeks similar woman for a drink or two, maybe more. . ."

[Haz]

"My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1 and 10 Last night, after we tried anal she kept shouting 9! That's the best I've done so far."

[Mirkwood]

Cracked me up sorry .... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfsgEF-rQgU

[Dwight Van Mann]

Peter Griffin Lama https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVXkEYZU7OQ

[Too Much Too Young]

jihadist gets run over by ex-girlfriend https://gfycat.com/FaroffCraftyHare

[Mirkwood]

Best thread on here. Made me laugh today thanks :)

[ted fenton]

"A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. 'Son, where were you today?' Son says 'at school dad.' Robot slaps the son! 'Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!' 'What dvd?' 'Toy story.' Robot slaps the son again! 'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son. 'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.' Robot slaps the mum!"

[Aalborg Hammer]

I had one of those sage and onion enemas at the weekend-it really knocked the stuffing out of me.

[Mad Dog]

Got thrown out of the cloning exam for copying the kid next to me

[ray winstone]

"Choosing a wife. A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover.. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then he married the one with the biggest tits."

[Cor Blimey]

Went for a Beaver Curry last night. It's like a normal curry... just a little otter!

[Willtell]

Excellent Briano...

[Saul Bollox]

I entered a cement mixing competition. I won it on aggregate.

[Briano]

"A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, ""We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together.""ù ""Absolutely not,""ù says the Mullah. ""It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately.""ù ""So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?""ù ""No,""ù answered the Mullah, ""It's forbidden.""ù ""Well, okay,""ù says the man, ""What about sex? Can we finally have sex?""ù ""Of course!""ù replies the Mullah, ""Sex is OK within marriage!""ù ""What about different positions?""ù asks the man. ""No problem,""ù says the Mullah. ""Woman on top?""ù the man asks. ""Sure,""ù says the Mullah. ""Go for it!""ù ""Doggy style?""ù ""Sure!""ù ""On the kitchen table?""ù ""Yes, yes!""ù ""Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators?""ù ""You may indeed!""ù ""Can we do it standing up?""ù ""No.""ù says the Mullah. ""Why not?""ù asks the man. ""It could lead to dancing.""ù"

[ted fenton]

Very good Bigot